Do Grandparents Treat Your Children Differently

ognum

I would like to reverse this question and ask do you treat all grandparents as equal?

I expect some people do not that is the nature of relationships!

consultant31

maman wrote: »

It's interesting to hear about grandparents like amistupid. My first thought was 'Yes!', I think it's a huge imposition to childmind 4 days a week but that's because it wouldn't fit in with my life not because I don't love my DGDs. Each to his own.

I adore my grandchildren and we waited a long time for the first one to come along. Nevertheless, I told both of my daughters in the very beginning, that I would love to babysit/childmind once or twice a week, but that I definitely wouldn't be up for having the children all day, every day, while they went back to work.

I had 3 children of my own and we did without an awful lot of the 'extras' that are taken for granted now, so that I didn't have to go back to work until the youngest was at school and I could, therefore, look after them myself.

The trouble now seems to be that young couples want everything at once - they're not prepared to wait until they can more easily afford it and so going back to work for the Mum is a necessity.... made easy by compliant grandparents.

WeAreGhosts

ognum wrote: »

I would like to reverse this question and ask do you treat all grandparents as equal?

I expect some people do not that is the nature of relationships!

I only ever had one set of grandparents ....

I'd love to adopt a granny or a grandad

Somethingtotallydifferent

swingaloo wrote: »

Maybe I will put the cat among the pigeons here, but here goes-


I look after 2 sets of grandkids.


I set age 9 and 11, one set age 7 and 10. All girls.


I love having the first 2 but don't enjoy looking after the other 2 because of issues with the eldest of the girls. (child R)


Both sets of girls are very well behaved on the surface and as far as the parents are concerned they are angels. Child Rs parents will repeatedly say how well behaved, polite and helpful she is.


Her mum says she is very polite, however when in a shop she will not ask for anything directly but will look pointedly, make a big thing of licking her lips and say 'Mmmmm those look very nice' dropping a hint. On occasion she will look straight at me and say 'I would buy one of those if mummy had given me any money to spend' but she hasn't. Followed by 'Aren't my manners good, I havnt asked for anything have I'.


In a caf! she will choose the most expensive drink on the menu. She will wait while granddad is in the middle of watching something then get the Tv guide and request very politely that she watches something on another channel.


She will pass remarks in the street such as 'I think that lady is very fat but I wouldnt say it to her as it would be rude'.


She can be very selfish with her younger sister but always has a reason 'Ive taken this off her because she may break it and its very special to me because such-a-body bought it for me' then 5 minutes later its thrown on the floor and trodden on by her.


If the girls get told off for anything she will make a big thing of apologising then smirk at the others as she turns away.


I dont like to say this but I simply do not like this child as much as the others. yes she is polite and well behaved but in a very manipulative way.

\it's funny, this describes my niece, the favoured grand daughter to a T

pickledonionspaceraider

swingaloo wrote: »

That's what I love about these threads, there is always someone with this type of response!

What type of response is that?

moomoomama27

Somethingtotallydifferent wrote: »

Hi All.

I’m a long time poster, I’m just using a different username as, in all honesty, I don’t want to be identified but need to rant a little and get some opinions to see if I’m being unreasonable.

As a grandparent do you treat your grandchildren any differently?

A little background, My partner and I have two kids, my sister also has 2 kids, pretty simple but they get treated so differently. My parents look after my kids vary rarely, I’ve learnt to just not ask as I always get the roiled eye look from my Mum, however when I do ask it’s normally for a day whilst My partner and I are at work and we normally book these months in advance sometimes. My sister however calls in the morning expecting everyone to drop their plans for the day so they can have her kids as she apparently forgot to ask.

We live round the corner from my parents but I’m the sort of person who would rather pay for a play scheme or something that put someone out, they are my kids, I made the decision to have them, I’ll sort them out. To further highlight this, we have managed to sort out child care for every day but 2 days over the summer holiday, the grandparents have agreed to cover these two days but we sorted this back at the start of May, yesterday was one of these days and the kids were plonked with headphones on their tablet computers for the day, my sister however, called the grandparents this morning to ask to have her kids and they’ve been taken out to the beach for the day.

