Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay less towards a wedding gift?

lucyhen

If you really don't want presents why not ask for donations to a favourite charity?

kerri_gt

roses wrote: »

Given money is the done thing in some cultures, not gifts.

DH and I had a poem asking for money in our wedding invite. We really didn't want to end up with a lot of gifts that we may not ever use. Eg someone did give us espresso cups, I don't drink coffee! Each to their own and to be honest I would much rather give & receive cash than have an overpriced plate from a gift list.

same with us, I wrote our own and it wasn't cheesy but was a bit more classy than saying 'give us wonga' We gave a preference of vouchers from a certain place or £ for two reasons a) we were already living together and had all the small things we really needed b) we were getting married abroad (not far away but a flight / ferry) so it wasn't necessarily practical for people to bring gifts.

The reason we asked / suggested vouchers from a specific store if people wanted to give us as gift was so we could use them for one place and put the amounts together. We didn't expect hundreds from anyone, but it seemed to make more sense to do that rather than smaller amounts from numerous different places.

Friends of ours set up an account with Trailfinders for their honeymoon, I wasn't offended by that at all - they met while travelling so it was an appropriate gift, I could transfer the £ from the comfort of my sofa, no trawling round shops or through gift lists and I knew it was for something they would truly value.

relativestranger

Person_one wrote: »

Can you think of any other time, as an adult, when you'd feel it was ok to ask other people to give you their money?

No?

Well, that's a clue as to whether its ok to do that because you're getting married.

I don't really blame you, there are some strange messages going out to couples from the wedding industry, pushing them to act in ways they never normally would and convincing them that its actually fine. Some of the most polite, least greedy, most easy going people I know have ended up with those awful poems in their invites recently.

Yes.

Marathon, 10k run, mounting climbing, going to visit the Great Wall of China,

I asked my brother for money just after i moved house to replace the heating system, he will get it back sure but i still had to ask.

I dont understand your point. There are plenty of events where family members give money as part of the celebration. I may not have asked for money for, as an example, my 30th birthday but i got some regardless.

For our wedding we got money from most attendees (average about £20 per couple) and though we didnt ask for it in the invitation it would have saved an awful lot of time if we had as we were asked about 1000 times what we wanted and no amount of 'Just you to be there' stopped this practice

hieveryone

relativestranger wrote: »

Yes.

Marathon, 10k run, mounting climbing, going to visit the Great Wall of China,

I asked my brother for money just after i moved house to replace the heating system, he will get it back sure but i still had to ask.

I dont understand your point. There are plenty of events where family members give money as part of the celebration. I may not have asked for money for, as an example, my 30th birthday but i got some regardless.

For our wedding we got money from most attendees (average about £20 per couple) and though we didnt ask for it in the invitation it would have saved an awful lot of time if we had as we were asked about 1000 times what we wanted and no amount of 'Just you to be there' stopped this practice

VERY different scenarios - charity events and home/family emergencies are not the same thing as choosing to get married and using it as a catalyst to do up your house/go on a fancy honeymoon etc.

The traditional reason for wedding gifts was to help the couple set up home together. Therefore, in modern times, if a couple have already set up home together, there should be no need for a 'replacement' gift.

Asking me for MY hard earned cash in exchange for the 'honour' of attending your wedding will either 1/ result in me not attending or 2/ result in me purchasing a totally random gift/voucher just out of annoyance that you had the audacity to ask.

I truly cannot get my head around the idea that choosing to get married could turn into a 'how much vouchers can we get for X store?'

Just my opinion of course!

JayD

I am often taken aback by people asking on here about what they should be asking the 'friends' they are having their problems with!

If you are so much worse off, financially, than the other contributors then surely you should negotiate the situation with them. I would expect good friends to be sympathetic and cover your shortfall between them.

So in answer to your question:
'Is it fair to put a smaller amount in ...?'

I would answer:
'No, not if you haven't discussed it with the others first.'

iclayt

Re the dilemma: I would simply explain that unfortunately you don't have £50 to spare at the moment, that you could contribute £X, or that you'll opt out and get them something you can afford. There's no shame in admitting something is too expensive for you to pay, more people should speak up like this. £50 is a lot of money to spend on a gift in its own right, goodness knows what you're spending as a group.

Re wedding invite 'requests', this one really took the biscuit for me:
My friend received a wedding invitation recently with a short note explaining that they have lived together for ages and don't need presents and that they don't need cash, BUT, here is the address of the travel agents we've booked our honeymoon with...and here is the booking reference...and here's the phone number if you can't visit in branch, they take card over the phone...please pay for our "dream" honeymoon instead!
Basically they booked a honeymoon about £3k more than they could afford and couldn't pay it off. They got £20 off my friend, I hope it made all the difference(!)

My partner and I are getting married in 10 months. In the invitations we will say we don't expect presents and don't want anything, but if people really want to do something for us we'd like them to make a donation to BHF or CRUK in memory of those we will miss at our wedding. If people want to get us a physical present or cash that's up to them, all gratefully received, but we'd never dream of asking.

florere

hieveryone wrote: »

Yes, believe it or not I've had Paypal details within an invite :eek:


Quite honestly, I'd rather have a pile of gifts that would never get used than be the person that blatantly asks someone for money

Well at least the gifts can be of use, through a Charity shop, everyone wins.:beer:

duchy

maman wrote: »

I'm not a fan of the spoof ones either but it irritates me that people at mse have nothing better to do. Surely we can think up enough threads all on our own.

I wouldn't even mind that they were made up if they were genuinely interesting but all they seem to say is MSE have a lot of interns with limited life experience and even more limited social skills.

Elisecas

swingaloo wrote: »

Im getting married very soon and as we have lived together I enclosed a note with the invitations saying that we didn't want people to buy us gifts, we were just happy that they would spend the day with us.


Ive been inundated with 'We must get you something', 'If you don't tell us what you want we will probably get you something you don't really want', 'We are buying you something anyway' etc.


Even though I have replied to the comments and messages that we really don't need anything or want anyone to spend money on us it is falling on deaf ears.


It seems whichever way you choose is awkward, now Im worried that anyone who has taken us at our word that we do not expect gifts will be embarrassed if they see others have bought for us.

Poor you. That must be really tricky.

How about, "No seriously, we have everything we need, we'd just love to spend the day with you if you're able to join us. If you're dead set though please feel free to make an anonymous donation to Charity X (which we support) or your own favourite charity. That would be a really lovely thing to do."

Job done.

duchy

I'm yet to see one of these asking for specific cash/vouchers and dictating what the guests should buy that isn't non classy or not cheesey.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up -it is what it is-a demand for what you want as a "gift"

I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping for money- or vouchers from a specific store - but wait to be asked rather than send out a note laying out your expectations !

kerri_gt wrote: »

same with us, I wrote our own and it wasn't cheesy but was a bit more classy than saying 'give us wonga' We gave a preference of vouchers from a certain place or £ for two reasons a) we were already living together and had all the small things we really needed b) we were getting married abroad (not far away but a flight / ferry) so it wasn't necessarily practical for people to bring gifts.

The reason we asked / suggested vouchers from a specific store if people wanted to give us as gift was so we could use them for one place and put the amounts together. We didn't expect hundreds from anyone, but it seemed to make more sense to do that rather than smaller amounts from numerous different places.

Friends of ours set up an account with Trailfinders for their honeymoon, I wasn't offended by that at all - they met while travelling so it was an appropriate gift, I could transfer the £ from the comfort of my sofa, no trawling round shops or through gift lists and I knew it was for something they would truly value.