Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay less towards a wedding gift?

indiepanda

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I’m going with a group of people to another friend's wedding. It was decided that we should pool together and buy a big gift. However everyone is putting in £50 and I can’t afford that. Should I be part of the big gift but put in less money, or just get something on my own?

I would explain I couldn't afford £50 and was going to get something on my own, and if my friends said "don't be silly, just put in what you can afford" then I might go with the group present. I might not though, to be honest I'd feel uncomfortable saying a present was jointly from a group of people I was part of, whilst knowing I hadn't paid my fair share.

You don't know how far your friends are stretching themselves to contribute - might be your definition of "can't afford" is different to theirs - e.g. you don't know what they might have chosen to go without in order to pay for the present. I think I "can't afford" a number of things when what I really mean "I don't want it enough to go without X/Y/Z" in order to have it.

jaylee3

£50 each for a work colleague is absurd! I wouldn't spend that on family! (Apart from siblings and nieces and nephews.)

lazer

duchy wrote: »

I don't actually disagree with wedding lists but just a wedding list shouldn't be enclosed with the invitation but given if the guest asks if there is a list .......likewise a poem asking for money enclosed with the invitation is very different to saying vouchers or a cheque would be nice....when actually asked !

I actually agree - no mention of gifts in the invitation, but when asked you say - honestly we don't want or need or anything, they then say well we are definately giving something, so you direct them towards a wedding list or vouchers etc (But i would still nto advocate saying money - as it just seems crude!)

As an aside with people saying £50 is too much, it is generally accepted here that you give £100 (or equivalent) per couple minimum, i would generally give £50 - £60 as cash and then a present as well.

Brenda_Costigan

We went to a friends party who did not want gifts of any kind, but left a bucket at the door for any donations to a charity of his choice, everyone a winner, put in as much or as little as you want. The Bride and Groom should pay for their own holiday, there will be people who cannot afford a holiday of their own so shouldn't be paying for others, who already have everything

borkid

swingaloo wrote: »

Im getting married very soon and as we have lived together I enclosed a note with the invitations saying that we didn't want people to buy us gifts, we were just happy that they would spend the day with us.


Ive been inundated with 'We must get you something', 'If you don't tell us what you want we will probably get you something you don't really want', 'We are buying you something anyway' etc.


Even though I have replied to the comments and messages that we really don't need anything or want anyone to spend money on us it is falling on deaf ears.


It seems whichever way you choose is awkward, now Im worried that anyone who has taken us at our word that we do not expect gifts will be embarrassed if they see others have bought for us.

Hi we went to wedding recently where the bride and groom didn't want anything. In the end we sent them a bottle of champagne, they can drink it later when all the celebrations are over and the children in bed ( a couple of families merging). As it's disposible we know it's not going to clutter up their home!

SharonE_3

Hi
A couple I know who recently got married said they didn't want presents or money, but if guests felt they wanted to give something, they suggested a donation to their preferred charity.
Seemed a good idea to me

adelydee

I think giving a smaller amount is better than buying something separate. Friends should understand at the end of the day.
Personally, I think gifts are an unnecessary inconvenience. More often than not, they end up being a duplicate of something you already own and if you're not a sentimental kind of person (like me), you end up giving it to charity.
Back in Hungary (where I'm originally from) gifts are unheard of. People ALWAYS give money. Not only is it much more useful, it makes it easier for those giving. I'd rather you gave me a fiver in an envelope than a John Lewis egg beater I'm going to sell on eBay.

kboss2010

Why agree in the first place? Personally I'd just approach my friends and say I'll get my own gift.

I really don't understand why some people would prefer to waste their money on a gift that the couple would never use rather than have the couple suggest a gift of money/vouchers. A simple 'all we ask for is your company but if you would like to give us a gift then please contribute to x' is fine to me. Seems like complete madness to me to be offended by that.

lazer

kboss2010 wrote: »

Why agree in the first place? Personally I'd just approach my friends and say I'll get my own gift.

I really don't understand why some people would prefer to waste their money on a gift that the couple would never use rather than have the couple suggest a gift of money/vouchers. A simple 'all we ask for is your company but if you would like to give us a gift then please contribute to x' is fine to me. Seems like complete madness to me to be offended by that.

No-one knows how much a gift cost is a major reason.

You could get a gift for £80 that is worth £150 etc, and if you know it is something the couple would like why not.

Money is impersonal.

When i got married nearly 3 years ago, we got a mix of presents, vouchers and moneys. I love making dinner and using a wedding gift, I loved spending our wedding vouchers and the money has been mainly kept to be our emergency fund - so all are very useful.