Do Grandparents Treat Your Children Differently

jackyann

I agree, time for a talk, before you do, spend a few minutes with this perspective:
daughter 1 loves her kids spending time with us, they pop round a lot & we enjoy their company; daughter 2 only brings hers for the day when she needs childcare - and she organises it months in advance as if we were childminders not family, so we don't feel so comfortable with her kids.

Of course I don't have a clue if that fits, just something to consider.

dirty_magic

You say that you'd rather sort out childcare yourself than send them to grandparents - could this be why they treat them differently? How often do your kids see them in comparison to your sisters children?

If your sisters kids are there often and yours are hardly ever there, it's normal for the grandparents to have a better relationship with the grandchildren they see more often. They probably just know them better.

I think you should point out that you've noticed a difference and ask them if there's a reason for it. At least if they know they can make more of an effort.

74jax

My parents treat my brother's first born like a God.

We all don't mind though and joke about it amougst us all.

He is the one they all talk about - if I say DD has done something then he did better, they looked after him when he was born and my brother nad his wife went back to work, they didn't for my DD or for my brother's 2nd child.

It doesn't bother any of us though - even my DD laughs it off.

Its soooooooooooo obvious, the first born sometimes get embarrased over it, but we just tell him to embrase it. We all don't mind.

duchy

I can see this

They may feel more comfortable taking children they care for frequently out for the day - That they know how they will react, know what they like etc. Yours are probably more self sufficient as they are used to after school clubs etc .

They also may consider your sister as more "needy" as she is always needing childcare and your family as the more self sufficent family and see you give the kids the fun days out whereas their cousins don't get that from their less organized Mum ?

As the non favoured sibling myself I know it hurts but ultimately you can only live the best life you can and accept you can't change other people but you can change how you react to their behaviour.

dirty_magic wrote: »

You say that you'd rather sort out childcare yourself than send them to grandparents - could this be why they treat them differently? How often do your kids see them in comparison to your sisters children?

If your sisters kids are there often and yours are hardly ever there, it's normal for the grandparents to have a better relationship with the grandchildren they see more often. They probably just know them better.

I think you should point out that you've noticed a difference and ask them if there's a reason for it. At least if they know they can make more of an effort.

suki1964

Im a grandma to two - first born a boy and new child a girl

We are also kind of step grandparents and daughters new partner already had children

Now I would have said we treat them ALL the same. The step grand kids are as welcome as them all and they get taken on the same trips etc

However I am aware that grandson has been treated differently from his sister

Not for any other reason then we know him better as he was the only child for 7 years. His dad left when he was one ( no contact since) so we were always there. I had him stay here 4 nights a week most weeks to give mum a break and we had him most of the holidays

Daughter now has her mum and mother in law to be living in the same street. Her partners family all live on the same estate, she has plenty of support so we dont need to step in so much, and tbh, although we arent old, we do find it a lot tougher keeping up with an 18 month old then we did 7 years ago

So no we don't have the grand daughter to stay as often and if I'm honest we don't spend so much on clothes and toys as we did for grandson. Once again though a lot of this is because circumstances have change and daughter doesn't need as much help as she did

We dont aim to treat them different, its just how our lives have evolved. We love them all - step grand kids as well - just we are more comfortable with grandson as we know him so well

CathA

My mum died before my brother had his son, but I know she would have favoured him over anyone else. To be fair, she was very good with mine and my sister's children, and gave us a lot of help when the children were younger. There's a huge age gap between our children and my brother's son, as he was a lot older when he got married and had his little boy (we're talking 22 years between my youngest and his little one!). She always favoured both my eldest and my sister's eldest over our other two and it was noticed. When it was ever mentioned, she just said that was the way it is, she couldn't see the problem. My brother was and always had been the 'golden boy', a situation that caused enough issues between us over the years and it would have just continued if she was still alive.

Ames

One of the reasons for my cousins being treated better than me and my sister is that they were boys whilst we were only girls.

When my grandad visited mum in the hospital after she had my sister he actually said 'don't worry, your brother will have the boys'.

raq

reading all the posts with interest.

I have never experienced this as I haven,t got a sister and my brothers children are all much older. Only thing with me is that they don,t support or help us and we just carry on our daily chores. Only time they did help was when I paid them to look after our first child when I went back to work full time. Never ever a mention of babysitting since... most likely because I don,t pay them anymore.

We too have had many conversations regarding parents but we have much bigger things in life to worry about.

Do hope things work out for you guys though. Look after yourselves

shiny76

This happens with my family. My parents are always looking after my elder sisters kids whilst almost ignoring my younger sisters kids and my son (all children are boys). We know never to ask for them to babysit on a Friday night as that is the eldest sisters night (at the pub) - they also ferry her kids to swimming and football practice throughout the week!

The favoured children are always bought extravgant christmas presents. Whilst my younger sister and I suggest gifts within a reasonable price range. To the extent that my dad asked me for help (I refused) getting my younger sister out the house quickly at christmas so she didn't realise how much the others had been bought - with my mum suddenly finding extra gifts once my younger sister had gone.

This has caused a great deal of hurt, particularly to younger sister who can't understand the difference in treatment.

I think Mum & Dad have their individual reasons. Mum sees it as a chance to be wanted/useful again, almost another go at being a mum (giving her value). Dad claims he does it to keep the kids out of the pub - eldest sister & hubby spend weekend afternoons in the local.

We've even had to move my FILs 70th birthday celebration to the day after his birthday so that we don't need a babysitter on a Friday!

Somethingtotallydifferent, you are not alone. You just have to try to make the best of it

WeAreGhosts

i'm the ignored granddaughter in this scenario. i know it all too well. i am the youngest and while my paternal grandparents were always civil to me, my cousins were the ones who stayed over at their house, got masses of presents, went on day trips and holidays with them (even when my cousins were adults!). i have always felt completely separate from that part of the family and, with my gran still being alive, i still do. in fact i have chosen to stop visiting her because she really does not care whether i visit or not and it was causing me a lot of upset.

to the OP - if the kids are noticing the difference now I would do some about it. either speak to your sister or your parents and say the kids notice the difference. maybe it will shame them into balancing things up a little.