Are we being mean ?

missbiggles1

onlyroz wrote: »

I faced enormous pressure from my mum to have the sort of wedding that she thought I should have. She seemed to think that I should have absorbed knowledge of wedding traditions via some sort of osmosis in the womb. For example, it was news to me that the bride was expected to marry from her home town, and to invite whoever her mother said she must invite. In the end I did things my way and she spent the whole day looking like she was sucking on a lemon.

Actually, although you were absolutely right to do it your way, your mother did have custom on her side from the days when you had to marry in your parish church (usually the bride's) or the local registry office and the bride's parents paid for the wedding, were the actual hosts and so had the last word on invitations.

I hope she didn't spoil your day for you (I'm sure she didn't:)) but it's always worth looking at where people are coming from and understanding their attitudes. Things can get tricky when customs change and people are doing things to different tunes.

onlyroz

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Actually, although you were absolutely right to do it your way, your mother did have custom on her side from the days when you had to marry in your parish church (usually the bride's) or the local registry office and the bride's parents paid for the wedding, were the actual hosts and so had the last word on invitations.

I hope she didn't spoil your day for you (I'm sure she didn't:)) but it's always worth looking at where people are coming from and understanding their attitudes. Things can get tricky when customs change and people are doing things to different tunes.

Well as she wasn't paying for the wedding and as I lived over 200 miles from my home town (as did 90% of the guests) we decided to do things our way. Bizarrely, she wouldn't have had a problem with me marrying abroad, but had a major problem with me marrying in the place I'd been living for over four years. She didn't spoil the day but it did dampen the mood.

missbiggles1

onlyroz wrote: »

Well as she wasn't paying for the wedding and as I lived over 200 miles from my home town (as did 90% of the guests) we decided to do things our way. Bizarrely, she wouldn't have had a problem with me marrying abroad, but had a major problem with me marrying in the place I'd been living for over four years. She didn't spoil the day but it did dampen the mood.

I'm sure she cheered up when she realised the money she'd saved.:)

We had a small wedding of a couple of dozen people which was dampened by my husband's cousin who was angry that we didn't invite her 6 week old granddaughter to our wedding and hardly spoke to me thoughout the meal.

It took her years to forgive me but I doubt that I've forgiven her for her behaviour to this day.:o

duchy

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Do you think so?

I think that there have always been a number of people who flew against the general trend of the time (as I did and I think you plan to) but my occasional wanderings round the Marriage Board give me the impression that they're far more of a muchness than they ever used to be, right down to the style of wedding dress.

In addition, quite genuine traditions seem to have been replaced by customs that have crept in from the States over the last 30 years which are now honoured with the name of tradition. Unfortunately, many of these (as you might expect from US customs) are heavily commercialised and simply result in even more expense.

It's a shame if anybody who questions this level of conspicuous consumption should be accused of being jealous or mean spirited as has happened on this thread.

I've been to some incredibly lavish weddings and thought the couple and their families were nuts to spend so much on one day-but I wouldn't dream of voicing those thoughts to anyone except my OH. It's their day and their money. I'm not the one picking up the bill and I'm sure they think some of the things I spend MY money on are equally ridiculous

I'm old enough to remember when you had no choice -marriage was either a church in the parish the bride or groom lived in (amazing how many people changed address to a friend or family member's who just happened to have a gorgeous church in it tho) or the local registry office.

I also remember rocking up for work the day after the Holiday programme on BBC1 showed an item on the new idea of weddings abroad (this was early 80s I think) - to find a bride to be and her Mum camped on the travel agency doorstep. They were sick of the family rows attached to the forthcoming wedding and the Mum had offered the bride and groom the cash that was earmarked for the wedding instead if they got married abroad instead. They booked there and then

I think big society weddings over here tended to have the night before family dinner -just that in the US it tended to be more common with normal weddings- which considering the size of the US and that family often travel further to attend weddings so would be there the night before anyway. Maybe it's more a symptom of the fact that families are more far flung nowadays rather than an imported tradition ? If I was having a big family wedding (which you're right I'm not -we're hopping off abroad with no expectation of family joining us) then I'd be inviting close family from Russia, Australia, USA and Ireland -so extending hoispitality to them for the wedding eve as well as the wedding day would make some sense. Most people don't live in the same town or area as all their family anymore after all.

I don't agree all wedding dresses are the same though - the veil and train and lots of bling and always white or cream is popular but so are tea length dresses , fifties style and even short wedding dresses

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

What tradition ?
The only tradition I can think of is spending the night before the wedding apart and not seeing each other until the ceremony on the day.
That said there's also a tradition of brides been virgins until their wedding night- are you wondering what happened to that too ?

Times change and so do traditions.
The close family dinner on the eve of the wedding has migrated to over here- and many people find it appealing especially if it's a big wedding with lots of guests on the day itself.

Thankfully we are far more flexible about weddings now and people aren't hidebound by tradition but can choose the type of wedding they want.

Frankly though- even when there was less choice most brides had someone in the family who would find something to moan about though !

I agree that the wedding couple have more choice, and so they should. But it seems to e that guests have to fit into particular boxes. Do buy this, don't get that, fly to another country, stay for two nights, wear this, wear that. Of course people may decline, and I think the more people pour their own decision to be lavish at the guests expense, the more will decline, or at the very least, will feel a bit uneasy. I would like to think that my choice of wedding encompassed what would feel most comfortable for the guests, after all, isn't that what they are there for?

By all means have lavishness, or not. But don't expect guests to pay for it.

duchy

I'm not so sure I agree
I think there can be a sense of entitlement from family guests that they have the right to complain and moan if the arrangements aren't exactly as they would have done it themselves but I think even when wedding etiquette was more narrow it happened then too.

I do agree that some couples forget they have "guests" and their responsibility as hosts is to offer them hospitality and it isn't all about the couple and to heck with anyone else. That said just because a wedding is "different" doesn't mean it might not be very enjoyable and some people could open their minds to that possibility sometimes !

Pollycat

Jagraf wrote: »

I agree that the wedding couple have more choice, and so they should. But it seems to e that guests have to fit into particular boxes. Do buy this, don't get that, fly to another country, stay for two nights, wear this, wear that. Of course people may decline, and I think the more people pour their own decision to be lavish at the guests expense, the more will decline, or at the very least, will feel a bit uneasy. I would like to think that my choice of wedding encompassed what would feel most comfortable for the guests, after all, isn't that what they are there for?

By all means have lavishness, or not. But don't expect guests to pay for it.

I agree with every word of the above post.

fierystormcloud

Jagraf wrote: »

I agree that the wedding couple have more choice, and so they should. But it seems to e that guests have to fit into particular boxes. Do buy this, don't get that, fly to another country, stay for two nights, wear this, wear that. Of course people may decline, and I think the more people pour their own decision to be lavish at the guests expense, the more will decline, or at the very least, will feel a bit uneasy. I would like to think that my choice of wedding encompassed what would feel most comfortable for the guests, after all, isn't that what they are there for?

By all means have lavishness, or not. But don't expect guests to pay for it.

Pollycat wrote: »

I agree with every word of the above post.

Me too! Too many bridezillas and groomzillas expecting people to bend over backwards to do what THEY want. What happened to the days when people just turned up at the wedding, and went to the wedding reception after, and then the 'night do' on the night-time? All these fancy themed weddings, some multiple 100s of miles away, some abroad, (even hen and stag nights abroad in some cases!) and the couple wanting people to stay overnight at their own expense.

A good friend of mine is currently massively stressed out, as one of her nephews and two of her nieces are getting married, within 10 weeks of one another. One of the weddings is 300 miles from their home town (where the nephew's bride lives,) and one is in France! (Where one of her niece's groom lives.) She is having to go to all three weddings at her own expense, paying for trains, hotels, plane flights, the works...not only for her, but also for her 3 children who are all going too. And her husband of course. She has worked out that attending all three weddings is going to cost over 2.5 grand. :eek::eek::eek:

I have a big family (4 sisters and a bunch of nieces and nephews,) and not one of them have ever expected people to go out of their way to spend 100s of pounds to be at their wedding. If one of them DID have it abroad, it's unlikely I would go. Some people say 'treat it as a mini holiday.' But what if I don't want a mini holiday at that time or at that place? So no!

duchy

fierystormcloud wrote: »

A good friend of mine is currently massively stressed out, as one of her nephews and two of her nieces are getting married, within 10 weeks of one another. One of the weddings is 300 miles from their home town (where the nephew's bride lives,) and one is in France! (Where one of her niece's groom lives.) She is having to go to all three weddings at her own expense, paying for trains, hotels, plane flights, the works...not only for her, but also for her 3 children who are all going too. And her husband of course. She has worked out that attending all three weddings is going to cost over 2.5 grand. :eek::eek::eek:

!

She could have said no .......or have gone with just her husband.

No-one is holding a gun to her head -she's a grown up and to agree to something that is making her mega stressed (you don't say why it's not like she's exiting civilization after all If it's just about the money - then she shouldn't have accepted if she couldn't afford it)

I don't understand people like your friend who complain about things they had the power to say no to but didn't.

I think it's rather rude to accept an invitation from a couple to share their wedding day and then moan about it . No-one is forcing you to accept their hospitality and they are feeding you . If you don't want to pay for your transportation etc(she's only an aunt - did she seriously expect them to pay the transport and hotel costs for all extended family ?) or go away in the summertime and make it a holiday rather than a chore - then just decline the invitation. Most brides and grooms have a back up list of friends they are happy to upgrade anyway if people they feel they have to invite decline.

fierystormcloud

duchy wrote: »

She could have said no .......or have gone with just her husband.

No-one is holding a gun to her head -she's a grown up and to agree to something that is making her mega stressed (you don't say why it's not like she's exiting civilization after all If it's just about the money - then she shouldn't have accepted if she couldn't afford it)

I don't understand people like your friend who complain about things they had the power to say no to but didn't.

I think it's rather rude to accept an invitation from a couple to share their wedding day and then moan about it . No-one is forcing you to accept their hospitality and they are feeding you . If you don't want to pay for your transportation etc(she's only an aunt - did she seriously expect them to pay the transport and hotel costs for all extended family ?) or go away in the summertime and make it a holiday rather than a chore - then just decline the invitation. Most brides and grooms have a back up list of friends they are happy to upgrade anyway if people they feel they have to invite decline.

I appreciate your point Duchy, but I cannot agree with a lot of your post. The problem is - like many have outlined here - it's not that easy to say no (for many.) It would cause waaaaay too much conflict. This is my friend's nephew and 2 nieces. Her sister and brother will go ape if her and her husband and the 3 kids (the cousins) don't go, but yet they expect my friend and her family to do it all at their own expense.

This is the crux of the problem, and why people get so narked off. Selfish and thoughtless family members who arrange their weddings, expect people to bend over backwards and fork out sometimes 1000s to enable them to attend, and moan and b!tch when they don't.

Like I said, the days of simple, friendly family weddings without bridezillas and groomzillas have gone! I have heard many a horror tale from many people about family getting married, and how it's costing them an arm and a leg to attend!