Husband moaning about money constantly

jayII

justme111 wrote: »

Needs - what for ? Do you know what he wants ? Has he asked you what he needs ? To become a better person ? To stop his wife being irritated with him ? Are you sure you know what happens in that family ? We know only that he smokes , stays in bed till he can and moans about money. Are you his life coach to talk about his needs ? The problem been presented to us was that the wife wad getting irritated with him so the most straightforward and right solution is for wife to STOP being irritated with him. We all happen to be not our best at times , life has ups and downs. When we not at our best we don't necessarily need our significant other to kick us saying to man up, when a woman does it to a man it is likely to result in them not seeing each other as romantic partners anymore and then that's the death of the marriage. I know from being irritated with one to divorce is a long way but once is on that way it is difficult to turn back , its better not to start it and treat other with respect and love despite that other being flawed as we all are . Don't forget , op writes about what annoys her in her husband. She does not write what his good traits are as it is off topic. Yet some of us went as far as saying "I don't know what you see in him"! He relocated for her career - do you know many men who would so that ? No , and this thread shows why - because then he loses good job , has less money , feels insecure , she earns more and gets irritated with his insecurity. He may adore her , kiss the ground on which she stepped, be life and sole of the party , look great , be great lover , be the most honest and altruistic person on this planet .

justme111 wrote: »

Really ? So one is not allowed to express his frustration about this that or other ? What does it have to do with the amount he gets and earn versus the amount she gets and earns ? People often express unhappiness with something which is not exactly the real reason they are unhappy but just venting topic. For all u know he may find it upsetting his income dropped and finds it difficult to cope with. Or her attitude "you earn this but I earn that" may grate on him . Or he may fill unfulfilled because business is something which his dad built up , not him. Or he may not like that business but cope with it through gritted teeth because it makes sense financially. Or due to young child and her irritation witj him their sex life is shot and he feels she dies mot love and value him anymore. Ok , Mr.Perfect would not been in that situation , he would have tackled the real issue of his upset. Let's say that you are right and he is not a decent man - what do you suggest OP does ? Change him into a decent one ? If he does not fit her criteria for a decent life partner than the right thing would be to let him go , not try to criticise him in an attempt to mold him into the imaginary perfect man .

justme111 wrote: »

Looks like he always spent his money in this way. When he earned more and did not gave a child it was not an issue , when she stayed home she probably done his lunches and done housework. Now that circumstances change he did not adjust. He may see adjustment is needed. He may see it is needed but take it as " it is needed because I earn less "which is a difficult pill to swallow instead of "adjustment needed because we as a couple have less money and far more work to do ". If she is not careful in how she gets a message across he may take it as affront to his male ego and resist it and get even sadder and moan even more..

All you're doing is hypothesizing about how bad his life 'might' be, what problems he 'may' have and how his life 'might' have been when his wife 'stayed home' (when was that by the way? I must have missed it amongst the posts.)

Maybe the opposite of all that is true: that he hated his old job and was happy for a reason to move from it, loves his new job, has loads of great sex, is often complimented by his wife, and so on.
None of us knows, so all the hypothesizing in the world is simply that and only takes the thread off topic. Not exactly helpful to the OP's request for advice to help fix her relationship, is it!

The OP asked for help and posted that this man moans constantly about what he doesn't have, that he does nada around the house, (yet moans about the cooking) and stays in bed when their small child needs to be cared for.

In reality his gender is completely irrelevant. In my book (excepting severe illness or disability), any parent who behaves like that needs to sort themselves out and start helping more with the responsibilities they have taken on by having a relationship and a child! Where I come from, no other behaviour is reasonable or acceptable.

Homeownertobe

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The man in question gets the same amount of discretionary spends as his wife, even though he's bringing home just over half of what she is. A decent man would not be constantly moaning about how little he has and would be looking for ways to increase his income while he shut the eff up about it.

I guarantee if the genders were reversed your 'opinion' would be completely different.

Some on here are almost becoming caricatures of themselves.

justme111

May be , may be.
In my world we all need to do something .. in the land where you come from nobody needs to correct anything as they are all perfect then.. or are they perfect only in chores sharing ?:D
I believe I am being helpful in offering help to op and others in understanding what happens and why and giving my understanding of the reasons the conflict often arise while drawing attention to inappropriateness of derogatory remarks on him. You disagree saying I am off topic. Ok , if you praise yourself for staying on topic - how exactly your statement that he needs to do housework help her ?

justme111

Of course I agree they need to split housework properly. If anybody can share strategy that worked would been great. In any case original post is about money which is very different topic . So even she probably does not know what her main concern is , she mentioned in subsequent posts he does not do anything for them to move , she is the only one pulling that cart as well. So there is a lot of frustration. They seem to have more serious issues than him buying his lunches outside.