Invited for dinner then being asked to help clear up

ash28

If we have family round (adult children & partners/sister/brother etc) for dinner then everyone mucks in at the end with the clearing up and they help out by setting the table, helping with the veg etc. It's usually a combined effort.

One the other hand, if it's a dinner party (not for family) then no one helps out - the clearing up is left (usually) until the morning. We don't do any clearing up other than move plates from the different courses into the kitchen as each one is finished and nothing is washed until either the guests have gone or the morning, usually the morning. I wouldn't dream of leaving guests while I wash up or expect them to help.....they are our guests. Not that I like getting up to crusty plates and dirty glasses when I have a mild hangover. If I'm at a dinner party I take my cue from the host.....if they seemed keen to clean up while people were there I would offer to help or just get up and help.

It sounds like it was a family meal the OP was invited to rather than a more formal dinner party, in that case in her position I would have offered to help wash up.

Soleil_lune

I have never been asked to wash up when I have been to dinner, and I have never asked anyone to do it. It does seem kind of a rude way to treat your guests.

omendata

Why say no after a free meal.

With my cleaning OCD i would probably have been in the kitchen and cleaned everything anyway before she even asked.
lol

Petra_70

I wouldn't be offended if I was asked to help with the washing up, but I would be surprised. As some people have already said on here, it doesn't seem a very courteous way to treat a guest. (Having said that, I would probably offer...)

And I think that the fact that the person the OP went with, just left her there was very discourteous towards her. I would not have been pleased if my friend had done that to me

Yorkshire_Yankee

I always offer. I might possibly have been a tiny bit surprised, but I certainly would not have been offended.

FWIW, I once brought my then-(now ex) boyfriend to a big family meal. In our family, everyone helps out with clean-up – male as well as female. If a guest offers to help, we are happy to accept their offer. (I always noted whether or not a boyfriend offered to help, as I figured that told me something about him.)

This bf did not offer to help, so the rest of us got on with clearing & cleaning up, saying nothing about it either way. He later told me that he had not helped because we had not asked him to, and actually felt 'left out' – as though he was not welcome to join us. He had been wishing we would ask him to help (and felt that we should have asked him to help, to make him feel welcome/a part of the family).

You just never know..

BTW, I told him that he should never feel awkward about offering to help out – it's highly unlikely that anyone would feel offended/feel he was being presumptuous about an offer to help clear up after a meal...

sooty&sweep

No I wouldn't feel offended.
You are in someone's home not in a restaurant with paid staff.
I'd rather help & get the clearing up done so everyone can sit down & relax together.
Jen

jaylee3

I would automatically offer and wouldn't wait to be asked.

That said, I would never in a million years ask someone to help me clear up after inviting them for a meal. It doesn't seem like a great way to treat your guests.

I was surprised at the poster who said that their boyfriend was offended at not being asked to help with the washing up. I don't think my other half has ever been offended at not being asked to help with the washing up LOL; even when we have been at someone else's house. I think he feels 'wanted' and 'included' enough by being invited in the first place.

eskimo26

How well does the mum know you? Sounds like your being treated as one of the family or maybe the poor women was just exhausted or wanted some company while she cleaned? Where you left alone when she asked?

Homeagain

I have to say, (and I feel so strongly about this), but if I invite you to my home for a meal I have no intention to ask you to help me tidy up and/or wash dishes ... you are my guests, you are there at my invite and I don't believe that you should work in any way. I have never accepted any offer of help and I don't clear up until everyone has left. Having said that, I don't offer to clean up anyone's kitchen if I have been invited there as a guest. That's the whole point. If you are invited to my home, its my duty as a host(ess) to clear up. No question.

Carfal

Maybe the mum wanted a chance to get to know you better. Easier to talk to someone when you're working together to complete a task. If you've been to dinner in her house a couple of times then this would be perfectly reasonable. I' d take it as a sign that she considers you to be "part of the family".