Do Grandparents Treat Your Children Differently

Robisere

For my wife and myself, this is our second time around, so DS & DD are my stepchildren. I am 70 and my wife 69 now, so as you can imagine ds & dd are well into their 40's, but we have all been together now over 30 years and to all intents they are my son & daughter, as they say there are no steps between us and I love them to bits. I had two children of my own who are the same ages, but I have not seen them since 1975. (To forestall criticism, it is a very long sad story and they are in another country, they have nothing to do with their mother or me since leaving her house as young adults as soon as they could.)

When I now say 'ds' or 'dd', I shall mean my stepchildren.

Ds had a marriage breakup after his wife abused and neglected our grandchildren - a girl and boy who were given into his custody at the age of 4 and 2 respectively. Dd's husband left her with a 1 month old baby son after moving her to the county where we all now live. Her ex- has now been divorced twice and has not seen his son for many years. Dd eventually found a good man for a partner and they have a daughter, now 10. Dd's son is 21 and has a very good job as a network engineer with a local company. So we have 4 grandchildren aged 21, 18, 16 and 10. This all sounds like a recipe for family disaster, but that is far from the truth. We are all very close and loving, each of the grandkids have at some time stayed with us for at least one night, we have taken them all on holiday with us in ones and two's and had a wonderful time. We both get hugs from all 4 whenever we meet or part, even the 21 year old does this.

Point is, all 4 are different individuals but they all get along. As granddad, I make a point of taking my 16 year old and 21 year old male cousins, who are good mates to each other, for a meal every alternate week, usually on a Thursday. We also accompany this with a haircut whenever we are ready for one. I take my 18 year old granddaughter to & from work and often to & from her friend's house 20+ miles away. I know and talk to all their friends and have become a sort of unofficial granddad to them.

Only the 10 year old has a 'Sleepover' now, but I really enjoy that and we often take her to the local resorts, as we have done with the other 3. In this way, we have stayed in touch with them all, but have tried to treat them all the same. Sometimes though, due to different ages, schools and work, it is inevitable that one may have a little more spent upon him or her, or a bit more contact in one week. What we do is explain that to the others, but that never seems to be a problem and they accept things as they happen. We feel blessed by having such a close family, but we are really the only grandparents they see. Our son's children lost their maternal grandma when they were babies and the grandad has never tried to see them, but he was an abusive, violent man whom I once caught hitting my granddaughter. I taught him not to do that. Our dd's eldest, the 21 year old, does not like his dad's parents and has no desire to see them or his dad. His 10 year old sister of course, has different other grandparents, but she does not like them as they really are the kind of people "..who seem to think that giving children money and material things, is enough." Those words come from dd's partner, not me and he knows them best.

The result is that we have always felt that we have to try to be the kind of grandparents that our "grandbrats" can find approachable. After all, we are the only ones they see. But it isn't hard, we love them all. I would not understand any grandparents treating grandchildren differently to each other. Whenever mine have a problem, they know who to talk to.

amistupid

maman wrote: »

It's interesting to hear about grandparents like amistupid. My first thought was 'Yes!', I think it's a huge imposition to childmind 4 days a week but that's because it wouldn't fit in with my life not because I don't love my DGDs. Each to his own.

I totally agree. We're both retired, in good health and under sixty, so we're capable of looking after an active toddler, but it certainly wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea.

Kaye1

Robisere you sound like smashing grandparents, I wish mine had grandparents like you in their life. Seems like you have struck a happy balance.

bossymoo

It's the other way for us, competitive grand parenting

My late DH was an only child, so our 2 kiddies are my inlaws only grandchildren. I have one brother, who also has two children but they live half way round the world. My parents are divorced and one remarried, the other settled with partner. Naturally my parents have a stronger bond with my children than they do my two nieces, we live in the same town and see all (three!) sets of grandparents weekly.

My inlaws are both retired, and do help me out an awful lot with babysitting and taking them on trips (sometimes I'm invited too! Lol), we also holiday together occasionally.

I do sometimes think my mum feels a bit pushed out as what with still working and not being as comfortably off she can't shower them with time and gifts etc. she would never say anything to them, but she's mentioned more than once "I saw a lovley xxxx for DS/DD today but I didn't buy it because I know you're overrun with stuff"

It's easier now but it was quite hard when they were babies - my mum was disappointed so many times because they already had bought Moses baskets, and every other thing a baby might need and more.

