Fall Out - should I just get over it?

paddy's_mum

spookalili wrote: »

she cares more about making him happy than defending me

Perhaps, in his turn, your father feels that you should be standing on your own two feet and that she should be supporting him in his views rather than making you happy.

There's a lot of sense in the old saying 'neither a lender or a borrower be'.

I'd also add that if your parents have shared a marriage, a home, their incomes and the support each has offered the other over the years, then why does the fact that 'her' money is currently available to him have any relevance?

For what it's worth, I too would have a huge issue with my spouse lending money against my wishes and (presumably) without consultation.

She's your Mum and you love her so why not just count up all she has done for you over the years and let your hurt go?

justme111

The incident is fresh so your feelings raw. U will feel calmer about it tomorrow. People when they get older often become a bit unreasonable as your dad probably had and she has chosen to keep him happy rather than go into full blown argument - very wise decision imho. She did not slag you , she said "IF you don't return it that will be " - absolutely truthful words. So let it go and have more tolerance to your mum in the future , nobody will love you like her , take it from me who have lost my mum a year ago.

Mojisola

spookalili wrote: »

A very high chance - but it bothers me that she cares more about making him happy than defending me.

Seriously? You think a wife should put an adult child above her husband?

spookalili

Gigervamp wrote: »

I wouldn't hold a grudge.

You mention your mum lending you money often, and this time it was spent on something that you then decided you didn't want. Perhaps you should look at your budgeting. You shouldn't be borrowing money regularly, even if you do pay it back, and this item you bought doesn't sound like it was something you needed, so why did you borrow to buy it?

I needed it at the time, then found a way around needing it so thought I would put it off for a few months until I'm in a position where I can purchase it myself.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Perhaps, in his turn, your father feels that you should be standing on your own two feet and that she should be supporting him in his views rather than making you happy.

There's a lot of sense in the old saying 'neither a lender or a borrower be'.

I'd also add that if your parents have shared a marriage, a home, their incomes and the support each has offered the other over the years, then why does the fact that 'her' money is currently available to him have any relevance?

For what it's worth, I too would have a huge issue with my spouse lending money against my wishes and (presumably) without consultation.

She's your Mum and you love her so why not just count up all she has done for you over the years and let your hurt go?

I have borrowed money from my parents twice in the past six months, neither were particularly high amounts. I have paid them back. The reasons for borrowing money have always been genuine and have not put either of my parents in financial difficulty.

I can let it go as I know what the relationship is like between her and my father. However, this is one of several mishaps in a very short period of time and I'm beginning to struggle being around her.

spookalili

Mojisola wrote: »

Seriously? You think a wife should put an adult child above her husband?

No, but I do believe that if she believes in me and trusts me (she has no reason not to), she shouldn't be talking me down behind my back just because she's scared of disagreeing with my dad. I thought she had more credibility than that and had more faith in me, but this obviously isn't true.

cavework

Ask yourself how you would feel if your parents were not there anymore?
It will happen, it comes to all of us..
make the most of the time you have
xx

Mojisola

spookalili wrote: »

No, but I do believe that if she believes in me and trusts me (she has no reason not to), she shouldn't be talking me down behind my back just because she's scared of disagreeing with my dad. I thought she had more credibility than that and had more faith in me, but this obviously isn't true.

Why on earth not? If she knows, from years of experience, that the options are a long-running argument about her lending you money yet again or a comment or two placating him and peace raining in the household, why shouldn't she go for the easy option?

Remember that you were not meant to hear what she said.

She could have taken the easy option of not lending you any money and avoiding the arguments that way but she's chosen to keep supporting you.

You sound very ungrateful.

spookalili

Mojisola wrote: »

Why on earth not? If she knows, from years of experience, that the options are a long-running argument about her lending you money yet again or a comment or two placating him and peace raining in the household, why shouldn't she go for the easy option?

Remember that you were not meant to hear what she said.

She could have taken the easy option of not lending you any money and avoiding the arguments that way but she's chosen to keep supporting you.

You sound very ungrateful.

Interesting how you gather that from a couple of very vague forum posts. Your opinion and response is appreciated though and I do understand your point - it probably was easier for her to just agree with him to get her off his back. It was just hurtful to hear her tell my dad something we both know is untrue. I am however, not ungrateful. I appreciate everything my parents do and have done for me. I suppose it's difficult to understand a lot of the background issues without me going into a lot of boring details about my family.

Issue is being resolved regardless, the money is now paid back, I have told her that although I am upset, I understand why she said that to my dad and that I hope it isn't how she actually feels about me. I apologised if I sounded short and assured her that she could trust me, then gave her a big hug.

Thank you for your advice everybody.

Georgiegirl256

spookalili wrote: »

- but it bothers me that she cares more about making him happy than defending me.

Of course she does, he's her husband!

She's maybe getting as fed up as your Dad is at having to continually lend you money and has finally decided "that would be it". I know more was probably said, but those words don't seem particularly nasty to me, just honest.

She's probably had years of your Dad not being happy at lending you money (which is understandable) and has decided it's time you stood on your own two feet.

Totally agree with what cavework has said, and you'd be very wise to take heed of that post.

merrydance

At least she cares enough to come over and speak to you