Are we being mean ?

missbiggles1

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Me too! Too many bridezillas and groomzillas expecting people to bend over backwards to do what THEY want. What happened to the days when people just turned up at the wedding, and went to the wedding reception after, and then the 'night do' on the night-time? All these fancy themed weddings, some multiple 100s of miles away, some abroad, (even hen and stag nights abroad in some cases!) and the couple wanting people to stay overnight at their own expense.

A good friend of mine is currently massively stressed out, as one of her nephews and two of her nieces are getting married, within 10 weeks of one another. One of the weddings is 300 miles from their home town (where the nephew's bride lives,) and one is in France! (Where one of her niece's groom lives.) She is having to go to all three weddings at her own expense, paying for trains, hotels, plane flights, the works...not only for her, but also for her 3 children who are all going too. And her husband of course. She has worked out that attending all three weddings is going to cost over 2.5 grand. :eek::eek::eek:

I have a big family (4 sisters and a bunch of nieces and nephews,) and not one of them have ever expected people to go out of their way to spend 100s of pounds to be at their wedding. If one of them DID have it abroad, it's unlikely I would go. Some people say 'treat it as a mini holiday.' But what if I don't want a mini holiday at that time or at that place? So no!

I must be older than you because when most of friends married they had either a formal afternoon reception or an evening do. The idea of having, in effect, two receptions doesn't go back all that far, IME.

balletshoes

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I appreciate your point Duchy, but I cannot agree with a lot of your post. The problem is - like many have outlined here - it's not that easy to say no (for many.) It would cause waaaaay too much conflict. This is my friend's nephew and 2 nieces.
Her sister and brother will go ape if her and her husband and the 3 kids (the cousins) don't go, but yet they expect my friend and her family to do it all at their own expense.

This is the crux of the problem, and why people get so narked off. Selfish and thoughtless family members who arrange their weddings, expect people to bend over backwards and fork out sometimes 1000s to enable them to attend, and moan and b!tch when they don't.

Like I said, the days of simple, friendly family weddings without bridezillas and groomzillas have gone! I have heard many a horror tale from many people about family getting married, and how it's costing them an arm and a leg to attend!

serious question - why would they get narked if only the couple, or even just auntie, went, instead of the whole family? Its a huge expense, they are not local weddings, so in my opinion, the bride and groom and their parents should fully expect that not all family who are invited will feel able to attend.

My sister and I and our families live 6 hours drive away from where we grew up, and where the majority of my dad's family still live. We are always invited to our cousins weddings, but with the complete understanding that its a long way to come, and it may not be a suitable date (as our schools all have different holidays compared with the Scottish ones). So although we get invited and if we can do, we'll go, we don't feel compelled to bring our kids and husbands if its more convenient that they don't go.

missbiggles1

balletshoes wrote: »

serious question - why would they get narked if only the couple, or even just auntie, went, instead of the whole family? Its a huge expense, they are not local weddings, so in my opinion, the bride and groom and their parents should fully expect that not all family who are invited will feel able to attend.

It isn't even as if cousins are particularly close relatives.

Nicki

It's a thankless task organising a wedding it seems. Guests who don't live right next door the venue think it's a bloody nerve asking them to travel and stay overnight to attend. Though the fuss if they weren't invited I suspect would be even greater. And in the case of the OP daring to suggest that it would be nice if people stayed over the night before and socialised together is also wrong, even though no fuss was made when OP said she and her family would rather not, and even though the rest of the family thought it was a splendid idea and will stay and enjoy it.

I think it IS mean spirited to begrudge a couple inviting people to participate in celebratory events provided no overt pressure is put on you to take part. If you would like to participate but can't afford to, that's a shame but not a reason for others to miss out or a reason not to at least invite you. And if you don't want to participate, just politely decline and let other enjoy it without you, as OP here has done. Bellyaching about 3 relatives getting married in 10 weeks and putting you to expense, or the cheek of people having an americanised rehearsal dinner is selfish and petty IMHO.

fierystormcloud

balletshoes wrote: »

serious question - why would they get narked if only the couple, or even just auntie, went, instead of the whole family? Its a huge expense, they are not local weddings, so in my opinion, the bride and groom and their parents should fully expect that not all family who are invited will feel able to attend.

My sister and I and our families live 6 hours drive away from where we grew up, and where the majority of my dad's family still live. We are always invited to our cousins weddings, but with the complete understanding that its a long way to come, and it may not be a suitable date (as our schools all have different holidays compared with the Scottish ones). So although we get invited and if we can do, we'll go, we don't feel compelled to bring our kids and husbands if its more convenient that they don't go.

As far as I know, the brother and sister are expecting ALL to attend and will be miffed and offended if they don't. Like I said, bridezillas/groomzilla. Also, the bride's - and the groom's parents - are as much to blame.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It isn't even as if cousins are particularly close relatives.

