Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

misstara

A stone and a half weight loss is amazing, well done

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, Tara just want more to come off and quicker!

Ordered £30 Paypal from GTM on Friday, so that will help pay for my new social life

Ran on treadmill for 11 minutes straight yesterday, so am trying a proper session tomorrow — probably 3/4 7 minute runs with 2 minutes walking inbetween. Foot doesn't feel any worse for it; it seems to hurt the same whether I exercise or not, though thankfully nowhere near as much as it used to. Losing weight and getting stronger should help the injury improve, too.

Walked 2.5 miles today and yesterday. Did no exercise whatsoever on Saturday — as predicted, writing group left me exhausted. The driving involved doesn't help, but being around people for 3 hours tires me out — that's anxiety for you! I should feel more at ease when I have been to several meetings, so maybe by February.

Been inspired to set the goal of hitting 200lb by the end of this year, which means stepping up my exercise (hence the running) and paying far more attention to my diet. Think it would be a great way to kickstart 2017, especially as I need to drop as much weight as I can before my Machu Picchu trek. It will also give me more motivation to keep going as winter sets in...

AspiringButAnxious

Lost 3lb, so now 239.5lb Been walking a lot this week and going to gym classes, but my feet hurt a bit more so I haven't been back on the treadmill — will probably go on it on Sunday. Did a yoga dvd yesterday, for the first time in ages. Would like to do yoga dvds regularly, as it's easier to note my progress than just doing yoga haphazardly on my own.

Feeling very let down and abandoned atm. Bff and I are supposed to meet for jive at 7:45pm; last night, she texted me at 7:40pm to say she was running late and would see me in there. I kept an eye out during the lesson, but she didn't turn up. In te break, I found a text she sent at 8:10pm (after the lesson started) saying she couldn't be bothered to come. I probably would have gone alone if I knew in advance, but having no forewarning exacerbates my anxiety and makes it more difficult to deal with — especially since this is a tricky time for me, coming off antidepressants and trying to gauge whether my reactions are "normal" or symptoms of mental illness (and whether these symptoms are getting worse or not).

It feels like I'm putting in a lot of effort and bff can't be bothered. It makes me feel worthless. I have stuck to our commitment, even when I felt under the weather or my anxiety was worse, whereas she seems to be looking for excuses not to go. It feels like she doesn't enjoy spending time with me anymore — especially as the other day, she said the best thing about jive was getting to see me more often. I have been trying to cut her some slack, because I know there have been times in the past where I have let down my friends — but I was coping with severe mental illness. I think what hurts the most is that she knows how shaky I have been feeling lately, yet she keeps reneging on her promises. It's inconsiderate and disrespectful.

So I'm not feeling great. Bff said she is going to a jive freestyle with me tomorrow night, but I'm not letting myself get excited because there is a high chance she will cancel and I will be disappointed. That sucks, too — not feeling able to look forward ro something because I am expecting to be let down. I'm trying to focus on exercise and my novel editing course, but it's difficult when my mood and confidence have taken a hit.

doingitanyway

Sorry you are dealing with this but you have a very even, mature approach. Well done for continuing the exercise in difficult circumstances. You are reaping the rewards so keep going.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, doingit

Soooo... I texted my friend on Friday night, to check she was still up for the freestyle, and she said she was. I let myself feel a little excited on Saturday afternoon, then got ready and was really looking forward to it. Only less than an hour before, my friend texts to say she's ill and can't make it. I went into meltdown and still haven't recovered — I tried explaining why it hurts me so much more to cancel at short notice than to let me know as soon as she feels ill, even if she might feel better later, but I don't think she gets it.

To make it worse, I had been invited to a family event which my parents had left home for 90 minutes before. If I had known earlier, I could have changed my plans and wouldn't have felt quite so disappointed. Thankfully, my dad made an hour round trip to pick me up so I could go to the remainder of the family event. Otherwise I would have stayed at home crying and drinking, probably self-harming and — I know this sounds melodramatic, but it's true — was liable to try to kill myself again. As it was, I held myself together all evening and then burst into tears on the way home and spent most of Sunday crying and hating my life.

Because being let down by my friend is not the only problem: it reminded me of everything else which I wish was different in my life. That's how it works with BPD. I beat myself up for not being confident enough to go to the freestyle on my own, for not having more friends so there might have been someone else who could step in, for letting myself be hopeful when I know it only leads to more disappointment. It reminds me of how lonely I am and how I can't expect anyone to be interested in me when even my best friend can't be bothered to spend time with me. It reminds me of how anxiety and depression get in my way and stop me leading a better life.