I do think DS is preferred (first born), especially by FIL - it's hard because he looks so much like his dad did as a little boy, and obviously they miss their son terribly. But they are very good and DD feels every bit as adored, I suppose I do too. They are good to all of us.

gettingtheresometime

My mum has 4 grandchildren - I've an only child and my sister has 3 younger children...the eldest cousin is 7 years younger than my son and then there's a further 8 year gap between him and his younger cousins.

She has always treated all the grandchildren the same even to the extent when buying the younger grandchildren easter eggs she will give my son easter beer

All the grandchildren get the same spent on them for birthdays and Christmas -if they want something more expensive than her budget allows then they get money as a contribution towards it.

peachyprice

*max* wrote: »

This girl sounds 1/highly intelligent and 2/extremely manipulative and 3/selfish. Those are signs that could point towards an ASPD.

Or she could just be a nasty piece of work.

split_second

It definitely happens as it happens in my family, the reason for it with us is my dad is my grandma's stepson :eek:

my dad has 2 step siblings and 2 full siblings- the step siblings children are the apple of my grandma's eye, even now we are all grown up, the rest of us not so much.

example- I got married last year, my grandma made excuses not to come, I know exactly why, because my parents couldn't make it to my uncle's wedding and he was my dad's stepbrother. My aunty (my dad's older sister) even offered to pick her up whenever she wanted and drive her home whenever she wanted, and still she wouldn't come. She only used to come to my parents house if she wanted something and even that stopped when my parents didn't live round the corner anymore, we now all live 5 miles away.
When my grandma wants something doing though, she remembers my dad's phone number.

Gavin83

Brickwall wrote: »

My brother was always the apple of mums eye until the day she died.

I had one daughter, when she was about 6 my brother met someone with two kids, a boy the same age as my daughter and a daughter a couple of years younger. He started taking them to my parents house, my mum started putting them before her own granddaughter, my dad dad wasn't having it, it caused a lot of rows between them. My mum said that my daughter needed to "share" her nan!
Every time my daughter had a birthday party my mum was inviting them, even tho we never had anything to do with each other. Once, my brother was telling my daughter and her friend how lovely looking this girl was, isn't her hair lovely, isn't she cute. I felt like they were being forced onto me. To try and keep some sort of relationship going between my daughter and brother, they had been close, I asked him to come for his dinner on a Wednesday evening, two weeks later he said he couldn't come any more cause her daughter was going to make his dinner on a Wednesday, my mum seemed to think this was fine, maybe it was me but she had plenty of other nights to go there. Mum said I was being unreasonable in not inviting him another night, he's never been for a meal in my house since.
Then I started taking my daughter swimming on a Thursday after school, my mum told my brother and they started going on a Thursday too, thing was they used to go in the adult pool and leave me with all three kids, mine could swim but hers couldn't.
Anything I arranged mum was straight on the phone to ask him if they wanted to go. The final straw between my parents came when my brother was constantly emptying the freezer to take to her house, including things that had been bought for my daughter, my mum told him to shut up and mind his own business. It had rolled on for a number of years, my dad told me he had one grandchild and he wasn't having these two forced onto him. there was a huge blazing row one day, I turned up, knocked at the door, mum opened the door, looked at my daughter and said she had a fat face! My daughter was devastated that her nan could say something like that.
My poor dad had had enough, he went and got a place of his own, I can't say as I blamed him, he had a terrible time with my mum and brother, he spent his last remaining years happy.
Mums gone, the girlfriends kids don't want to know my brother except when they want money or lifts. My daughter never really forgive her nan for what she'd said, it was so sad really. My daughter had been close to my brother when she was small, now she doesn't have much to do with him.
In effect, my mums attitude to her own granddaughter when the other two came on the scene was the start of the end of our family as it was. She constantly talked about the other two and how wonderful they are.
In a lot of ways I blame myself, I should have put my foot down sooner, sadly I've always been the type that goes for the quiet life.

To be honest you and your dad sound as bad as your mum. While your mum shouldn't have neglected your daughter it's unfair for you and your dad to have considered the other two girls as second class citizens just because they weren't blood relatives. For your dad to say he only has one grandchild is a horrible thing to say. It seems like you resented these girls for the actions of your mum which is totally unfair.

Both your daughter and the other two girls should have been treated the same by all parties.

System

My eldest son was the apple of Nannys eye.

I remember a few years back my daughter picking my son up and driving him to see Nan. Nan was so pleased to see him and she gave him an envelope. Thinking it was a Christmas card he opened it to find £200 stuffed inside.

My daughter (or any of my other children didnt even get a card).

WeAreGhosts

I feel better after reading all these posts. Thanks OP for bringing the subject up.

I'd love to know what goes on in their heads. How they justify the situation to themselves ...