Girlfriend left me over Pokemon

Tropez

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

This sort of thing makes me glad I am a computer nerd, working in a company full of computer nerds. We don't get any of the above at all. Perhaps a polite "Good weekend?" on a Monday morning, which leaves people free to elaborate if they wish, but no Spanish inquisition. Similarly if there's a wedding or other social function where partners can attend, it's no big deal if people come alone or as a couple. No-one asks where the missing partner is or why they couldn't come, as it's none of anyone else's business.

A simple, direct "it's none of your business" or "he chose not to come" to any co-worker who queries the absence of a partner would sort things out in such a situation.

Maybe my workplace is weird as we don't gossip about each other.

I agree, it's nobody else's business... and yet, people are quite insistent on making things their business. Some office environments aren't that far removed from the movie 'Mean Girls'. I find the higher the level of office politicking, the more prone some people become to gossip and judgemental nonsense. Telling someone something is none of their business elicits the 'Well I never(!)' and telling someone that their partner chose not to come generates the snarking about a relationship being on the rocks.

I'm not sure why... maybe that's why soap operas are popular? Might be something to do with boredom too. When our employer flirted with the stupid idea of monthly commission caps, thus removing salespeople's incentive to do their job for the last couple of weeks each month, those same salespeople ended up blithering on about all sorts of crap.

dirty_magic

Tropez wrote: »

Here's how I see it:

She's been invited to the wedding of a friend from work. In some office cultures, this can be a much bigger deal than it should be because if a lot of co-workers are going, the gossip around the water-cooler, coffee pot etc. on the Monday morning is going to be entirely wedding related. "Did you see what such and such was wearing?", "Sally, I loved your shoes!", "Oh how about V's husband" and all that.

Now if she shows up with no date, and people know she's in a long-term relationship, she's got to have a reason for you not being there. You being at a Pokemon tournament... not a good reason, and thus all that gossip around the coffee pot on the Monday morning will be focused on her. Not a place many people want to be. She could lie, claim you're ill, something like that but it can be dicey ground - I mean some people, when you tell them your partner's ill, they turn into amateur bloody doctors on you - unless you go with having the squits, then generally no one asks questions, but there is a bizarre embarrassment factor.

And really, the thing is, a lot of us have interests that to our partners seem a bit childish but you do have to remember that they can never come before your partner. This wedding could be very important to her, for any reason, not just because she might not want to be the focal point of nattering numpties, and your dismissal that you want to go and play in a tournament instead might be seen by her as a dismissal of her and the relationship.

It's nothing to do with anyone else. I couldn't care less what other people think of my relationship or whether people talk about me on
a Monday morning. There's always gossip in an office and it'll be someone else the next day anyway. The opinions of others on your relationship would only affect you if you're having the same doubts yourself, otherwise you'd just ignore it.

My guess is that this isn't a one off incident and the girlfriend is feeling neglected in general. I think the OP needs to look at how much they do together the rest of the time and how often they have real quality time together.

meer53

OP, if i were your GF, i'd hate to have to explain to my grown up friends that my BF couldn't be with me because he was at a Pokemon Tournament. I'd be embarrassed to be honest.

Callie22

meer53 wrote: »

OP, if i were your GF, i'd hate to have to explain to my grown up friends that my BF couldn't be with me because he was at a Pokemon Tournament. I'd be embarrassed to be honest.

I wouldn't - it's just one of those things, most people have hobbies and it's no more embarrassing than saying he's gone fishing, or to a sci-fi convention, or a sports tournament. One of my work colleagues is going on holiday soon and they've had to arrange the break around visiting one of the biggest model railway exhibitions in the world, it's just what you do when you have a partner and they have a hobby. You either share it or shrug your shoulders and accept that's what they enjoy doing.

TBagpuss

meer53 wrote: »

OP, if i were your GF, i'd hate to have to explain to my grown up friends that my BF couldn't be with me because he was at a Pokemon Tournament. I'd be embarrassed to be honest.

I wouldn't. And if I were, then the obvious answer is that you don't explain to them. You simply say that sadly he had a prior commitment. Or that he was already booked for a weekend with friends and couldn't let them down.

OP - I agree that this is probably about more than this one weekend and this one wedding. I would suggest that you try to sit down with your girlfriend, explain to her that you love her very much and don't want to split, that you are very sorry that she feels that you put the Pokemon first and her second, and ask whether she is willing to discuss what happens in the future - whether she has been feeling for a while that you made it a higher priority, and what level of involvement she feels would be reasonable.

I agree with the PP who asked you when you last chose her over the game, or gave something up to accommodate her? In this instance, it sounds as though the wedding invitation was a late thing and you have already made other arrangements, but in general, do you expect to plan things around your games / tournaments?

Also talk to her about whether there is anything specific about the wedding which makes it particularly important to her that you be there (she may be nervous about it for some reason)

heartbreak_star

Me and the OH have a hobby in common and also a separate one each. Generally we will work around each other, but I'd never expect him to drop a tournament for my work colleague's wedding.

HBS x

Tropez

dirty_magic wrote: »

It's nothing to do with anyone else.

Agreed, yet it doesn't stop people, does it?

I couldn't care less what other people think of my relationship or whether people talk about me on a Monday morning.

Good for you.

There's always gossip in an office and it'll be someone else the next day anyway.

Maybe...

The opinions of others on your relationship would only affect you if you're having the same doubts yourself, otherwise you'd just ignore it.

For some people, just the fact that people are talking about them in a negative way would be upsetting, or a daunting prospect. Pretty much everyone has some particular insecurity, and it's not exactly uncommon for one to attempt to avoid being the subject of discussion amongst the harpies. It doesn't mean that a person would share the sentiments being expressed about them, more that they'd rather not feel awkward in an office.

It's, of course, nice that some people feel they could abruptly dismiss other people's blitherings - it shows strong sense of character to not give a fig about the many, many hours working in a hostile environment, or a snarky one, or just generally one where you're left to be a plum on your own (especially given unpopularity will be considered when it comes to some internal promotions in many businesses). Not everyone would feel the same way, though.

Personally, I'm all for firing the gossipers but they don't let me do that, sadly.

Lunar_Eclipse

Feelings don't have to be rational.

Personally I do think sports tournaments and Pokemon conventions are not the same. One I find more socially acceptable to adults than the other. DH enjoys reading RPG books, something I will always think is a bit unusual and never understand (escapism? nurturing his inner child?)

Whilst I can see the bust up is an over reaction and possibly not about Pokemon, I do suspect the girlfriend/wife isn't keen on the hobby at all and it is the last straw for her.

Homeownertobe

Someone in their 30s choosing a child's game over their relationship is not someone who should be in an adult relationship.

duchy

Homeownertobe wrote: »

Someone in their 30s choosing a child's game over their relationship is not someone who should be in an adult relationship.

What a stupid thing to say

Plenty of people have hobbies others don't see the point of (can there be anything more childish than travelling to see 22 men kick a ball around a field for example - the same game 9 year olds play in the school playground).

Not everyone is a sheep and conforms to your idea of what is and isn't an acceptable hobby.

The issue isn't the hobby - it's the time and commitment given to it -and how that impacts on the relationship.

It does sound odd that the GF only knew about the wedding at a week's notice- and maybe she is testing the OP as to whether she is more important than his hobby (which is a pretty childish thing to do) by dropping it on him with little notice.