Anyhoo, I'm currently fragile but functioning. Sticking to my exercise — I made it on the treadmill again yesterday! — but eating too much and too unhealthily. Haven't done any writing either, despite being in the second week of my novel editing course. Finding it really hard to get motivated.

Money news:
• Got £30 from GTM on Friday (which was supposed to pay for Saturday night...)
• Paid £100 to my mum today

One of the paradoxes of my mental health improving is that the setbacks hurt more. I suppose it must be because I don't expect them so much, since I am more accustomed to good things happening. Although I feel awful right now, I am still doing things which I couldn't do at the beginning of this year, like taking the dog out on my own and going to gym classes. I could just really use a boost or two to help me continue managing my mental health better.

doingitanyway

I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know i think you are terrific x

crazy_cat_lady

I agree with dia - you are fantastic. And as most fantastic people do, you're not giving yourself enough credit for the bazillions of good things that you're doing and how much progress you've made. You accept that the way you're feeling is part of your disorder, and you know that you'll get through it. You made it to the family event, and are still exercising as well.
Be kind to yourself - you're doing brilliantly.

doingitanyway

Crazy cat lady I second your sentiments. You expressed that much better than me

Florence_J

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I don't know the full extent of why your friend has behaved the way they have, but what I can say is I used to be friends with a girl as a teenager who would repeatedly let me down. It all started that she would cancel our plans the day before. Then she would cancel on the day but at least a good few hours before. Finally it was only after I would text her asking where she was as we had made plans for an hour ago that I would get a poor excuse as to why she couldn't come out. In addition to this she would also tell the most outlandish lies, and I believed her. She used to say truly over the top things, and call me naive but i believed her because I couldn't fathom that my best friend would deliberately lie to me. She didn't just do this to me she did it to all our friends, until eventually I was the only friend she had left. She so badly treated one of our friends that he wouldn't even be in the same room as her at a party. He once slept in the garden to not be near her!

She was an attention seeker. She pathologically lied, which I would show sympathy for as that is a serious mental health condition, but to be honest she had so badly treated me that I will now have absolutely nothing to do with her. After about 6 years of not talking (and she also deleted me on facebook) she suddenly invited me to her wedding, and I said no. I don't wish her any harm, and I hope she does find happiness or a way to be happy, but I will never be friends with her again.

I don't know why your friend is doing the things she does. All I can tell you is how much it hurts when you have a friend not showing you the proper respect. I missed so much because she let me down.

It is not a reflection on you the way you are being treated, this is what I eventually learnt.

I know it is not easy to make friends, or to build up trust. I find making friends and trusting people very difficult because of my anxiety. I would say, if you can (and it is not as easy as i may be making it seem) try to find another friend to go to the sessions with, or build up a good relationship with some of the regulars (again, I know first hand it is not that easy!) If you can do that, then that way it will always be an added bonus if your friend turns up, rather than being the only way you can go.

I know it's not as simple as that. It's all I can think to suggest.

I'm sending a hug your way. x

Orange_Ena

Ah big hugs to you ABA. Sorry to read that you're feeling let down by your friend, it's a horrible thing but I love the last couple of sentences of your post. You are doing things you couldn't do a few months ago and that is marvellous :T

I've felt let down by some friends previously, I don't think it was personal, just a bit of flakiness. But over the years, when I've been let down, I've tried not to rely on others to make me happy. It's hard really and I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say but maybe if you can just find a way to go on your own, it'll be a bit of a confidence boost and a bit of 2 fingers up at your friend, not in a nasty way, but more of a "I'm fine, i can go on my own, come if you want, or don't, whatever!"

I hadn't been on holiday for about 6 years and I really wanted to go but none of my friends were single at the time so I thought I'd go on my own, on a cruise. I was terrified at first, but I had an amazing time. I've been on 6 cruises since then and apart from one with family, and one with a friend I've been on my own and I have a much better time on my own My friend "muscled" in on my holiday and I didn't have a great time having to make plans to meet for breakfast or whatever. When I go on my own, I can choose what time to have breakfast, where I want to sit, and I can just flit about being quite selfish!

It's a bonus if I see friends and have a nice time, but otherwise I'm quite happy pottering about at home, with my cats. I've been on nights out with friends but as I'm quiet, I've felt ignored cause I'm not loud enough to get a word in. All those people and I felt lonely.

I found a quote on pinterest a while ago;

People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

Sorry I've rambled on.

Sending you another hug x