I am in a mess and don't know what to do

Caroline_a

I've just read through all of this thread. OP, I have to agree with the person who said you were trying to clear your debts with a teaspoon. However I think that the real biggie, which I know you don't want to hear, is that you should tell your husband. You said that your relationship wasn't great now - how much worse would it be if he tried to (say) take out a small loan for a new car as the old one had died, and was turned down?

There have been many many threads on here from both men and women about how devastated they have been when they discovered their other halves had been lying to them about finances - and many have made the decision to break up the relationship purely based on that. At least if you tell him now then you will be telling him your way, in your time. If he finds out you will have nowhere to hide from your deceit.

I do wish you luck with your debt management, and hope that your health improves, but please do think about this - life isn't easy on your own!

[Deleted User]

kb_soma wrote: »

I love the food shop at Aldi, We can feed 2 adults for around £20 per week including lunches and dinner. I love their cheapest baked beans too. I imagine a comparative shop at Te$c0 would be at least 3 times as high.

When I go food shopping, I always tot up the price as I go along and have a maximum spend in mind, this stops us from filling up the trolley with fancy cheese and sliced meats!

The meat I bought yesterday will cover us for 2 weeks plus the list included toiletries and cleaning products.

[Deleted User]

AutumnLeaf wrote: »

Just a thought OP - you mentioned your husband had a year's salary in the bank in case of a lean times at work.

You also mention in your first post that some of this is his or at least joint debt.

Perhaps you could consider using some savings to pay off a portion of the debt. This would save some interest.

I totally appreciate the importance of an emergency fund but is a year without any work a likely scenario? I would argue that you are currently facing a debt emergency.

ALx

We have just gone through 5 years of no work for him, so the emergency fund is dwindling but still one year left. I can't use it as it is an account just in oh name.

[Deleted User]

Jo3y83 wrote: »

I have to agree with ViolaLass, your husband may be very hurt and livid when he finds out (which he will).
Maybe you're not crediting him enough, he may be devastated that you've been going through this alone and you may find his support is refreshing and therefore makes the challenge less daunting.

I can imagine the only reason you are reluctant to tell him is through fear but it's never as bad as you imagine. Try him, at least give him a chance to help you.

The last time I got into this sort of mess, he was furious and left for over 6 months. I am not telling him.

[Deleted User]

Caroline_a wrote: »

I've just read through all of this thread. OP, I have to agree with the person who said you were trying to clear your debts with a teaspoon. However I think that the real biggie, which I know you don't want to hear, is that you should tell your husband. You said that your relationship wasn't great now - how much worse would it be if he tried to (say) take out a small loan for a new car as the old one had died, and was turned down?

There have been many many threads on here from both men and women about how devastated they have been when they discovered their other halves had been lying to them about finances - and many have made the decision to break up the relationship purely based on that. At least if you tell him now then you will be telling him your way, in your time. If he finds out you will have nowhere to hide from your deceit.

I do wish you luck with your debt management, and hope that your health improves, but please do think about this - life isn't easy on your own!

He has never ever bought a car on finance, so with his job at the moment, he wouldn't even consider it.
My health won't improve. It will get worse as if anything.

Anoneemoose

uselessnow wrote: »

He has never ever bought a car on finance, so with his job at the moment, he wouldn't even consider it.
My health won't improve. It will get worse as if anything.

Again, you're completely (and deliberately I believe), missing the point.

But, what we say will fall on deaf ears, again. You should tell your OH, he WILL find out and then you will have no choice. To be honest, you have no chance of paying this debt off on your own, without at least ruining your marriage or your health further.

I do wish you the best in your debt busting, but I wouldn't be surprised if you end up on the relationships board at some point down the line.

[Deleted User]

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Again, you're completely (and deliberately I believe), missing the point.

But, what we say will fall on deaf ears, again. You should tell your OH, he WILL find out and then you will have no choice. To be honest, you have no chance of paying this debt off on your own, without at least ruining your marriage or your health further.

I do wish you the best in your debt busting, but I wouldn't be surprised if you end up on the relationships board at some point down the line.

What you are saying is NOT falling on deaf ears but I feel that anything I say IS falling on deaf ears. I have told you all the truth but because it doesn't fit with what you want to say you say it is falling on deaf ears.

Anoneemoose

uselessnow wrote: »

What you are saying is NOT falling on deaf ears but I feel that anything I say IS falling on deaf ears. I have told you all the truth but because it doesn't fit with what you want to say you say it is falling on deaf ears.

What has telling us the truth got to do with it?

And yes, I suppose you're correct, although we are choosing to ignore what you say in the hope we can make you see sense. And none of this is said with any malice but actual concern for you. Maybe we should stop saying stuff but I really, really wish you could realise that doing it 'your way' is going to be fighting a losing battle.

And that is not to say I don't commend your efforts.

satchmo1

uselessnow wrote: »

The last time I got into this sort of mess, he was furious and left for over 6 months.

That explains a lot about your reluctance to tell OH.


Well done on the shopping, especially as it included toiletries and cleaning stuff. One of the best cleaning products is white vinegar, and if you pop some leftover lemon peel (or lime) in the smell goes completely after a day or so. Pour it into an empty spray bottle and it's great for cleaning sinks, showers, windows.


Does OH take a packed lunch - and if he doesn't would he eat it if you made it for him? That could be an area for savings.


Aldi sausages are really good, have you tried them?

peaceandfreedom

uselessnow wrote: »

We have just gone through 5 years of no work for him, so the emergency fund is dwindling but still one year left. I can't use it as it is an account just in oh name.

5 years of no work? Why is this - has he been looking for work? I'm confused now - perhaps you have discussed this earlier and I've missed it.