I disagree with that. A cousin is a close relative. It's your aunt or uncle's children, and your parents nieces and nephews. How can you not class that as a close relative? :huh:

I have always been close to my cousins, all 7 of them.

Similarly with all my sisters and nieces and nephews. I couldn't comprehend not going to any of their weddings, and thankfully, so far, none of them have been thoughtless and inconsiderate enough to expect relatives to travel abroad or multiple 100s of miles away at great expense.

We all live not far from each other, and like to have cheap and cheerful get-togethers.

Pollycat

fierystormcloud wrote: »

As far as I know, the brother and sister are expecting ALL to attend and will be miffed and offended if they don't. Like I said, bridezillas/groomzilla. Also, the bride's - and the groom's parents - are as much to blame.

And that's where it's wrong.

An invitation is just that - a request to attend.
It's not a Royal summons.
And anybody - regardless of how close a friend or relative it is - who expects me to attend a wedding (or any other celebratory event) would get short shrift if they got narked, miffed or offended by my polite refusal.

fierystormcloud

Nicki wrote: »

It's a thankless task organising a wedding it seems. Guests who don't live right next door the venue think it's a bloody nerve asking them to travel and stay overnight to attend. Though the fuss if they weren't invited I suspect would be even greater. And in the case of the OP daring to suggest that it would be nice if people stayed over the night before and socialised together is also wrong, even though no fuss was made when OP said she and her family would rather not, and even though the rest of the family thought it was a splendid idea and will stay and enjoy it.

I think it IS mean spirited to begrudge a couple inviting people to participate in celebratory events provided no overt pressure is put on you to take part. If you would like to participate but can't afford to, that's a shame but not a reason for others to miss out or a reason not to at least invite you. And if you don't want to participate, just politely decline and let other enjoy it without you, as OP here has done. Bellyaching about 3 relatives getting married in 10 weeks and putting you to expense, or the cheek of people having an americanised rehearsal dinner is selfish and petty IMHO.

I am very pleased you have a bottomless pit of money. :cool:

Not everyone does.

You sound like my friend's family members actually. The demanding bridezillas, and groomzillas, and their equally demanding parents.

Too many people expect people to fawn over them and their OTT and fancy wedding plans, and then throw their toys out of the pram when they don't.

Unfortunately for some, not everyone's lives revolve around them. :cool:

gettingtheresometime

I appreciate that a bride & groom can have whatever type of wedding they want and I appreciate that as a guest it is rude to moan about those choices.

But at the same time if I chose not to attend because of the cost etc then don't have a hissy fit when I choose not to attend or stay in the same hotel or go to the rehearsal dinner.

Nicki

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I am very pleased you have a bottomless pit of money. :cool:

Not everyone does.

You sound like my friend's family members actually. The demanding bridezillas, and groomzillas, and their equally demanding parents.

Too many people expect people to fawn over them and their OTT and fancy wedding plans, and then throw their toys out of the pram when they don't.

Unfortunately for some, not everyone's lives revolve around them. :cool:

So what is your expectation then? That the cousins should have chosen to space their weddings out to one a year so as not to put your friend to expense? Or that the wedding should not take place in the bride's home town because it is too far away from where your friend lives, even if it is close to where the brides family and friends live? It's unfortunate if your friend can't afford to attend but if she can't surely it is better that she declined rather than that the cousins delay their weddings or change the location of the weddings to suit one aunt. That is guestzilla not bridezilla.

(I had a tiny wedding nearly 30 years ago so have no axe to grind here from my perspective but your friends gripes are selfish and unreasonable. It's not all about her, or about her at all. She is an aunt and one of many guests not a parent or sibling or part of the bridal party!)

missbiggles1

fierystormcloud wrote: »

As far as I know, the brother and sister are expecting ALL to attend and will be miffed and offended if they don't. Like I said, bridezillas/groomzilla. Also, the bride's - and the groom's parents - are as much to blame.



I disagree with that. A cousin is a close relative. It's your aunt or uncle's children, and your parents nieces and nephews. How can you not class that as a close relative? :huh:

I have always been close to my cousins, all 7 of them.

Similarly with all my sisters and nieces and nephews. I couldn't comprehend not going to any of their weddings, and thankfully, so far, none of them have been thoughtless and inconsiderate enough to expect relatives to travel abroad or multiple 100s of miles away at great expense.

We all live not far from each other, and like to have cheap and cheerful get-togethers.

Like many people I know, personally, I couldn't even tell you how many cousins I have, much less put names to more than half a dozen. I certainly wouldn't recognise any of them if I tripped over them!

Fortunately most of my parents' brothers and sisters (can't name all of them either) moved away from their home area for work in the Depression and only kept in touch (Christmas cards apart) with the couple of them they actually liked.