Why Won’t You Marry Me.?

simon-dupree

Nine years ago I retired after working hard for 33 years with a net worth of about one million .After three years of retirement my wife of 30 years met someone else and asked for a divorce that ended up with her receiving 60% of the assets and me 40%.
For three and a half of the last 6 years I have been having a relationship with a woman who was left assets from her divorce of about £100,000 and a job providing income of about £25,000 per year.
My assets mainly industrial properties and shares have risen in value to at least £1.1million and provide me with an income of about £50,000 per year.
She owns a house that I have spent the last two years doing up for her (I was in the building industry) and as she lost her first house (sold to clear a joint mortgage with her X) in the divorce I have said its best for her to own her own house and I will have nothing to do with its ownership or want no claim on it.
I own no house (my X took mine and lives in it with a new partner) but I live with my elderly mother officially as she is glad for me to look after the maintenance and her general welfare, but I have ended up only living there a few nights a week , the other others I am with my partner of three years in her house to which I contribute half the overheads and running cost of our expenses together.
I am reluctant to get married again as the laws in England are pretty draconian with a 50/50 split minimum almost immediately due to either party if a divorce should happen. Having lost a fortune in my first divorce I am reluctant to get remarried with such a disparity of assets and I understand a pre nuptial agreement is not legal in England but may be taken into consideration and that seems a gamble.
Although I thought I was fairly well committed as I have done loads to put her life back on track and I am a good reliable partner in all aspects of the relationship, after three years she wants marriage and has given me an ultimatum “marry me or goodbye” she says she loves me and I am unreasonable insofar as no one will have me unless I marry them. We are both 56 and I can see it’s to secure her future but she seems obsessive that we are married. Then I know if we split I will loose another half a million pounds possibly after a relatively short marriage. I am being asked to gamble half my net worth on a relationship at an age I will struggle to make it back again if I even wanted to. If I am not careful I can see years of hard work saving up for a reasonable retirement phase in my life disappearing into possible relationship mistakes. Not forgetting statistically one out of every two second marriages fail.
I have wondered for sometime if my potential to provide her security was the main aim of the relationship and this has actual made me more reluctant to get married.
She has had me to relate to discuss my reluctance to commit to marriage to no avail as they said we still had a relationship and it depends on our wants and views if we marry...
Am I being unreasonable in shying away from marriage?
She claims it isn’t the money she wants. Although a bigger house jointly bought has been mentioned. Her wish to retire shortly (with no money!) has also been mentioned.
But I have been really told it will be over if I will not marry her.
As I have got much attached but I am not madly in love (probably because of all this marriage pressure) to her I don’t know what to make of it all. I spent two years getting her house refurbished and we got along well in most respects. Had some lovely holidays together it just seems as though marriage is everything to her.
Any constructive views on anyone else having a view bad or good on this situation would be much appreciated

summerday

Hello,Sorry I don't have any real advice or help to offer you, I just wanted to say I feel for you being in this predicament. Is it only recently that she has been so determined on marriage or has she been clear that she expects it from a fairly early stage in the relationship?Sarah

tomstickland

Well, in my opinion you must have some other doubts. My impression is that you relationship with the current partner is not 100% balanced.

csnann

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Does she have any plans to fund her retirement (other than by marrying you)? It sounds like she is a bit of a gold digger to be honest.

sparklymessygirl

Hi there,

If you don't want to be married and you don't really love her and this is what she says is the sticking point then I would think you would have to look at calling it a day. Once you make this decision you might then get a sense of whether you are relieved (even though you might be sad and disappointed) or you might think that you have allowed someone wonderful to walk away.

You have to feel good and safe in your decision.

Sparkly

TheWaltons_3

Love is not about a piece of Paper.

If she loved you, she wouldn't ask, knowing how you have been stung in the past with Marriage.

£££££ and Bingo Wings in a dress is all I see!

daftlass_2

I would have to agree with the waltons. Im sorry but she seems to be after your money and you would be well rid of her. What were her retirement plans before you came along? All just seems a bit of a bloody cheek to me. Sorry mate, but love should come before money and if she loved you a piece of paper wouldn't matter one little bit. It dont to me anyway.

doodledoodle24

I am with thewaltons and daftlass, def sounds as if she is after your money!

moanin'minnie

Ditto. what everyone else said!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buffy_the_Vampire_Bat

Your words: "I have got much attached but I am not madly in love" - personally speaking I could not imagine marrying someone I wasn't madly in love with!

Just my (brief) thoughts on the matter

Kimitatsu

Have to agree with Buffy for the comment above!

Why do you need to move to a bigger house if you got married? Surely the house you have both spent time doing up would be more than adequate for your needs?

Is she just after more comittment - not wanting you to stay at your Mum's in the week. I can see that you want to keep an eye on her but maybe she feel threatened.

If it were me I think I would tell her that all of my businesses were in trust to be passed onto the next generation (you didnt mention if you had kids or not) and see what her reaction is. If she is just thinking of £ signs then you may see a difference if not then maybe she just wants to see more of you.

Either way her giving you an ultimatum seems rather silly, either she will lose you completely or she will have to back down and look daft. What do YOU want to do - so far you have told us all what she wants but not what you want at all.

Maybe there is the place to start