Here we can all be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Earlier I was discussing with my teacher friend about regrets and how ones perception of the past changes when one has been years away from it. It got me thinking about the time I spent in a children's home. It was a home specifically for children with problem behaviours. I didn't really fit in because my problems which were severe anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder and self-harm didn't really match with those children who were there mostly because they couldn't be controlled due to extreme anger and disruptive behaviour. They couldn't place me in a an 'ordinary' children's home, however as the staff weren't qualified to to deal with someone with mental health problems.

Without a doubt I was the goody-goody two shoes in the home and not very popular with the other children. They used to do things like buy eggs and throw them at people walking past on the street, physically hit the carers and smash up their rooms. I was terrified the whole time, not only did I have no social skills with other children whatsoever, I was used to being a carer for my mother and therefore very adult in my outlook and wouldn't dream of disrespecting anyone else. I spent my time with a young boy with autism and we became very good friends, so much so that the carers asked if I had ever considered working in that field when I was adult because it came so naturally to me. I remembered that they had said that, it was ultimately the career I chose and they were correct-I loved the job. If I hadn't spent time with that little boy I may have never chosen that profession.

Looking back now though, I no longer see the other children in the home as disruptive and scary. They, just like me were so unhappy. Their home lives had been terrible and a lot of the time their anger and lack of respect was misplaced, but it was also justified after their experiences with their own families. As weird as this sounds this is the first time I have been able to look back at those memories and not cringe at how I was the odd child out and feel upset about how much they bullied me. We were all suffering and struggling with our own burdens and I now understand why they lashed out so much, just as I understand why I had the many different type of behaviours that make me look back and cringe. We weren't so different at all and that gives me a sense of peace. I hope that all found their way through and went on to have happy lives.

This is what happens when I get up at silly o'clock and have no distractions. I start thinking!

Pyxis

And very good thinking it is too, WaS! :T

codemonkey

Birdie I am picturing you with a group of smug breastfeedy mums looking on in horror at your heathen baby while his head spins round and his eyes glow red and he uses his demonic baby powers to turn breastmilk into vodka. Actually, that would make a great movie.

Can I come to Tennesse too? That sounds like great fun. I've always wanted to spend more time in the States - only really been to Seattle, and I'd love to go back to Canada too. Oh, and Central and South America. We could go to Brazil so I could practice my Portuguese. I'm sure the only phrase I remember would be really useful. I only really know Eu não sao uma tartaruga (I am not a turtle). Sadly, DH's first experience of flying was Ryanscare and they hit turbulence and I only managed to persuade him on short haul flights a few years ago so long haul is something we're slowly building up to.

codemonkey

WaS - I think you are so brave. It's not everyone who can live through everything you have and come out the other end, let alone coming out wanting to help people and make the world a better place.

Birdie85

Pyxis wrote: »

A present for Birdie! :rotfl:

:rotfl::rotfl: I love it! Even better... my in-laws are very good Christians and take him to Church once a month, could you imagine the horror if he turned up wearing that! :rotfl:

codemonkey wrote: »

Birdie I am picturing you with a group of smug breastfeedy mums looking on in horror at your heathen baby while his head spins round and his eyes glow red and he uses his demonic baby powers to turn breastmilk into vodka. Actually, that would make a great movie.

Err... that's actually what happened fo'sho! They'd all be there with their boobs out talking about how breast is best but they were oh so tired and couldn't leave baby for more than 2 hours and they couldn't drink etc and I'd be there with a bottle talking about the wine I'd had the night before whilst I went out for a few hours without having a baby attached to me - the horror! Not slating BFers at all because it's blimmin' hard work but you have to take your victories where you can!

codemonkey wrote: »

Can I come to Tennesse too? That sounds like great fun. I've always wanted to spend more time in the States - only really been to Seattle, and I'd love to go back to Canada too. Oh, and Central and South America. We could go to Brazil so I could practice my Portuguese. I'm sure the only phrase I remember would be really useful. I only really know Eu não sao uma tartaruga (I am not a turtle). Sadly, DH's first experience of flying was Ryanscare and they hit turbulence and I only managed to persuade him on short haul flights a few years ago so long haul is something we're slowly building up to.