My kids have now started to notice that their grandparents don’t take them to places and are getting upset when we say that they are to go there for the day as they know they’ll just be bored, I’m so upset for them. Other family members have also noticed this and have brought it up with my parents and they don’t see it and think they treat all the grand kids equally, I’ve always been the independent one in the family, as I’ve had to be, I don’t ask for help unless I really need it but I don’t think it’s fair that my kids are treated like a nuisance when my sisters kids are showered with trips and gifts.

Am I being overly sensitive about this as the way I’m feeling I could quite happily move abroad (something we’ve always talked about but never done as not wanting to upset family)?

I could have written this post! This is exactly how my mother treats my children, yet cannot do enough for my brothers two!

It's got to the point that my two youngest won't have anything to do with her, as they feel so second class!

She never offers to look after them, if I've asked in an emergency - like they are ill and DH and I are work I get verbally abused that I chose yo work, I should be a SAHM and take care of the children, just to point out last year she saw the children less than a handful of times, yet lives 15 mins walk away!

she ne er praises my children's achievements, they are two of the easiest most living children too, while my brothers children are challenging!

Like you, on the rare times she's had them they co e back miserable saying she shouts, mocks them and doesn't interact - hence why we now never ever ask.

I feel sad for my children, they see her liking everything my brother and his wife and children do on facebook, and she can't be bothered to do the same for them, and they notice.

FBaby

I think it is easy to assume that because our parents love us and we love our children that they should love our children like we do.

For some reason though, it doesn't work like that. Maybe it is an innate thing that we love our children blindly no matter who they are, whereas grand-parents love them a bit blindly too but not as much.

I suppose it comes down to whether grand-parents consider the children as 'theirs' ie. MY grand-children, or the children of MY children. I expect the more they built a close relationship between themselves independent of the parents, the more likely this will be the case and the more likely they are to love their grand-children blindly.

I know that one my ex's SIL always complained that her mum favoured her sister's children, but then she was an over-protective mum who wouldn't let her mother anywhere near her children until they were school kids (and then expected babysitting during school holidays) whereas her other daughter was happy to let her mum look after her babies from when they were only a few months old. I'm sure that made a difference in her ability to bond with all of them.

quidsy

My mum loves her grandkids more than she loves us. That is admitted fact as she says she can truly enjoy them both now she has time, money, no stress & can give love without the parenting. Me & my sister are fine with it. I'd hate to feel she was treating either differently, thankfully there is a decade between each child so she has been able to focus on each individually. In the op's circumstance I would have the conversation. Calmly & in a neutral place but just say, the kids notice & so do we, that you treat them differently. Is there something wrong or something we do that makes you feel unable to be as close to our kids as the sisters.


One way or another you will know. It could be that the grandparents don't realize they are being different?

Robisere

My favourite "Thing" about my own grandchildren, is that they are all very different, even the siblings. It is truly fascinating to watch them grow and develop in so many different ways, and yet still talk and socialise together. If I have one 'tip' to give new grandparents, it would be to always be interested in your grandchildren and their lives, this brings its own rewards.

RuthnJasper

nonnatus wrote: »

Ahhhhh! Just read your reply OP and it all makes sense now - your sister produced the FIRST Grandchild. There's your answer. It's special isn't it, that first grandkid.

I was the first Grandchild on both sides in my family and I was treated like a Goddess until my pesky brother came along and interrupted my reign :rotfl: Good Times....

Haha, me too! I was most annoyed - I wanted a dog and got a smelly baby brother instead :mad:. Sometimes I still catch the ghost of the nappy-bucket in my nostrils...

Somethingtotallydifferent - I wonder if your sister's kids are a litte more demanding or expectant than yours? For example:
THEM
(On arrival) "Can we go to the beach? Can we? Can we? Can we got to the beach gran, can we? Can we...?!"
Gran: "Ohhh.... alright..."
YOURS
Gran: Do you want to go out or do something?
Kids: "Maybe..." "If you want..."

Obviously I've no idea, but it's just a thought. If it's becoming a concern for your children, it might be worth having a discrete word before it goes on much longer. I'm sure there's a tactful way it can be done without causing a massive bust up.

How about organising a day out for the WHOLE family, plus kids, so you can subtly watch how the children are individually treated by the grandparents and if there is really a major discrepancy.

Best of luck. I'm sure your parents love your children too. xx