Fall Out - should I just get over it?

balletshoes

spookalili wrote: »

No, but I do believe that if she believes in me and trusts me (she has no reason not to), she shouldn't be talking me down behind my back just because she's scared of disagreeing with my dad. I thought she had more credibility than that and had more faith in me, but this obviously isn't true.

I think you're overthinking this - your mum was clearly mortified that you overheard her conversation with her husband, and is coming to see you to smooth the waters and try to make you feel better.

When she comes over/has come over, accept her explanation and her apology, graciously. You are kidding yourself if you think even your closest family and friends won't discuss your actions occasionally with their nearest and dearest, and especially when in your case, you already know your Dad isn't impressed with you borrowing money from your Mum. How could she not be caught in the middle of it?

missbiggles1

Looking at your other thread, I can see it was an item costing many hundreds of pounds, which puts an even worst slant on your borrowing - I assumed you were talking about a new handbag or something similar! No wonder she was peed off!

justme111

spookalili wrote: »

Interesting how you gather that from a couple of very vague forum posts. Your opinion and response is appreciated though and I do understand your point - it probably was easier for her to just agree with him to get her off his back. It was just hurtful to hear her tell my dad something we both know is untrue. I am however, not ungrateful. I appreciate everything my parents do and have done for me. I suppose it's difficult to understand a lot of the background issues without me going into a lot of boring details about my family.

Issue is being resolved regardless, the money is now paid back, I have told her that although I am upset, I understand why she said that to my dad and that I hope it isn't how she actually feels about me. I apologised if I sounded short and assured her that she could trust me, then gave her a big hug.

Thank you for your advice everybody.

well done. Re your questioning of mojisola's guesses '- human reactions and nature have patterns. If someone touches the iron, says "ouch" and pulls hand back and a child seeing it asks the adult who sees it happening as well what happened the most likely explanation the adult will give to a child is that the iron was probably hot and it hurt. If course one could say the person pulled his muscle at tge time if touching the iron. The irin being hot is far more likely explanation though. So mojisola given you most likely explanation being careful and using words "may be "

Kaye1

If the money has always been paid back, I don't see what the father's problem is.
If it was continually borrowed and not paid back- another matter. But it has been, so what's the problem?
OP, I don't know what the money was for but perhaps try not to borrow from her again. It's a shame that this has soured that aspect of your relationship. Don't let it ruin everything. It sounds as if you dealt with it in a kind way.


And all those people giving harsh responses- I don't believe any one of us would not be shocked if we heard our parents running us down.

missbiggles1

Kaye1 wrote: »

If the money has always been paid back, I don't see what the father's problem is.
If it was continually borrowed and not paid back- another matter. But it has been, so what's the problem?
OP, I don't know what the money was for but perhaps try not to borrow from her again. It's a shame that this has soured that aspect of your relationship. Don't let it ruin everything. It sounds as if you dealt with it in a kind way.


And all those people giving harsh responses- I don't believe any one of us would not be shocked if we heard our parents running us down.

Many of us are well aware that our parents could be critical of us, however much they loved us. Just as many of us would criticise our own children's behaviour, certainly to the other parent. On top of this, how many people on here spend vast amounts of time being critical of their own parents and obviously say that, even to their faces?

Why would anybody be shocked that their parents really don't think that they're perfect - they aren't stupid, just parents!

amersall

Mojisola wrote: »

Is there a chance that you heard her saying what your Dad wanted to hear and it wasn't what she really thinks?

my thoughts exactly
I do, have done and still do , things for my Kids ( grown up now) that Dad never knows, or knew and if he does know, I tell him what he wants to hear.
Result, peace on earth and goodwill in the Smith household

amersall

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Looking at your other thread, I can see it was an item costing many hundreds of pounds, which puts an even worst slant on your borrowing - I assumed you were talking about a new handbag or something similar! No wonder she was peed off!

I have never given that much to my Children :eek: I would have been peed off too and Divorced now

System

I cant understand why you are borrowing money off your Mum if you know it causes problems between your Mum and Dad.

Grow up and stand on your own two feet.

pickledonionspaceraider

I think the time has come for you to stop borrowing money from your parents.

Aside from that - to borrow money for a luxury item you consider returning (i.e don't need), is not clever spending and does (sorry to say) hint that you need to get control over your finances as an adult in your own right

In terms of ''are you making a big deal of the phone call?'' = I would be mortified if I heard my mother talking about me in such derogatory terms to my father. I would return the item and hand her back her cash.

Your parents are clearly uncomfortable with loaning you money on some level - however they seem unable to say this to you directly. I wonder why this is?

I can understand their feelings towards the situation to a degree, as it sounds as if you are in your 30's and STILL borrowing from parents - that is not cool, dude, especially in non emergency circumstances

I wouldn't let it affect future relationships - however I would never borrow again.

Most people stop asking their parents to loan money when they reach young adults and honestly, it is time you do the same, as you are putting your parents in an awkward situation that they do not want to be in

spookalili

Thank you for all of your replies guys, even if it was difficult to hear some of them!

You have all brought up some very good points...specifically that I don't think I'm comfortable with borrowing money from my parents (despite how insistent my mum is that she doesn't mind!) and I don't think my dad is comfortable with it either. My mum is obviously trying to do her best for me but perhaps the most recent reason for lending money was not the most sensible. I had felt bad since I borrowed the money as I knew I didn't need it that badly!

We have now returned the item, the money is back with my mum and I just gave her another call to tell her not to feel bad, that I understand why she said that to dad and that she shouldn't feel stuck in the middle between us. I will now reserve any money borrowing for absolutely emergencies as I have realised that money only leads to issues (even if they're not widely discussed!).

I'm glad I didn't hold any kind of grudge - seeing my mum upset made me realise how much I love and cherish her. I don't want to see her feeling that way again.

In my (somewhat rubbish!) defence, I have been very unwell today, so perhaps a little more sensitive than usual! :rotfl: