Are we being mean ?

SailorSam

My niece got married a few years ago and it was in Cyprus. Lovely 5* hotel but it cost me almost £1000 to go. The Grooms Mum is only a cleaner and she told me she'd had to take out a 3yr loan to pay for herself and the rest of her kids. Then when we got home there was a second wedding for all those who couldn't manage to get to the first.
I thought that was being mean expecting people to pay out so much.

Mrs_Optimist

I just thought I should clarify that we will be there for the entirety of the wedding, just not staying the night before (the ceremony isn't until later in the afternoon so it would be a long day waiting around) & we would leave when it finished. We are attending both stag & hen do's which are not cheap either.

We will still be enjoying the day itself & celebrating with family - it was just the expectation we would be staying for 2 nights that made us baulk at the unnecessary expense.

I get on extremely well with my in laws so the insinuation otherwise is way off the mark, although I appreciate that written word can be misinterprated by the reader.

Goldiegirl

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Do you think they're all gong to spend the night together in the same room?

What earthly difference does it make if, at the end of the evening, the OP's family turn left out of the hotel entrance while everybody else turns right and goes upstairs? How does that make them lesser participants at the wedding?

It doesn't make any difference at all as long as they are being honest about it, and they appear to have spoken to the father in law about their reasons for declining his kind offer

So to sum up, they have the money, but they feel more comfortable about staying at home.

I don't see a problem with that.

But the OP asked if she was being mean, and if she has the money, maybe other people in the family may think that she is being mean.

That's why I think she should be honest, and say that they'd feel more comfortable by not staying overnight, and the tell the BIL this

Jagraf

Maybe instead of getting married the BIL could spend his money on a big get together with the FIL family.

Then BIL could get married quietly. You don't need a big wedding spending lots of money to get a family together, you could have a party in a community centre for a few hundred quid.

Jagraf

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

I just thought I should clarify that we will be there for the entirety of the wedding, just not staying the night before (the ceremony isn't until later in the afternoon so it would be a long day waiting around) & we would leave when it finished. We are attending both stag & hen do's which are not cheap either.

We will still be enjoying the day itself & celebrating with family - it was just the expectation we would be staying for 2 nights that made us baulk at the unnecessary expense.

I get on extremely well with my in laws so the insinuation otherwise is way off the mark, although I appreciate that written word can be misinterprated by the reader.

Do you mean 'mean' financially or 'mean' spirited?

fierystormcloud

Mojisola wrote: »

They are going to be at the wedding!

Unless there are plans for a midnight feast or some other event during the night, why would them sleeping at home make any difference to the event?

Exactly. It's selfish and mean for the groomzilla BIL to expect people to spend multiple 100s on staying 14 miles away from his house! And if he has cancer, what difference does THAT make? Does it mean the OP cares less because he doesn't stay? What a ludicrous thing to say.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

How many people want to have a mini holiday that's just down the road from where they live?

Well exactly! It's absolutely ridiculous.

Pollycat wrote: »

I think the b-i-l is being a groomzilla.
It's a new one on me.

Yes he is! Like I said, many people spend ridiculous amounts of money on weddings these days, and become selfish, self centred, and mean; if they want people to go to fancy venues for the wedding and stag or hen, then they should PAY for them.

I have known sooooo many people with weddings like this over the last 15-20 years; all show and vast expense, and then often taking 10 years to pay it all off. Ridiculous. I have not attended several weddings - and also hen nights - because of the stupid amount of money it was going to cost. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I will spend my money how and when *I* want to, not when some Bridezilla or Groomzilla wants me to!

Loz01

No way I would stay 2 nights somewhere that was a 15 minute drive from my house!! Tell them you cant justify the costs and its pointless as you're so close to home. Especially with two kids in tow, jesus. Some people are selfish.

Mrs_Optimist

I suppose we could be classed as mean - sprited & financially. It is FIL not my BIL who has terminal illness.

I get on well with both - I am exceptionally close to my FIL and DH & I thanked him for his offer to pay for us but we explained our reasoning behind not wanting to accept his offer (we have the money & would rather he spent that money on himself) & the overall cost for a bed for two nights when we don't really want to stay for both.

theoretica

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

I just thought I should clarify that we will be there for the entirety of the wedding, just not staying the night before (the ceremony isn't until later in the afternoon so it would be a long day waiting around) & we would leave when it finished.

You might be missing out on quite a lot of the social aspect of the wedding by not being there for the 'waiting around'.

I am rather surprised at the implication that your kids may end up sleeping on the floor and still be charged £40 each. It sounds like not the most formal of hotels so maybe you could negotiate they would bring sleeping bags and sleep on the floor for breakfast cost only?

Or your OH could stay over but you and the kids taxi? That would cut the cost from £300 to £80 + taxis. Or if your OH had the room for both nights but you all stayed over the 2nd?

happyandcontented

It is a trend for close families to do this to sort of lengthen the family time if you like. I agree it is expensive but we have done it for our nieces wedding which was 5 minutes up the road. We had a lovely close family meal prior to the wedding day and a family breakfast the day afterwards, it was very special.

That said, we could all afford to do it. In your place if it is a struggle I would take up the offer from FIL and not feel guilty about it. If they badly want you there and really you feel you should go, then that is the solution.