Right, group outing to Tennessee it is! I accidentally turned my DH into a Florida-holic so every time a trip to the States is mentioned he's like 'Well...we could go somewhere new... but we should just go back to Florida because it's awesome!'. Maybe I'll be able to add a few days to the beginning/end of our holidays there to sneak in trips elsewhere!

That's really good head clearing WaS; glad you've come to peace with that period in your life.

whitewing

WaS,

I agree that it was very good, healing thinking.

Does Bubbly Bulldozer know all your history in detail? I wonder if there is any mileage in knowing how someone in today's world presenting with the same symptoms/circumstances would be treated by social services. Whether, for example, there may be specialised foster carers who may take on a placement.

I guess a lot would be depend on who is actually available at any one time.

I am thinking it may help you to know if the world has moved on even marginally from your initial experiences. And, if they don't know, it could be reassuring that yours was such an isolated circumstance that may have been picked up sooner today.

This may be something too painful for you to explore so don't mull over it for any length of time.

I am very excited because I have been accepted onto an autism/Asperger research project that I really wanted to do.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I am really happy for you, whitewing!

That is a very interesting thought and something I would like to find out. My psychotherapist admitted to me during one of my stays when I was 15 that they didn't know quite where to place me. At that time there wasn't any care homes specifically for children with mental health problems resulting in withdrawal and self-harm, everything was lumped under problem behaviours. I honestly felt I had gone out of the frying pan into the fire and spent a lot of time curled up in the corner of my bed listening to other children smash up their rooms and scream at the carers. It was actually worse for me than being at home because at least that was familiar.

It would actually help me to find out if it is now catered for, if not it really should be. As you say Whitewing, I would also hope that these days there would be foster parents that are willing to take care of children like I was, I was told at the time that I could stay in the home for as long as I wished but I would not be fostered. I would have loved to have been moved in with a family.

Really, if the home had been more suitable to my needs I would have been out of my family situation much earlier and had two years less of abuse. I was given the choice at 14 to stay in care or return home with lots of support, they would go along with whatever I wished. I chose to return home because the prospect of living there for the next 2 years minimum terrified me, even though the carers in the home pleaded with me to stay in care. It made me even more unpopular with the other children that the staff all liked me, while everyone was fighting I was quietly washing the dishes after dinner and keeping the little boy away from being hurt. I remember that one quite strict staff member who most of the children hated cried when she saw how I had self-harmed, they were used to problem behaviours but not my type of problems. Everyone was a bit out of their depth because depression and suicide thoughts in a child just wasn't something that anyone seemed to be trained to deal with.

The reason I was actually given a choice to stay or go was because everyone involved in my case at the time knew that the care home was a pretty bad place for my mental stability, but then again so was being at home with my mother. There wasn't a good alternative to offer me so they went with what I wanted. We settled for periods of respite in the home for the next two years. Amazingly my keyworker turned out to be an ex-colleague of my teacher friends wife so she knew me very well in the end from both the official records and talking to my teacher friend, too. I would like to think it it is easier for children in my circumstance today.

I think I may ask my bubbly bulldozer if she knows if more help is now available..

codemonkey

Oops. Just went to get my prescription and I had to wait and the only place to pass time is the supermarket and I don't know what happened but a bag of kettle chips jumped into my basket.

whitewing

Very kind of you to buy your DP a small present, code.

Waves_and_Smiles

That made me giggle, Whitewing. I was hoping Code had bought them for me! My only food intake in the last 48 hours has been 3 cups of soup, 4 bananas and a whole packet of Dutch biscuits. Oh, and a small bag of Dorito's. This really isn't good enough and I must stay awake long enough for an actual meal today.

Incidentally, don't eat 4 bananas one after the other in the place of a meal. Your stomach won't like it. Ow.