I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Thanks Sashy, I'm not feeling any better unfortunately so am going to the GP this afternoon. My tummy feels really unsettled and this headache just won't shift!
Going to talk to them about how low I'm feeling as well, I don't seem to be able to pull myself out of it.

I went to see my parents and spent a couple of hours with the sister and niece. It doesn't matter how poorly I'm feeling, she makes me happy
Parents pulled me aside for a chat though as they are worried about me. Dad said I just don't seem happy with anything any more, which made me cry. I hate having an effect on my family - I don't want them worrying about me, they have enough going on.

My stocking filler from OH was tickets to see Jack Whitehall last night. I really wish I'd been in a better place mentally because he was very very funny, but I just wasn't feeling it.

We've got another session tonight. We ended up having a row during our last session about marriage so we decided to carry on with them for now.

abba1772

Sorry to hear about your argument but I think you made the right decision to carry on with your sessions xx

Hope the doctors can shed some light on why your poorly xx

Bobarella

Sorry to hear about the row Kirsty. It's a shame your parents seem so worried about you too. Sometimes you can't win. Keep up a facade so people don't worry but you feel worse. Or let it out and then have people feel you are upset.

Hope the docs appointment goes ok.

kirtsypoos

Thanks both. I don't think it will be an easily resolved one as OH just doesn't see the point in marriage, whereas it's very important to me. He does try and understand my points but he doesn't understand why I get so emotional about it and why it's important. He's very much of the 'but we are happy as we are so what's the point' train of thought....
Equally, the last thing I want to do is force him to marry me if he isn't ready, I don't think that would be fair on either of us.

Logically I would like to be married before we have a family for legal/name reasons, but also because it's what I feel is 'right' (nothing against people who choose differently, it's just what I've always wanted for myself) so I don't necessarily think it will be resolved to both our satisfaction. Perhaps the compromise is to be engaged. It's an ongoing discussion!

I thought I was doing well keeping up appearances as it were, but obviously not as well as I hoped. I'm going to try and be a bit more upbeat when I'm around them, it's obviously worrying them and I'd rather they worried about each other.

In all honesty OH is being brilliant at the moment. He is being very understanding about my mood swings and general over emotional state (I cried 8 times on Saturday, for no apparent reason - must be hard to live with!) and trying to do stuff around the house to appease me. Fingers crossed I start to pick up soon.

Bobarella

I'm with you. I wanted the same traditional set up.

It must be very hard for someone who doesn't see the importance though because being the man it's expected that he will take that step and propose.

So I feel for you both.

You must have needed to cry if it happened. Let it out. It's supposed to help.

ada-or-ardor

Hi Kirsty, I was totally just lurking the boards and don't think I've commented on your diary before so hello! I wanted to share my thoughts on what you and OH are going through. I hope they aren't out of place.

I really feel for you being with someone who isn't on the same page as you in the big things like marriage. As a woman who is in the same camp as your OH, I have the same feelings as him that if the relationship is good and were both happy that I don't see the point of marriage (not at all to disparage anyone who does!). I've been with my partner almost 10 years and neither of us are fussed. We are both quite private people, our relationship has weathered a lot of storms but I want to be with him for the rest of my life and can't imagine being with anybody else, or just being without him! I think I feel like I know the strength of our relationship, and I don't see what marriage would bring to that, and therefore just don't see us doing it. I don't personally want to celebrate our love in front of people; I like to do that alone just the two of us.

I'm sure these are all things you discuss in therapy, but when you say "equally I can't force him to marry me if he isn't ready...." it just made me wonder if a small part of you doesn't trust his real reason? And that he's just not "ready" to marry you but one day he will be. Or that it's you he doesn't want to marry. It's a very small thing I'm picking up on but I didn't want to read or run. In my case, it's not about being ready. I am committed to my boyfriend like any married couple I know, and I work as hard at our relationship as any of them too. Marriage really has no bearing on my relationship. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, or our relationship. I love him with all of my heart and do intend on us being together forever.

However, I do understand the things you say, and don't think it's something you should have to compromise on. I honestly just wanted to share my feelings on that little phrase you used, in case there's anything underlying it.

I hope that's okay :-) I think it says a lot about the strength of your guys relationship that you're in counselling, and I wish you the best of luck that the situation gets resolved in the best way for everyone involved!

Ada

crazy_cat_lady

Hope it went ok with the gp this afternoon and there's a path moving forward.
It's ok not to feel ok though, don't worry about your parents etc. You need to look after yourself first, then the other stuff will fall into place.
Lots of love to you x

kirtsypoos

Thank you all

Ada, I do think that's a valid point, and one we talked about it counselling. Because of what has gone on previously I wonder if it's just him waiting for something better.
He opened up a bit tonight, to me and our counsellor and says he feels like he hasn't proved himself enough yet, after what happened he is still carrying a lot of guilt and doesn't know how to stop beating himself up about it. He also said he's been talking to his kung fu instructor and they have been working on tai chi to help work through his feelings.

Our counsellor 'graduated' us tonight! She wants us to go back in 6 months and let her know how we are getting on. I'm scared but relieved. It's a massive expense saved which is a bonus.

We have decided that for the foreseeable we will have date night on a Monday using the money budgeted for counselling so that we continue the communication, and then we will look at other ways to work

Doctor thinks my depression/anxiety is flaring up again. I have some strange OCD coping mechanisms, one of which is flicking the sides of my fingers when I'm anxious - I'd not done it for a while but the past 2 weeks have been difficult and the sides of my fingers are red raw and scabbed which is a wake up call about how difficult I'm finding things at the moment and I can't believe it took OH and the Doctor to point it out to me. I also start doing things a certain number of times - for example if I brush past a door handle by accident, I have to touch it 16 times in total. I've been doing that a lot recently, and again I hadn't noticed until it was pointed out to me. Doctor has talked about revisiting prozac whilst we wait for another counselling referral but I really don't want to go back on medication.

Bobarella

It sounds like the GP was useful which is great. So often people come away feeling unheard.

kirtsypoos

It's a great practice Bob. I'm still registered at my old Doctors (as in from when I lived with my parents ) as I have such a good relationship with them and I have a lot of respect for the Doctors and Nurses there.

I have started enquiring about local surgeries (I have been for 6 months!) but I can't seem to get any good feedback from anyone and I'm loathe to change in case I end up with a rubbish practice. Will do some more research over the next few weeks