In-laws Problem!

fabforty

Tlg1991 wrote: »

I can assure you we have a mortgage in place, we was very worried about this ourselves with her being a student, but we paid for a mortgage broker and they found us a great deal with halifax. i am very surprised myself that it was approved trust me, call me anything but a liar i am definitely not!

It's nothing about rent or what i pay i just wanted some help on how to support my girlfriend as i can only repeat myself so many time and tell her to ignore things and get on with her own life, get this work finished and prove people wrong. but for every positive it seems i give someone else knocks her down twice.

i apologize if i have been out of line and im sure people are finding this amusing also, i just wanted a bit of help myself as im starting to feel a bit helpless.

You are not helpless though, which is what posters are trying to tell you. If the situation is so bad, and you are working and earning a good wage, then you and your girlfriend should move out. It would mean a change in plans, spending more money, waiting longer for a deposit, but if that's what it takes, then that's what you do. TBH if I was her mother you would have been through the door the moment you opened your mouth and butted in to family business.

Pixie5740

It's a horrible situation but there's nothing you can do to change her mother's behaviour. You and your gf CHOOSE to live in this environment so that you can buy a property. If it was really that bad you'd move out into more suitable accommodation.

I had to move out of home because my parents were so unsupportive of me studying after insisting I go to a university close to home. I could still quite happily wrap my dad's guitar around his head.

You're buying a property from people buying a new build, new builds are frequently delayed so expect it to be more than 3 months before you can complete. You don't need a lot of money for furniture. You'd be surprised what you can pick up from Guntree, Freecycle, Freegle and charity shops (particularly British Heart Foundation).

rachy182

If you are paying market rent then move out. Her mum wont ever give her the relationship she wants and to expect anything else is unrealistic. If you are living at her parents at at a cut price rate allowing you to save extra £100s, then you got two choices move out and pay extra for rent for the sake of your gf happiness or suck it up and think of the long game (sacrificing happiness for money).

People have been supportive but outside of moving there is not much you can do. i would maybe get your girlfriend to have a friendly conversation with her sister where she explains that shes studying and can she keep that in mind regarding noise. maybe communicate with her to see what shes doing that day so if shes having friends over your gf has a break from studying or while they are out use to the peace and quiet to her advantage. The sister has as much right to have her friends over and make noise as your gf does to be able to have some peace and quiet. Does you gf have any study buddies to meet up with outside her home to help each other with revision.

lostinrates

Pixie5740 wrote: »

. You don't need a lot of money for furniture. You'd be surprised what you can pick up from Guntree, Freecycle, Freegle and charity shops (particularly British Heart Foundation).

And you don't need a lot of furniture immediately.

IMO some where to sleep is a high priority. DH and I have only just bought our own bed, having rented or stayed in places with bed, and being given and loaned beds when we bought. If we had not had that option I would have bought a decent mattress and put it on really good sturdy palates ( because that's something we have a lot of free access to) till we could have afforded a bed of our choice. Incidentally, that's considered rather chic nowadays :rotfl:

Some cooking utensils and crockery and cutlery is essential, but not everything. Its amazing how one returns to the same pans over again even in a well appointed kitchen. Even the ikea basic kits are more than necessary for scraping by.

Sofas? Its your own house...roll on the floor in blankets wrapped in each other. . Tables? Have picnics on the floor while you are young enough for your joints to not complain.

You have a computer so you don 't need a tv or anything like that. And you'll be in your own space........hopefully, apart from the bed you won't notice any lack of furniture for the first few months. . Get used to it and enjoy living together picking up what you can as you can.

ViolaLass

If it's not about the money, OP, then it is very difficult to understand why you choose to keep living with your GF's family. What's in it for you? (Other than the principle that you feel they ought to be nice to you - how's that working out for you?)

theoretica

Sounds like what you really want is a personality transplant for your GF's mother. That isn't going to happen. What you both can control are your own actions, including moving out or spending less time there.

BrassicWoman

mental health is so very much more important than a sofa. Kit the new place out from freegle. Rent a room now. Your priorities are all to pieces.

you can never force another person to change.

stop moaning, start doing, move out now!

Tlg1991

Okay i have obviously not made myself clear, i could not care less about my gf mum changing as far as i am concerned. i was focusing on my gf who gets upset about things.

Last night she was talking to be and she says herself now that we act normal until we move and she wants nothing to do with her after that (when she says nothing she means she wont be making an effort to go to her)

my gf was fine yesterday as she could be and was talking to her mum like normal, while her mum was acting like a playground child still.

as for moving out, i am not a complete idiot i mentioned this to her a LONG time ago and my GF does not want to, its really that simple she wont cut her nose of to spite her face so to speak. i have offered many of times to go elsewhere but i can't drag her out of the home can i?

lostinrates

Tlg1991 wrote: »

Okay i have obviously not made myself clear, i could not care less about my gf mum changing as far as i am concerned. i was focusing on my gf who gets upset about things.

Last night she was talking to be and she says herself now that we act normal until we move and she wants nothing to do with her after that (when she says nothing she means she wont be making an effort to go to her)

my gf was fine yesterday as she could be and was talking to her mum like normal, while her mum was acting like a playground child still.

as for moving out, i am not a complete idiot i mentioned this to her a LONG time ago and my GF does not want to, its really that simple she wont cut her nose of to spite her face so to speak. i have offered many of times to go elsewhere but i can't drag her out of the home can i?

Your gf is being childish and contributing to this emotional turmoil.

Tbh, it also sounds fairly unpleasant that you/ she are prepared to use this situation then drop contact.

If the mother is acting like 'a play ground child' its because she ( for all Her emotional immaturity and failure to express well, is uncomfortable and unhappy too.

Fluff15

Tlg1991 wrote: »

Okay i have obviously not made myself clear, i could not care less about my gf mum changing as far as i am concerned. i was focusing on my gf who gets upset about things.

Last night she was talking to be and she says herself now that we act normal until we move and she wants nothing to do with her after that (when she says nothing she means she wont be making an effort to go to her)

my gf was fine yesterday as she could be and was talking to her mum like normal, while her mum was acting like a playground child still.

as for moving out, i am not a complete idiot i mentioned this to her a LONG time ago and my GF does not want to, its really that simple she wont cut her nose of to spite her face so to speak. i have offered many of times to go elsewhere but i can't drag her out of the home can i?

Right, so your girlfriend wants to cut all contact with her Mum when she does move out, but refuses to move out now? She's making a bed for herself really. I think if she's not willing to help herself in this situation, then how can you help her either?

Yes, parents often treat their kids differently. My Mum was always nicer to my brother and in comparison he's been spoilt a lot more, and before moving out my relationship with my Mum wasn't great. However since moving out my relationship has improved tenfold and my relationship with my Dad/Stepmum has dwindled in comparison because now I can see how toxic the relationship is.

Your girlfriend either needs to suck it up, and accept that is the way things are at the moment and it will either be for a short while; or make changes herself to improve the situation.