Issue re friend. LONG RANT

KxMx

She is a user. Only wants a friendship on her terms.

Ignore her when she texts, even if she is the one to text first most of the time. I doubt she wants to know how you are, more like she wants something off you or some info about your life.

Use the frustration you feel now to be strong and cut back ties in the future, remember how bad she makes you feel when you are tempted back.

I can appreciate ignoring someone goes against what you feel is polite... but sometimes you have to be cruel, sometimes you have to hurt someone to save your own sanity, and there is nothing wrong with that!

FatVonD

*max* wrote: »

No, she isn't. She is only interested in the bits that make good juicy gossip. She has no interest in your family, your health or anything else that does not make for entertaining conversation down the pub.

Or maybe she's only interested in the bits that are actually interesting. I too would have no interest whatsoever in somebody (who is just an aquaintance) else's health or family that I didn't know, I might show an interest face to face but there's no way I'd be texting to enquire about it.

I would however be more inclined to be interested (face to face) in their holiday to NY. Actually I wouldn't really be interested in that either as I have no desire to ever go there but I would ask about it because it would be a nice thing to do if the OP was excited about it and because it might make them happy to talk about it

Mrshaworth2b

For such a moany post I don't really understand what it is your getting out of it?

Your last thread was that she is too nosy, now it's that she doesn't acknowledge things that you text if it isn't what she wants to hear. And here you are saying she wants everything on her terms.

I think you need to have a look in the mirror, you only want a casual friendship, meeting every 5 weeks or so, at these meetings you want her to take interest in this that and the other but there are certain topics not to be discussed.

She may well live near you and you may well see her in a lot of circles but god you sound like you really dislike the woman.

savingqueen

It sounds to me like you don't mind spending a short amount of time every few weeks with these friends but no more. The other party would like to spend more time with you which is a compliment but not a reason to do so. You have different ways of doing things and if you all wanted to stay friends you would meet each other half ways. I don't think either side is doing that. We have friends who like to go visiting different friends and relatives on a weekend often without notice. We never do that ourselves but recognise that our friends like to. We either say no we are out/busy for a genuine reason, ditto because we don't fancy it or yes that's fine (and maybe give us a half hour or whatever). We don't ask to visit them unless its one of their birthdays and they are free. We do these things because we want to, because we are friends. if we say no then our friends accept that and say that's fine and give us no reason to think otherwise.

I think your friend is lonely. That is not the reason to stay friends with her or spend more time than you are comfortable with but might explain some things. We have very poor relationships with both sides of our family and I do find it hard at times to listen to long recounts of all the various family news, get togethers etc from other friends. Sometimes I just grin and bear it, sometimes its ok and I can feel what I would like to feel - genuine interest in a friend's life and family and sometimes I feel like crying and will try to turn the subject around at an appropriate time and hope my friend understands why.

Whatever you decide, try and do it with as much feeling for the other person as possible whilst doing what is right for you. Not easy but doable. Having all these texts and non texts and crossed wires is doing no good for any of you.

Wishing you well

jaylee3

OMG this woman sounds like a self-centred, self obsessed narcissistic nightmare. I have met this me me me kind of person before, and they just make me miserable.

Regarding the texting, I would say that if I messaged someone saying 'can you meet up later today,' and they say 'no, can't, bit busy sorry.' I would text back 'ok maybe another time.' I wouldn't just not respond like her; I would 'conclude' the conversation, but then again not everyone is the same. And maybe she is not responding because you are not suggesting another time. As you said if you are not saying what she wants to hear, then she will take it as a snub, as she sounds like someone who thinks you should bend over backwards for her.

And I agree with the posters who are saying that people have different views of what is a reasonable amount of time before texting back. I for instance message my good friend back as soon as I get the text, but she will sometimes take 24 hours to respond back to the text I send to her (which sometimes is only 5 minutes after she has texted me! ) I sometimes think 'did she turn off her phone for the day when she texted me?!' LOL. But this friend is very dear to me, we swap presents, we go on day trips, and we go back years, and we get on very well. So I am prepared to let this go.

This 'friend' of yours however, sounds awful. You deserve better than this. As some have said, why are you even bothering to maintain contact? I don't understand why you sent that text yesterday. :huh: Out of politeness you say, but to heck with politeness, the woman is rude, obnoxious,, self centred, and selfish. I agree with the poster who said she has zero interest in you; all she wants to do is find out juicy gossip, and use you for companionship in the pub so her and her man don't look like saddoes going alone. (She probably thinks they do!)

She is probably wondering why you haven't gone to New York yet, because she is fishing to see if it's because you can't afford it, so she can go tell people. Your last thread said she was asking why you work part time, and that she was sniffing around to find out how you can afford to.

I also think that this woman is lonely, but as the poster above said: that is no reason for you to stay friends with her; I mean you sound massively irritated by her. You seriously need to stop contact. Did she text back yet by the way? You need to keep saying no to her wanting to come around and no to them asking you, to theirs, so you are not beholden.

I have known a few people like her; only get in touch when it suits them, only want to talk about themselves, only want to hear about you if it's juicy gossip, and have no interest in any exciting things you are doing, or anything you are doing with other people (eg; family or other friends,) because they are jealous. They are jealous of you having fun without them, and jealous of you doing stuff with other people, when they have not been included. And these kind of people usually only get in touch when they have something to brag or gloat about. These kind of people do not stay in my life for long; selfish, self centred, boring people.

I can only re-iterate what others have said: back off, stop texting, maybe take 2 days to text her back if you MUST text her, and play her at her own game: don't respond to anything she says about what she has been doing. This is not a healthy friendship/ relationship.

I have to ask; has it always been like this, for the 2 years you have known her?

*max*

FatVonD wrote: »

Or maybe she's only interested in the bits that are actually interesting. I too would have no interest whatsoever in somebody (who is just an aquaintance) else's health or family that I didn't know, I might show an interest face to face but there's no way I'd be texting to enquire about it.

I would however be more inclined to be interested (face to face) in their holiday to NY. Actually I wouldn't really be interested in that either as I have no desire to ever go there but I would ask about it because it would be a nice thing to do if the OP was excited about it and because it might make them happy to talk about it

Oh definitely, me neither. But since OP calls her a friend, I think she expects her to care about those things, rightly or wrongly. And she doesn't, which is why she's not a friend but an acquaintance.

jaylee3

*max* wrote: »

Oh definitely, me neither. But since OP calls her a friend, I think she expects her to care about those things, rightly or wrongly. And she doesn't, which is why she's not a friend but an acquaintance.

I agree with you. It seems to me however, that this woman wants the OP to treat HER like a friend, but is treating the OP like an acquaintance in return. She wants to turn up at the OP's house at a moment's notice and be entertained, and go to the pub with them, and whitter on and on about the problems with her job, and expects to be heard, and listened to.

But when the OP talks about what she has been doing in her life, or if she has been doing things with another friend, or her niece, or her brother in law, this woman blanks her, because what went on did not include her. She only wants to listen if she is the centre of the conversation. And this is why she only texts back immediately, if what has been said in the text suits her. My guess is that if it's a 'no' to a request to come around, she 'punishes' the OP by not responding to the text saying 'no sorry' and waits for the OP to get in touch next. It's like a virtual flounce.

I have met her type before. She is a user, and she is self centred, and she will not change. That is why the OP needs to give her a wide berth, and start treating her in the same manner that her 'friend' is treating her.

I am guessing that this woman was OK to start with, and her behaviour has manifested into self centred narcissistic behaviour over time. The OP probably doesn't hate or even dislike the woman really, she has just grown weary of her, and her behaviour. I have had several friends in the past who were Ok for a short while, say, 6 months or a year, and then I went off them. Sometimes, you can go off people.

This friendship sounds like it's gone past its sell-by date.

pebbles88

fierystormcloud wrote: »

The point is, she never answers me unless it's something SHE wants to hear.

Just cut contact! You don't like her, regardless of whether she's in the same village or whatever nonsense you seem compelled to keep her around. Just let it fizzle out & be happy.

fierystormcloud

pebbles88 wrote: »

Just cut contact! You don't like her, regardless of whether she's in the same village or whatever nonsense you seem compelled to keep her around. Just let it fizzle out & be happy.

Thank you. And thanks to everyone who has said similar things. You have all been very kind of this thread; even the more slightly sharp remarks!

jaylee3 wrote: »

I agree with you. It seems to me however, that this woman wants the OP to treat HER like a friend, but is treating the OP like an acquaintance in return. She wants to turn up at the OP's house at a moment's notice and be entertained, and go to the pub with them, and whitter on and on about the problems with her job, and expects to be heard, and listened to.

But when the OP talks about what she has been doing in her life, or if she has been doing things with another friend, or her niece, or her brother in law, this woman blanks her, because what went on did not include her.

I have met her type before. She is a user, and she is self centred, and she will not change. That is why the OP needs to give her a wide berth, and start treating her in the same manner that her 'friend' is treating her.

I am guessing that this woman was OK to start with, and her behaviour has manifested into self centred narcissistic behaviour over time. The OP probably doesn't hate or even dislike the woman really, she has just grown weary of her, and her behaviour. I have had several friends in the past who were Ok for a short while, say, 6 months or a year, and then I went off them. Sometimes, you can go off people.

This friendship sounds like it's gone past its sell-by date.

Spot on. She WAS pretty OK to start with. She didn't seem to be so rude in not listening so much to me and carping on about herself. And yes you are right, you CAN go off people. And I have gone off her quite a bit. Despite what a few people have said though, I don't hate her, and some of the time, (about 30%; ) she is OK, and me and my OH have had some OK nights with them at the pub.

But I think I am doing wrong encouraging her by texting too often, as she seems to get a message that we are 'bezzies' when to me, I would rather be pub acquaintances, and see her at the social gatherings occasionally. I want to stay on friendly terms, but don't want her to think she can just call on me whenever she likes and come in my house.

Her behaviour can be odd: I mean late last year she knew it was my OH's birthday the following week, and she said 'we won't forget that!' and they did. Then when we saw them at the pub 2 weeks later, she said 'buy *** a drink, for his birthday, seeing as we forgot it.'

And they bought us both a drink...but they waited until it was THEIR round! :rotfl: So it was their turn anyway. LOL you couldn't make it up. Then THEIR birthdays were a few weeks later (close together) and she didn't stop mentioning it. Needless to say we did NOT get them a card.

She has now texted me, (at 8pm) but I am probably not going to text back, as all she said was 'been out all day with friends, catch ya soon.' She didn't even ask how I am! (I told her in my text that I was a bit poorly with a cold.)

So I think you're right, that she expects to be treated like a friend by ME, but treats me like an acquaintance. So I am going to take the advice of many here, and keep her at arm's length, and yes, treat her as she treats me.

savingqueen wrote: »

It sounds to me like you don't mind spending a short amount of time every few weeks with these friends but no more. The other party would like to spend more time with you which is a compliment but not a reason to do so.

I think your friend is lonely. That is not the reason to stay friends with her or spend more time than you are comfortable with but might explain some things.

Whatever you decide, try and do it with as much feeling for the other person as possible whilst doing what is right for you. Not easy but doable. Having all these texts and non texts and crossed wires is doing no good for any of you.

Wishing you well

Thank you!

Thanks to you all. :beer:

Kynthia

The text she responds to are texts that you've asked a question. I can be a bit like that, not always texting back someone just to acknowledge they'd texted me. I'm not sure this would bother you much I'd you liked her so it's probably best to let your 'friendship' fizzle out.