In-laws Problem!

Guest101

Tlg1991 wrote: »

We have actually got the mortgage fully approved valuation paid and all that cleared. and offer has been accepted and things still need to be saved for when we move in, furniture and such. i am fortunate i have a very good well paid job especially for my age. like i said the only thing we need to wait for is the current people to move out, if they was moving out tomorrow we are ready to move. but we can't waste money on living somewhere for 3 months because of this pathetic situation.

Ok lets say you do. (im skeptical that a student who's not even graduated yet was accepted on the mortgage).

If you're paying rent already, then it shouldnt make a difference who you pay to - parents or a landlord.

Tlg1991

Guest101 wrote: »

Ok lets say you do. (im skeptical that a student who's not even graduated yet was accepted on the mortgage).

If you're paying rent already, then it shouldnt make a difference who you pay to - parents or a landlord.

I can assure you we have a mortgage in place, we was very worried about this ourselves with her being a student, but we paid for a mortgage broker and they found us a great deal with halifax. i am very surprised myself that it was approved trust me, call me anything but a liar i am definitely not!

It's nothing about rent or what i pay i just wanted some help on how to support my girlfriend as i can only repeat myself so many time and tell her to ignore things and get on with her own life, get this work finished and prove people wrong. but for every positive it seems i give someone else knocks her down twice.

i apologize if i have been out of line and im sure people are finding this amusing also, i just wanted a bit of help myself as im starting to feel a bit helpless.

ognum

Tlg1991 wrote: »

I am actually pretty surprised by the response on here. people telling me to just support my GF and get them to talk it through, thats what i did in the first place i told her to go and talk to her mum instead of getting upset and bottling it up and her mum over heard and jumped down my neck i didn't argue back i just told her mum to go and speak to her daughter who was crying.

If this was any other situation for example between friends or a couple it would be classed as bullying or mental domestic abuse which im sure there has just been a law passed for couples that go through this. but as it is a family situation its brushed under the carpet and you get told to get on with it.

I came looking for support in terms of what to do with her mum turning other family members against her as she gets on with everyone else. my GF keep optimistic that the mother daughter relationship will get better when she moves out but i personally can't see it happening.

I don't think you have understood the nature of this relationship though I can see you are trying to. talking will not work at this point and maybe it will never wok with this relationship. The problems go too far back ( before you came on the scene) and may well be unresolvable. You being there may well have exacerbated the situation because your girlfriends mother probably feels threatened by your relationship.

I believe the answer is to not talk. Shut the bedroom door when you get home. Create a peaceful environment, talk to your girlfriend and try to help her understand that this is not her fault, her mother is mentally ill and she should just keep quiet, get her work done, get a job, save money and move out. maybe create a countdown calendar to moving out.

You are insistent this is your girlfriends home, a home is simply the place where a person lives, although you may want to put fuzzy extras there it is nothing more or less. So yes it's her home because she lives there but it is actually owned by her parents and she is an adult, she has no rights to a place of comfort or a feeling of well being there although I agree she should have.

There is no point in comparing your situation to that of friends, you adult girlfriend and you have no rights in this house, it's sad but true.

I am sorry you feel you have not got the understanding you are looking for but what you have got is some objective opinion based on the information you have supplied. It probably is not what you wanted to hear but hopefully you will show it to your girlfriend and between you it will be possible to reflect on the toxic nature of her relationship with her mother and she will be adult enough to understand that not all relationships are sweet and loving and the best idea is to move on.

fairy_lights

Tlg1991 wrote: »

It's nothing about rent or what i pay i just wanted some help on how to support my girlfriend as i can only repeat myself so many time and tell her to ignore things and get on with her own life, get this work finished and prove people wrong. but for every positive it seems i give someone else knocks her down twice.

But the fact is there is nothing you can do to support your girlfriend that you're not already doing, you can't change her relationship with her family and you can't make them all be nice to her - but you can move out. If you won't do that then really there's nothing you can do but grin and bare it for the next few months.

Guest101

Tlg1991 wrote: »

I can assure you we have a mortgage in place, we was very worried about this ourselves with her being a student, but we paid for a mortgage broker and they found us a great deal with halifax. i am very surprised myself that it was approved trust me, call me anything but a liar i am definitely not!

