Invited for dinner then being asked to help clear up

Gloomendoom

BarryBlue wrote: »

Not only were we summoned to the kitchen and handed tea towels, we hadn't even had the pudding course. Only when all the dishes used to that point were washed, dried and put away did pudding appear.

My brother-in-law does that and I thought he must be the only one. Apparently not.

I thought it a bit odd at first but now I just go with the flow.

tenuissent

As a 72 yr old with an unhandy husband, I do expect help at our large family gatherings, especially when my adult children bring their friends and all their children and we can be 20 - 30 people. I put up a list of things that need doing on the cupboard door and everyone chooses a job that appeals to them. The friends seem to particularly enjoy chopping and slicing and chatting together before the meal, and one of them (a young man) is a demon washer-up and will not let me near the sink. The older children form a baggage train to carry dishes through to the dishwasher in another room. My job is to plan the meals carefully, provide enough knives and boards and bowls etc and generally keep things more or less organised. I feel I have failed if people generously ask what they can do to help and I don't have an answer, hence the list. I am not a Sikh but I have helped out in their temples where everyone is expected as a matter of course to prepare vegetables for huge curries to be eaten together later, and, of course, cleared away again.

Small more formal dinner parties are quite different, and unless guests are really pressing and might be sad if their offers are rejected, I always tell them that I clear up in the morning, and make sure we sit and chat instead of clattering dishes around. If they are staying the night, I would rather get up early and sort the kitchen/living room out thoroughly in peace than spoil the evening.

I have never been asked to help to wash up after a meal, and I think I would be a little offended if the assumption was that I wouldn't help if I weren't asked to.....

stmartinsdiver

Don't come to our house for dinner then!
We always help when we go to someone else's and find if infuriating when guests at our house just leave us to clear up without offering help - if you know the people well why would anyone be offended by being asked to help clear up after being fed, watered and waited on?
The only time it's acceptable to leave the clearing up to someone else is if you've paid for a meal or they decline an offer of assistance.

hazyjo

I absolutely hate people helping me to clear/wash up/load dishwasher. I certainly don't expect it, but it's nice when they offer. I always decline though.


I remember when I used to go round my BF's friends' house for lunch or dinner (with several others) - everyone there would help cook things (literally get things out the fridge and get the frying pan out and start cooking), load the dishwasher or wash up, and it was just a given. I felt unbelievably awkward as they weren't really 'my' friends (actually he wasn't a particularly nice man and to say I 'disliked' him would be an understatement - which probably didn't help) and felt like I was making myself too at home or invading their privacy. I did help though (and offered), although everyone else just got up and did things. I do remember a dig or two at me not just jumping up and doing something while two of the women were cooking in the kitchen (one being my BF's ex who hated me). I mean, what else can you do? I was their guest and felt just so AWKWARD and in the way.


I'm also quite OCD and can't bear touching dirty things and scraping other people's food off plates just makes me want to gag. Don't mind so much if my friends and in my house, but far worse in someone else's.


Jx

Petaldust

I wouldn't expect a guest to help clean up, but I'd think it a little rude if they didn't at least offer. I always do, even if it's at my mum-in-law's and I know she never lets me help. Is there such a thing as a 'culture' where people don't help with the washing up? Or are you just making excuses?

zaax

Maybe they wanted to show their kitchen off, also the kitchen is a good place to gossip. Also the chance to get at the wine / beer in the fridge as you put the left overs away

lostinrates

I decline help in the kitchen. There are very few times I will break with this in my home. One is if I want a quiet giggly chat or less giggly one that I don't want overheard with the person I have asked, another is If that person is giving discomfort to others and I wish to ease that.

I HATE sharing my kitchen space, and find it more efficient and pleasurable to do things alone or with my husband later, so there has to be a reason for me to ask.

duchy

tenuissent wrote: »

As a 72 yr old with an unhandy husband, I do expect help at our large family gatherings, especially when my adult children bring their friends and all their children and we can be 20 - 30 people.
I have never been asked to help to wash up after a meal, and I think I would be a little offended if the assumption was that I wouldn't help if I weren't asked to.....

But this wasn't a gathering of the masses it was the OP , her friend, his brother , Dad (who cooked so apparently isn't unhandy) and Mum .
Doling out jobs to a big group isn't the same as this- not the same scenario at all.

j.e.j.

I wouldn't sit there watching other people doing the work, I would offer to help, but equally I wouldn't appreciate it if my friend who invited me for the meal b*ggered off in the car with his brother and the mum put me on the spot and asked me to help her wash up. Sounds as if she's addressing a child! Yes I would have been a bit offended.

forzaitalia

Whenever I have a dinner party, I love it if people offer to tidy/wash up. Nothing worse than all the guests leaving and you are left will piles of stuff to tidy up and wash. We have a dishwasher but plates still need scraping and the dishwasher still needs filling. All our friends and family always help and we help them. My husband and I always offer to help the host/hostess - it's just the RIGHT THING TO DO!

You just come across as a spoilt selfish brat - sorry!