Can't cope

splishsplash

OP You sound very isolated to me. You're locked in with two smallies for most of the time, no wonder you're going stir crazy.

I think it's worth remembering a couple things that may have been forgotten:

You love your children - that much is very obvious from your posts.

You want the best for them - clearly you see the gap between what they need and what you can give.

You are aware that you are not yourself - shouting, being cranky and crying, unhappy.

Your children are living their childhoods now and making memories - you are worrying about what memories they will carry forwards with them.


Your OH cannot help more than he is and your PIL cannot help more than they do, therefore, the solution must come from elsewhere.

What are your options? Your aims are to make sure

Your children feel loved

Your children get what they need

Your children make happy memories

You are in a place where you can enjoy your children and your life.


I think you need a network of support that you can build on. The friend who visited sounds like she put more pressure on you and didn't help you at all. Don't invite her again until you've sorted out your head. Find others who can help support you either practically or emotionally. Ask your HV for info re Meet A Mom or Meet a Parent or whatever peer support schemes are in your area and go along to them. Find a good creche/babysitter you can trust your baby with and go for a coffee/haircut/walk every day. You need to be with other grown ups and focus on yourself for a bit.

Your visits to your GP are confidential. No-one will know why you're going. Your GP deals with mothers feeling the strain of minding young children every day - this is a very common problem. If you had an infection you wouldn't think twice about getting antibiotics, would you? What's so different about getting help for this very real problem.

The thing that makes it important for you to go to your GP and start building a network for yourself is your comment in the OP - you are afraid you might lose it with the baby. In your heart and soul you know you really don't want to feel like that about your baby. Get help.

Lunar_Eclipse

I've had a couple more thoughts caus I honestly could have written your post all those years ago.

I didn't go and see the GP; I also wouldn't admit how I was feeling. I'm not sure I'd make the same decision again, although things did get better.

I borrowed an indoor swing for DD2 which was a lifesaver, especially in the evenings when everyone is tired. I wasn't keen on it, but she loved it and it worked. Could this work for you? It would allow you to put baby in it a few times a day to firstly give you a break, but also give you pockets of time with your toddler, to read a book, play a game etc. Seriously worth considering. You could plan these times with your toddler; try to get him on your side, so it's you & him plus the baby, not you plus the two of them.

Also, from what you've said and my reflux screaming baby, baby is best fed as upright as possible, to minimise discomfort & vomiting, and build up feeds slowly. This is easier with bottle feeding, we had some laughable feeding positions going! And then kept upright after feeding, in a chair/sling as opposed to lying down on a playmat. Screaming hit its high at 5-6 weeks from memory, not sure how old yours is.

Try to give your toddler a wide birth in terms of being told off.

Also try to be kind to your husband. Like you, he is doing the best he can. We have 17 months between our two and I look back on photos of my husband during the first year with both of them, up at 5.15am for work so he could be home before bedtime, and he looks so white and very thin! It's hard for both of you.

I hope this all comes across in the right way. I'm trying to be helpful caus I can completely relate. I can remember these difficult times like they were yesterday, but they are actually long gone so hang in there: it's all just a phase and this too will pass. Hugs. xxx

Lunar_Eclipse

And try to make it to the odd NCT coffee morning if you can.

Everyone loves the person who is honest about finding it all a bit much. You will find a friend or a few friends and have some laughs together which will help.

I also found it easier to be out and about than at home all day. More tiring, but kids behaved better. On baby only days, you might find she's happy being pushed about in a pram for hours on end: mine was, when all she'd do at home was fuss and cry. And not sleep! By the way, as a teenager, she now sleeps for Britain; never got 12 hours from her as a baby!...

j.e.j.

CannotCope wrote: »

There have been a couple of posts that have said something like 'I chose to have 2 close together' and 'how did people cope years ago with larger families.' I'm well aware of my failings, I know I'm letting my children down. I don't deliberately wake up each morning wanting to shout and be angry all day. I'm abmum of 2 who's struggling to adjust, is overwhelmed and struggling. I wish more than anything I could make my children happy.

Yes one of them was mine. You can admit on here how you're feeling, no-one knows you so you don't need to worry about looking silly or weak.

As far as letting your children down goes, your newborn won't remember anything, don't worry. Just try not to take it out on your toddler.

How about you make a few changes so that you are less overwhelmed? Can you get a cleaner in, for example? That would be a big weight off your mind. And maybe spending more time in the company of other adults, so you can at least switch off and just be you for a while (as opposed to "the childrens mummy"). These 2 things might give you that psychological breather you need.

We're all human, we all have our needs, - even mums Take care of yourself and you'll be able to take care of others.

Bangton

I went to the GP as I suffered with post natal anxiety. Like you I massively stressed over my babies feeding and wellbeing. It literally consumed my full day. I'd dread every feed because he was always sick. He used to moan in the night and we'd be up hour after hour trying to soothe his apparent discomfort. I'd cry every night. I just found it so stressful and I believed my son would get really poorly and that everyone was ignoring me. My son is my first child but had I had another I would have found it hard to focus. I couldn't focus on anything but the issues with feeding.

My partner pretty much forced me to the docs. I never go to the doctors if I can help it. Hand on heart it really helped. Firstly she suggested getting to baby/toddler groups and meeting other mums. I actually posted on net mums to meet other mums in my area and met up with a group of six very honest mums. It was a revelation!

I was referred for cbt but by the time I was referred I felt much better for having regular mums to meet. I also went to nct groups. Plenty of mums had two children there. My son slowly fed better and things just became easier.

Could it be that the anxiety of your daughter not feeding is causing the biggest stress and making it hard to focus on your son?

Going to the gp is a personal choice but I saw a lady doctor who had two children and was extremely lovely. I was offered anti d's but rejected them and I'm glad I did as I genuinely don't believe I needed them.

I know lots of people have children close together but I also know it's not for me. I commend anyone who does and have complete awe for how they cope. I adore being a mum but today for example I've been headbutted, slapped, puked on, heard my 20 month old say no around a 100 times and I was glad to put him to bed. He doesn't sleep through, only has about 5 times in his life and at times I have those moments where every other child sleeps and it's my failings. Then I realise all I have done is try to be there for him always so I might be failing in that respect but is only through love!

esmy

CannotCope wrote: »

I'm going to hold off going to the doctors for the time being, I find it so hard to admit I'm struggling and i don't find it easy to let people in or confide in them, even my OH. I'm hoping against hope I can be better at everything and anything.

I believe I had PND after the birth of my elsest child...I say 'believe', I know that I did, but not because I was diagnosed by a doctor and treated. Like you I find it very hard to admit to struggling with anything, let alone mothering,and my one feeble attempt to talk to the GP at my 6 week check up about how I felt was not nearly enough to alert anyone to what was really going on. Only with the benefit of hindsight did I grasp how ill I had been.

Not seeking help at the time is the only thing in my life that I regret because I spent a long time truly desperate and it did affect my relationship with my child. When I was pregnant with my second, I made my partner promise that he would get the doctor if I was showing any sign of depression. I was lucky and it didn't come back.

I am not saying that you are suffering from PND - you sound stressed and overwhelmed with it all. But please, don't make the same mistake I did and not seek help, from your OH, from relatives, friends, HV, anyone.

I wish you well.