Husband moaning about money constantly

justme111

When people get all bolshy about their partner's shortcomings it is useful to recall all the aspects in which that partner is better than one (as there bound to be , we all have different strengths and weaknesses ).

pollypenny

I was always the money manger, until I was doing my finals, then OH took over. End result, big overdraft and credit card debt.

I took things over again, but I hated telling him, usually, that we couldn't afford such and such a thing. It was like telling off a little boy.

We started doing our budgets together and now he's far more cautious than I am.

Managing money and being in accord is crucial in marriage.

ciderwithrosie_2

justme111 wrote: »

When people get all bolshy about their partner's shortcomings it is useful to recall all the aspects in which that partner is better than one (as there bound to be , we all have different strengths and weaknesses ).

We've been married nearly 26 years and if people ask me what the 'secret' is to a successful marriage - I normally say something like recognising and accepting each others strengths and weaknesses.

The OH is quite happy to let me lead with the finances - he always asks before purchasing anything (apart from presents for me) if we can afford it, not that he spends loads but he doesn't have much of a clue what we have in the bank at any given time - I keep a running spread sheet which he could look at if he really wanted to.

fairy_lights

justme111 wrote: »

I would be concerned if I were you about seeing him like a child - women can be ruthless with their men when they see weaknesses in them. Families break over it as it does not set the right dynamic.

Well he needs to stop acting like a child and start taking responsibility for himself then doesn't he?

justme111

fairy_lights wrote: »

Well he needs to stop acting like a child and start taking responsibility for himself then doesn't he?

Needs - what for ? Do you know what he wants ? Has he asked you what he needs ? To become a better person ? To stop his wife being irritated with him ? Are you sure you know what happens in that family ? We know only that he smokes , stays in bed till he can and moans about money. Are you his life coach to talk about his needs ? The problem been presented to us was that the wife wad getting irritated with him so the most straightforward and right solution is for wife to STOP being irritated with him. We all happen to be not our best at times , life has ups and downs. When we not at our best we don't necessarily need our significant other to kick us saying to man up, when a woman does it to a man it is likely to result in them not seeing each other as romantic partners anymore and then that's the death of the marriage. I know from being irritated with one to divorce is a long way but once is on that way it is difficult to turn back , its better not to start it and treat other with respect and love despite that other being flawed as we all are . Don't forget , op writes about what annoys her in her husband. She does not write what his good traits are as it is off topic. Yet some of us went as far as saying "I don't know what you see in him"! He relocated for her career - do you know many men who would so that ? No , and this thread shows why - because then he loses good job , has less money , feels insecure , she earns more and gets irritated with his insecurity. He may adore her , kiss the ground on which she stepped, be life and sole of the party , look great , be great lover , be the most honest and altruistic person on this planet .

BitterAndTwisted

The man in question gets the same amount of discretionary spends as his wife, even though he's bringing home just over half of what she is. A decent man would not be constantly moaning about how little he has and would be looking for ways to increase his income while he shut the eff up about it.

justme111

Really ? So one is not allowed to express his frustration about this that or other ? What does it have to do with the amount he gets and earn versus the amount she gets and earns ? People often express unhappiness with something which is not exactly the real reason they are unhappy but just venting topic. For all u know he may find it upsetting his income dropped and finds it difficult to cope with. Or her attitude "you earn this but I earn that" may grate on him . Or he may fill unfulfilled because business is something which his dad built up , not him. Or he may not like that business but cope with it through gritted teeth because it makes sense financially. Or due to young child and her irritation witj him their sex life is shot and he feels she dies mot love and value him anymore. Ok , Mr.Perfect would not been in that situation , he would have tackled the real issue of his upset. Let's say that you are right and he is not a decent man - what do you suggest OP does ? Change him into a decent one ? If he does not fit her criteria for a decent life partner than the right thing would be to let him go , not try to criticise him in an attempt to mold him into the imaginary perfect man .

justme111

Looks like he always spent his money in this way. When he earned more and did not gave a child it was not an issue , when she stayed home she probably done his lunches and done housework. Now that circumstances change he did not adjust. He may see adjustment is needed. He may see it is needed but take it as " it is needed because I earn less "which is a difficult pill to swallow instead of "adjustment needed because we as a couple have less money and far more work to do ". If she is not careful in how she gets a message across he may take it as affront to his male ego and resist it and get even sadder and moan even more..

fairy_lights

justme111 wrote: »

Really ? So one is not allowed to express his frustration about this that or other ? What does it have to do with the amount he gets and earn versus the amount she gets and earns ? People often express unhappiness with something which is not exactly the real reason they are unhappy but just venting topic. For all u know he may find it upsetting his income dropped and finds it difficult to cope with. Or her attitude "you earn this but I earn that" may grate on him . Or he may fill unfulfilled because business is something which his dad built up , not him. Or he may not like that business but cope with it through gritted teeth because it makes sense financially. Or due to young child and her irritation witj him their sex life is shot and he feels she dies mot love and value him anymore. Ok , Mr.Perfect would not been in that situation , he would have tackled the real issue of his upset. Let's say that you are right and he is not a decent man - what do you suggest OP does ? Change him into a decent one ? If he does not fit her criteria for a decent life partner than the right thing would be to let him go , not try to criticise him in an attempt to mold him into the imaginary perfect man .

Even if he is in the state of inner turmoil you think he might be, that's no excuse not to do any of the housework is it?

justme111

fairy_lights wrote: »

Even if he is in the state of inner turmoil you think he might be, that's no excuse not to do any of the housework is it?

ah , excuses there are i am sure plenty . You must mean he is wrong in not doing it and here I agree (provided op have given us accurate recount and have not omitted any info ). From being wrong not pulling his weight at home to not being a decent man is quite a leap though. Every single woman I known well enough to speak about it has mentioned at some point their husbands not doing housework when family had young child.