Are we being mean ?

calleyw

Mojisola wrote: »

It's the brother who is being unreasonable, not you.

I agree. I would never stay over for a wedding that was 14 miles away.

I know someone who had to go on a weeks holiday to attend a siblings wedding as they got married abroad.

Umm no.

Yours

Calley

Mrs_Optimist

Well just priced up a weekend in Cornwall for the 4 of us that bank holiday and it is coming in at considerably less than the £320 we would have to pay to spend two nights at the wedding venue !!

That is my justification to my bil when he queries why we aren't staying - & it would be the same stance if it was one of my siblings too in case anyone wonders if it is double standards !

It's interesting that no one has sided with my bil on this thread & that makes me feel more reasonable !

BitterAndTwisted

People can expect anything they like when they're not the ones paying the damned bill! A two day wedding is a huge imposition, not just in money but in time, too.

Go for the day and order a taxi home. If family's noses are put out of joint, that's just bad luck on their part.

missbiggles1

Why on earth would you even consider staying for a night,much less two, for a wedding that's less than 30 minutes drive away? Do you spend the night every time you go out for the evening?

Madness to even consider it.

balletshoes

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

Well just priced up a weekend in Cornwall for the 4 of us that bank holiday and it is coming in at considerably less than the £320 we would have to pay to spend two nights at the wedding venue !!

That is my justification to my bil when he queries why we aren't staying - & it would be the same stance if it was one of my siblings too in case anyone wonders if it is double standards !

It's interesting that no one has sided with my bil on this thread & that makes me feel more reasonable !

i wouldn't use that as a justification to your BIL though - a wedding is kind of an obligation (although a pleasant one usually), I don't lump it in the same category as a holiday/break away from home.

Theres no need for you to stay overnight at this wedding, to me thats a given, and thats the reason i'd use if asked directly by the groom, i wouldn't get into "well we could have a family weekend away for less" as thats likely to offend!

Corelli

IMHO your BIL is being totally unreasonable, and very selfish to be making you feel bad about not staying over when you live so close.

Weddings should be a fun celebration, not an exercise in showing off how much money you can splash about. This isn't even going to be going on a expensive present but will be about him having lots of family about all the time. Perhaps that is the sub text? Look, they all care about me so much they will stay here at goodness knows what price and inconvenience.

Perhaps he feels like it means you don't care enough if you don't stay. In which case you need to phrase your refusal with lots of explaining about how much you do care, but you can be with them most of the time without staying at the hotel.

It does feel a little like emotional manipulation by a rather insecure person, but possibly I'm reading too much into this on not enough information.

Errata

Looks like grooms aren't excluded from being Bridezillas.

pmlindyloo

Just to throw a spanner in the works!

I think a lot of this depends on how you well get on with the immediate family. Do you have a good time with them?

If you all get on well and this will be a weekend to remember then, IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT, you could treat it as a mini holiday.

The only thing that makes me say this is your FIL's offer to pay for you. That seems to suggest that they want you there as part of the family.

Problem is these things have a habit of coming back to bite you.

If you think your family (not just your BIL) will be OK with your not staying over - take offence, make unkind remarks about - e.g. 'they can afford so and so but couldn't join us at the wedding' then stick to your guns and taxi there and back. (apologies for the clumsy sentence!)

It's a once in a life time experience (hopefully) and, maybe, not worth the hassle.

Just so you don't think I am being totally argumentative - I loathe these
expensive hen does/stag does/weddings abroad - not MSE at all! But then we're all different!

sidefx

Absolutely no need for you to feel mean or guilty OP.

The BIL is expecting an awful lot if he expects guests to pay that especially when you live so close.

Get taxis there and back. As a compromise you could always stay till bedtime and arrive for breakfast...it will matter to no-one that you don't actually sleep at the hotel (although I personally come and go as I felt reasonable ie. for pre-wedding dinner, wedding breakfast etc).

It is a huge amount of money to expect you to pay, so do not feel mean OP.

justme111

I would let father in law pay. Obviously for him it is worthwhile expense to pay for you so let him to. May be him paying children's stay etc