Why Won’t You Marry Me.?

Jet

Perhaps there are other emotional issues and she doesn't feel the relationship is as "close" as it could be?

Perhaps she feels that marriage would be "proof" of your love for her and as you are "wealthy" this would be more proof than if you were of more modest means.

I'm not suggesting she isn't a gold digger because that could well be the case and ultimatums are never good, but maybe there is more to this than money?

As you have obviously have had to think about money a lot over the years to be as successful as you have been, perhaps you need to see it from a different angle?

Just a thought?

thegirlbeck

If it helps, you can get what is known as a 'Declaration of Trust' from a solicitor before marriage. Youl list what each party has brought to the marriage (if there is someone who has more cash/assets this is a good idea) and this is then taken into consideration in the event of a divorce. Perhaps speak to a solicitor. The ever so romantic side of me seems to think though that you are not quite in love enough with this person to marry them anyway. Call me old fashioned, but if you were, the cash would not seem as important methinks!

candygirl

thegirlbeck wrote: »

If it helps, you can get what is known as a 'Declaration of Trust' from a solicitor before marriage. Youl list what each party has brought to the marriage (if there is someone who has more cash/assets this is a good idea) and this is then taken into consideration in the event of a divorce. Perhaps speak to a solicitor. The ever so romantic side of me seems to think though that you are not quite in love enough with this person to marry them anyway. Call me old fashioned, but if you were, the cash would not seem as important methinks!

Oooh I 've never heard of that.Sounds like a good idea, but not for Simon as he has so many doubts:p

mussgo

I dont think marriage is entered soley for one person. Both must unreservedly want it. Whilst you have been 'stung' in the past, I think if you were head over heels in love, you would have asked her long ago.

You're both in your fifties (me too) I have said in the past I would never remarry, now? I dont know ......if the right man, who felt the same way ..then ok yes!

You have the additional problem of being percieved as wealthy, by the way, I would never consider husbands wealth as mine ....that is surely a victorian attitude!

It sounds as if you have done much for your lady friend, at our age it is easy to mull along, be comportable in each others company, its so easy to continue with the routine of it all .....perhaps though, scary as it might seem....call her bluff!

What have you to lose?

Sharifa_2

Having read through this, I don't think the issue is 'Should we get married?' - it's 'How long till we split up?' I'd run a mile from anyone who behaved the way your partner is.

margaretclare

You need a good amount to just get by reasonably comfortably and not have to end up on the state.
That's why I am extra careful insofar as I don't want to make a silly mistake .
People worry about investments and percentages and spend hours with their finances but believe me NOTHING can hit you has hard as a divorce when a greedy X (and I am not pointing fingers because it happens both ways Husband to Wife and vice versa) together with a smart lawyer and the courts proceeds to clean you out of up to 70% of your net worth over a chance meeting that your partner had at a bad time in their life when they "struck if off "with a gold digger.Its the biggest and hardest lesson you ever learn.
No wonder I am cautious.

Oh Simon! You sound just like my DH. First time around, because it was a 'long marriage' (19 years) he ended up giving away a house, 2 caravans, a car, and an endowment policy. Second time, after a couple of years in and out of work in the early 1990s, repeated redundancies etc, he arrived on my doorstep like a refugee with all his worldy goods, what he could pack into and on top of his rusty old car. Even then, the ex wanted everything - lies were told about his car, supposedly a red Jaguar rather than a rusty old white Ford Sierra, and his obsolete computer, supposedly valued at £5K. In the end he gave up the equity in the bungalow, left her with the mortgage to pay, in return for keeping his annuity which had been a 'golden goodbye' in a previous career. The cheeky mare even thought he should go on paying the mortgage for her even though she wouldn't let him back in once he'd left!

I did my best to back him up through all of this, and nearly had my assets (a mortgaged bungalow) dragged into the equation because ex tried to blame me for 'stealing him'.

However, we were in love. I fell in love with him first, it took him longer. And even longer to come round to the idea of marriage. But we got there in the end and, now both 72, we couldn't be happier, contented, satisfied with all that we have and delighted to spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

When we got married we said 'all that I am I give you, all that I have I share with you'. We didn't quibble about when we acquired this or that. 5 years on, we're better off than we were then because we have more income than we need (both have independent pensions and annuities) and we're saving.

I did almost give an ultimatum, because the way I was brought up, living over t'brush was shameful. A different world! But I couldn't have thrown him out. I was, and still am, too much in love with him for that. But I certainly did NOT marry him for any material possessions or assets. I'll never forget seeing him on the doorstep that night! All I could do was to just welcome him in.

HTH

Margaret

simon-dupree

Declarations of trust,pre nups and all that are not necessarily recognised by the courts (and can be overridden)and must be taken with solicitors advice at least a month before marriage.Then the lawyers are duty bound to make sure their client gets a reasonable payout in line with their expectations of the type of wealth they are marrying into (total declaration of all parties assets is necessary to either side ) otherwise they will advise against it.Its a minefield and to all those who say pay people to give advice.Pay them and they will worn you against it from a financial point of view.There is no way round it why do you think England is renouound as the worst place in the world to get divorced in. Simon

candygirl

Simon have you come to a decision yet regarding Miss Moneypenny?

consultant31

You say "she wishes to retire soon, with no money", but she has £100,000 in the bank and her own house - perhaps it's me, but though that doesn't equate to the same as having a million in stocks and shares, it's hardly nothing!

I think you have answered your own question really - you don't love her enough to marry her, so move on. As for her 'advising' on a property deal, that was surely said as a joke! No-one would be daft enough to think it's so easy anyone can do it (would they????)

She may have to work for another 4 years before she can retire, but, after earning £25,000 she should get a good pension which will give her a decent standard of living.

One thing I noticed, you said "I like holidays but they're not extravagant ones"..............3 months winter break in California seems mighty extravagant to me (but then I'm not in your league, lol).

Also, after 30 years of marriage, your ex was entitled to a large part of your fortune - but it makes me wonder why she got a larger portion than you did!!!

Dasnookster

consultant31 wrote: »

Also, after 30 years of marriage, your ex was entitled to a large part of your fortune - but it makes me wonder why she got a larger portion than you did!!!

Can't speak for all cases, but in my case my husband got a larger portion than me purely because he had a shrewder solicitor than me and was prepared to be like a dog with a bone - My solicitor advised me not to give up when I did and to fight for more because I would defo get it, but to be perfectly honest, it had already been going on for over a year and I couldn't deal with the stress, hassle and nastiness any longer.

People who haven't been through it often don't understand what is involved, its one of the toughest things I have ever been experienced, really unpleasant.