It's nothing about rent or what i pay i just wanted some help on how to support my girlfriend as i can only repeat myself so many time and tell her to ignore things and get on with her own life, get this work finished and prove people wrong. but for every positive it seems i give someone else knocks her down twice.

i apologize if i have been out of line and im sure people are finding this amusing also, i just wanted a bit of help myself as im starting to feel a bit helpless.

If you want to support your girlfriend - rent somewhere! really cant be any clearer than that.

I bet spraeroom.co.uk - within 1 mile of where you are now has atleast 10 suitable double rooms for reasonable rent for 4 months.

And since she's graduating, presumebly she'll start to work full time and saving wont be an issue.

(since you only offered 2 weeks ago and apparently it's all come back already as approved - im skeptical - not calling you a liar, just skeptical.)

ognum

Tlg1991 wrote: »

I can assure you we have a mortgage in place, we was very worried about this ourselves with her being a student, but we paid for a mortgage broker and they found us a great deal with halifax. i am very surprised myself that it was approved trust me, call me anything but a liar i am definitely not!

It's nothing about rent or what i pay i just wanted some help on how to support my girlfriend as i can only repeat myself so many time and tell her to ignore things and get on with her own life, get this work finished and prove people wrong. but for every positive it seems i give someone else knocks her down twice.

i apologize if i have been out of line and im sure people are finding this amusing also, i just wanted a bit of help myself as im starting to feel a bit helpless.

OP, please can you answer why you couldn't find somewhere else to live. It really does seem like the answer and you just don't seem to answer the question.

duchy

Tlg1991 wrote: »

We have actually got the mortgage fully approved valuation paid and all that cleared. and offer has been accepted and things still need to be saved for when we move in, furniture and such. i am fortunate i have a very good well paid job especially for my age. like i said the only thing we need to wait for is the current people to move out, if they was moving out tomorrow we are ready to move. but we can't waste money on living somewhere for 3 months because of this pathetic situation.

So you'd rather your girlfriend was unhappy for three months rather than pay out for a room rental for three months and perhaps furnish a little more slowly ?

Strikes me you probably aren't paying market rent (and if you are so well paid why not?) and are too cheap to do so.

Only you can decide if your girlfriend been unhappy is more important than your bank balance-

Missyhenry

Tlg1991 wrote: »

We have actually got the mortgage fully approved valuation paid and all that cleared. and offer has been accepted and things still need to be saved for when we move in, furniture and such. i am fortunate i have a very good well paid job especially for my age. like i said the only thing we need to wait for is the current people to move out, if they was moving out tomorrow we are ready to move. but we can't waste money on living somewhere for 3 months because of this pathetic situation.

But you said you were paying rent to her family so why not pay the same rent to a landlord?

ognum

OP I see you live in Greater Manchester, booked yourself and your girlfriend into a cheap hotel for 10 days to 2 weeks to allow her to get her uni work done then things will be easier.

I see Hotel Ibis has rooms for £38 a night, that would be £400 well spent for her to have space, peace and quiet.

skattykatty

Hi OP

Your feeling of helplessness probably mirrors your girlfriend's feelings in the face of her mother's behaviour. Take a step back and acknowledge how you are not helpless. You are working, you get a good wage, you are looking forward to moving into a new home and creating a family unit apart from your in-laws.

IF you choose to, you may move out sooner an spend money on a few month's rent to bridge the time between now and moving into your mortgaged home. (You may believe it is a waste of money to move out for a few months, but peace of mind is priceless. And new furniture doesn't have to cost that much, you don't HAVE to have everything perfect for moving in. Your home will be made over time.)

IF you choose not to do that, then take deep breaths, be civil and be there for your girlfriend, who is going through a tough time, and make some space for you too.

As others have said, you CANNOT change anyone in the family. You CAN change your approach. You are, inevitably, becoming caught up in the dynamics of this family. Try to focus on your family unit of 2. And when you move, perhaps your girlfriend may seek out counselling/therapy to support her to explore these relationships and her self-esteem.

I wish you well.