Are we being mean ?

bagpussbear

No you are not being mean. Your brother in law is being unreasonable here, but he has his head in wedding dizziness so won't be seeing it like that at the moment.

If it wasn't for the money, would you want to stay? I think you need to be honest and say that you simply cannot afford the cost given you have the children so double the cost of everyone else going.

You never know, he might end up offering to pay half of the stay so the cost is equal to everyone else.

But given you are only 14 miles away it seems silly to spend any money on an overnight to be honest.

Don't be pushed into doing something you don't want to.

Homeownertobe

I think there's something else going on here. If you couldn't afford the money it would be one thing, but you can and are still choosing not to go. Even when your family have offered to pay, you're still refusing to stay.

It appears that the family want you there but YOU (you said your husband 'agrees') don't want to take part in the full celebration, even with no cost to you.

I suspect despite your justification, this will have long term ramifications and won't end well for you.

Homeownertobe

bagpussbear wrote: »

No you are not being mean. Your brother in law is being unreasonable here, but he has his head in wedding dizziness so won't be seeing it like that at the moment.

If it wasn't for the money, would you want to stay? I think you need to be honest and say that you simply cannot afford the cost given you have the children so double the cost of everyone else going.

You never know, he might end up offering to pay half of the stay so the cost is equal to everyone else.

But given you are only 14 miles away it seems silly to spend any money on an overnight to be honest.

Don't be pushed into doing something you don't want to.

The OP's father in law has already offered to cover the cost fully, suggesting this is the entire family wanting them there and not just the brother in law.

But obviously the OP doesn't want her husband and children to participate as fully as the other family members.

Gigglepig

I would not wish to miss out on a sibling's wedding and would rather have a weekend with them and family than a random weekend break. Going away together sounds like a fun family weekend that I would prioritise,weddings are very expensive but it is a sibling and presumably plenty of notice - and it is their big day. I wonder if OP is not very close to their inlaws and/or not very attached to their own siblings.

Kynthia

Homeownertobe wrote: »

I think there's something else going on here. If you couldn't afford the money it would be one thing, but you can and are still choosing not to go. Even when your family have offered to pay, you're still refusing to stay.

It appears that the family want you there but YOU (you said your husband 'agrees') don't want to take part in the full celebration, even with no cost to you.

I suspect despite your justification, this will have long term ramifications and won't end well for you.

I don't think there's necessarily something else going on here. The OP feels it's too much money to stay two nights in a hotel for a wedding that's only 30 mins away. Yet they feel uncomfortable allowing the FIL to pay for them as they aren't broke and do have £300, it's just that they have other things to spend that money on where it would 'go further'.


OP, I get the feeling that you would go if it cost half of what it does and fully understand why you don't want to take someone else's money. You aren't being mean as although everyone getting married has a vision of what it will be like and what everyone will do, sensible people who care about their guests know that others have lives, complications and budgets that sometimes mean they can't fulfil your wishes. You ask for what you want if it's not unreasonable and graciously accept if they decline. Your BIL will have a nice time with the people that are there and will have a lovely wedding day with you there too.

Errata

£300 + decent (new?) rigouts for all, plus a wedding present costing £:eek:, plus paying for own food and drinks the night before? = probably in excess of £500!

fierystormcloud

Urgh, I used to LOVE going to weddings (pre 2000s) but people seem to turn into total oiks these days! What happened to the days of having a quick service, (at the local church or registry office,) then having a pub lunch with family and friends after, and then a disco in the social club with a buffet for a few dozen other friends and work colleagues?!

Why on earth would ANYONE stay overnight for 14 miles? What is that, fifteen to twenty pounds in a taxi?! I would tell the relative to do one. Or if you don't want to do that, tell him you are skint and will be attending, but will go home at the end of the night.

And I agree with Errata, it is NOT just women who are bridezillas LOL. So many people seem to have big weddings these days, and always expect people to shell out 500 pounds plus for it. Some even expect people to travel abroad for hen and stag nights and for the wedding too! And pay for it out of their own pocket!!! Unfair and ridiculous. People need to stop trying to be something they're not. A big fancy wedding doesn't make you anything special!

Kynthia

Errata wrote: »

£300 + decent (new?) rigouts for all, plus a wedding present costing £:eek:, plus paying for own food and drinks the night before? = probably in excess of £500!

Plus stag night/weekend. It's expensive being a wedding guest, but when it's a close friend or family member it can be wonderful.

Homeownertobe

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Urgh, I used to LOVE going to weddings (pre 2000s) but people seem to turn into total oiks these days! What happened to the days of having a quick service, (at the local church or registry office,) then having a pub lunch with family and friends after, and then a disco in the social club with a buffet for a few dozen other friends and work colleagues?!

Why on earth would ANYONE stay overnight for 14 miles? What is that, fifteen to twenty pounds in a taxi?! I would tell the relative to do one. Or if you don't want to do that, tell him you are skint and will be attending, but will go home at the end of the night.

And I agree with Errata, it is NOT just women who are bridezillas LOL. So many people seem to have big weddings these days, and always expect people to shell out multiple 100s for it. Unfair and ridiculous. People need to stop trying to be something they're not. A big fancy wedding doesn't make you anything special!

What do you mean by this?

Mojisola

fierystormcloud wrote: »

A big fancy wedding doesn't make you anything special!

And your day won't be made or spoiled if some of the guests go home and sleep in their own beds instead of staying in the hotel!