Your partner doesn't drive, does it bother you?

Georgiegirl256

PeonySugar wrote: »

and he knows he will need to drive once we move in together....

Why? Once you've moved in together there'd be no driving long distances to see each other.

Some people just aren't cut out for driving, and shouldn't be made to learn if they genuinely don't want to.

I think it's extremely shallow of anyone to say they wouldn't date someone just because they couldn't/won't drive if they are perfect in other ways and they want to be with them.

missbiggles1

PeonySugar wrote: »

It is a problem that we can't go to his house , but there's a very valid reason we can't unfortunately, involving a family member. Nothing that either of us have done it's a self inflicted problem this person has. He doesn't even like being at home himself. We are looking to move in together hence mentioning the house deposit, and he knows he will need to drive once we move in together. It's just the issue of getting him to drive. He would be an excellent driver once he has passed his test but he doesn't like being in close proximity with someone he doesn't know and hates tests. Maybe looking for a specialist nervous driver school could be a good idea.

I wasn't looking at this as a deal breaker, I love him very much, but working full time and then driving all evening when all I want to do is get some tea on and get a shower and get a few bits and bobs done is tiring. I suppose I just have to look at it as it's not forever...

That still doesn't really explain why you can't just meet somewhere in between where you can drive and he can get public transport or why not go out in his area rather than go to his place.

I also don't understand why you say he'll have to drive when you move in together. Surely you'll just choose to live somewhere with reasonable public transport to where he works, which is also an acceptable drive for you to get in?

justme111

" not forever "- how long will it take him to to save money needed for his part of a deposit ?
Well if you are settled and happy with him then the obvious solution would be see him less so that you don't get that tired spending 4 hours taxing .

BigAunty

So he has a fear of driving, a fear of being in close proximity of people he doesn't know, a fear of tests, a fear of being alone in the house and a possible fear of standing up to the family member at home who won't let you visit as a guest (the last one is just a guess)?

PeonySugar

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Why? Once you've moved in together there'd be no driving long distances to see each other.

Some people just aren't cut out for driving, and shouldn't be made to learn if they genuinely don't want to.

I think it's extremely shallow of anyone to say they wouldn't date someone just because they couldn't/won't drive if they are perfect in other ways and they want to be with them.

I haven't said I wouldn't date him. I have said it is not a deal breaker. I just find it very stressful at the moment. He would still need to be able to drive. At the moment a family member gives him a lift to work which wouldn't be able to continue when we move in together. He starts work before public transport properly begins in the area.

elsien

I wouldn't bank on the "he'll have to drive when we live together" bit. His anxiety isn't going to vanish just because you're in the same house, and there'll be even less incentive than he's got now to overcome it.
My brother passed his test at 17. He's now 50 and has never driven since. Yes there are times it's inconvenient - taking the kids on holiday means options are limited when you can only pick places with good public transport - but he lives in a city so it's fine on a day to day basis, and he manages. Because for whatever reason he'd rather do that than get behind the wheel if a car. Passing the test doesn't mean your boyfriend will continue to drive.
I do sympathise - 2 hours worth of driving after work would be a deal breaker for me. But I think he needs to focus on the reasons for the anxiety for him to be able to get anywhere.

BigAunty

geerex wrote: »

Anxiety?
Ditch him if he's that precious. I couldn't be doing with someone like that. Too much like hard work.

I agree that having a partner with a mental illness could probably be 'hard work' in some circumstances.

Not sure the phrase about being 'precious' is usefully applied to a sufferer of anxiety. It implies they are a bit grand and think they are a bit special.

I thought anxiety is about lacking in confidence and low esteem?

PeonySugar

elsien wrote: »

I wouldn't bank on the "he'll have to drive when we live together" bit. His anxiety isn't going to vanish just because you're in the same house, and there'll be even less incentive than he's got now to overcome it.
My brother passed his test at 17. He's now 50 and has never driven since. Yes there are times it's inconvenient - taking the kids on holiday means options are limited when you can only pick places with good public transport - but he lives in a city so it's fine on a day to day basis, and he manages. Because for whatever reason he'd rather do that than get behind the wheel if a car. Passing the test doesn't mean your boyfriend will continue to drive.
I do sympathise - 2 hours worth of driving after work would be a deal breaker for me. But I think he needs to focus on the reasons for the anxiety for him to be able to get anywhere.

Thank you for this, it's just sort of reorganised my thoughts. I'm going to talk to him tonight about the anxiety that he has. I think like you say it's the key to things. I find it hard myself as a sufferer of anxiety too, but I have sought help and had 3 years of therapy and take medication. Maybe gently encouraging him to take the same help might help him too.

Georgiegirl256

PeonySugar wrote: »

I haven't said I wouldn't date him. I have said it is not a deal breaker.

I know, that was in relation to some of the answers on this thread.

Does he even want to learn though?

BigAunty

PeonySugar wrote: »

Thank you for this, it's just sort of reorganised my thoughts. I'm going to talk to him tonight about the anxiety that he has. I think like you say it's the key to things. I find it hard myself as a sufferer of anxiety too, but I have sought help and had 3 years of therapy and take medication. Maybe gently encouraging him to take the same help might help him too.

What's plan B if your gentle encouragement to seek a solution to his anxiety meets with the same (I assume - quiet) resistance to getting driving lessons?

What will you do if he doesn't acknowledge he has an issue, or does acknowledge it's an issue but then doesn't book an appointment with his GP, book counselling, undertake courses or take any meds he gets?