Can't cope

CannotCope

I'm a long time poster and lurker but have a new username so I'm not identified, please delete if not appropriate but I feel like I'm drowning and to vent or get some advice if anyone can offer anything.

I have a 3 year old and a newborn baby and I physically cannot cope with them. I've spent most of the day in tears and OH has had to come home and take the kids out with him.

On the face of it, it looks like I've got it made, supportive OH (in most respects), well behaved toddler who's in nursery 3 days a week, in laws who take my toddler every week to help me but I still can't seem to get it together.

Newborn had issues when born and now at 12 weeks is a nightmare to feed which is so so so stressful. She constantly cries and will not settle or sleep in the day. She's only up a twice a night, feeds and goes down without problem but I feel completely and utterly exhausted and drained. I seem to just spend all my time shouting at my toddler when he's not actually even misbehaving.

Everyone tells me it'll be better if I get them out so I attempted it today just for the toddler to decide he didn't want to go, then did at the last minute so I had to rush everything, only to get there, pay and for toddler to refuse to stay and demand to go home, he completely freaked out. I know it's not his fault but I got so angry with him and have just spent the morning shouting at him.

I'm so ashamed but I can see myself properly losing it with the baby at some point, I love her so much and just want her to feed properly so she's happy and healthy. I've spoken to the HV and was just told as she's putting on weight and having wet/dirty nappies, she's fine. all I seem to do is stress about feeding and nobody seems to understand how important an issue it is. As a knock on, everything she does angers me, when she vomits, does a sicky burp, has wind issues as it's all connected to feeding and if she brings anything up that's even less milk in her tummy.

I'm an utter utter failure as a parent, had a poorly baby who needed special care when born, couldn't manage to breastfeed, can't manage to bottle feed, can't look after a toddler, can't manage both kids together, can't keep a clean/tidy house, can't manage to cook a dinner for my OH. There is nothing I can actually get right.

I'm falling apart and nobody knows how bad it is and I just don't know what to do. .

lostinrates

Firstly, congratulations on surviving a horrid sounding day!


More competent people to answer your needs will be here soon, but I think you are pretty amazing for getting through today and asking for help.

Gigglepig

Hi OP you sound quite down. Is there any chance you can get a bit more of a break to recover a bit? And do something for yourself like yoga, mindfulness, massage etc to help relax a bit. If none of that helps do you think you might be depressed?

It is hard work with a toddler and baby so completely understandable that you are feeling Drained. I don't really have any practical advice other than see if there is anything you can simplify or just drop (say ironing, have a cleaning lady occasionally, buy food some days so you don't need to cook etc)

GlasweJen

I hate to say it but I think you need to get help.

My sister went through this but we just thought she was struggling a bit until it all blew up. she had post natal depression that was made worse because she blamed herself when the 2nd baby was born and had to be put in NICU and then convinced herself that she was making the baby ill/not helping baby get better when she came out even though the baby was fine.

It all came to a head and she needed a lot of help to recover, now she's fine and when baby number 3 came along the PND didn't.

PND is about more than "not feeling the bond" and it makes excellent mums feel inadequate. You're doing great, your baby is gaining weight and her medical team are happy. Get help for yourself so that you can see the amazing job you are doing. Speak to your health visitor, show her this thread and let her see how you really feel.

Bangton

Couldn't read and run. I completely empathise. I have one adorable little 20 month old but he's up in the night a lot and I sometimes reach a point of feeling low because I'm shattered. Very occasionally I hit utter despair where I just feel like a crap mum!

My son didn't feed well and it's so hard as no one but mummy seems to care. I didn't breastfeed either. We had months of vomiting/tummy problems. My son didn't sleep in the day or night! Now it's just night!

I think every mum in the world hits breaking point sometimes. Tomorrow is another day that may well be ten times better than today. Remember a lot of what your feeling is probably because your shattered. Having your sleep broken night after night is not the easiest. If it helps I can't keep a clean home now my son is 20 months. I'm just so busy/tired/I also work full time. I'm a big advocator of doing what you can to lighten the load. I'm currently finding a cleaner, not because I'm flush with cash but I'd rather lose some luxuries and have a clean home and time to relax with my son. If you can I'd recommend it.

Going out helps but it can also be really hard work with a toddler and I can only imagine what it's like with a toddler and a newborn.
You'll get through because you have to and you'll find ways to get by. She will get past the feeding issues and it's not you who is a failure! My son fed really poorly as I mentioned and he's healthy and happy as if it never happened x

tomtontom

You're not a failure, you're not well. That's not your fault, it can happen to the strongest and most capable of people at times.

The charity PANDAS would be a good starting point for you.

pmlindyloo

You're not a failure. You're a normal mum with a toddler and a baby. Without the feeding problems this would test the reserves of anyone.

First of all do speak to your HV and if they suggest it, to your doctor.

Next, stop trying to be perfect. If anyone has a clean house with a toddler and a new born then they have a secret cleaner(s)

Take all the help you can get. You can return favours in the future. Eat takeaways/send out the ironing, or better still, stop ironing.

The important thing is to survive the day. If that means non stop TV for the toddler then so be it. If you ever have spare time (you wish) then put your feet up and grab a cup of tea.

Above all, stop feeling guilty. if you are tense then the kids will pick up on this. (My friend used to sing when she was in one of those situations - imagine trying to get child with stiff legs refusing to go in pushchair and seemingly mad woman singing at the top of her voice. Worked for her!

Others swear on dummies (worked for me with twins!)

So you don't feel alone some suggestions on this link - am sure there are many many threads in a similar vein.

http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/children-parenting-190/general-parenting-192/556679-really-need-advice-coping-newborn-toddler-all.html

belfastgirl23

I have no particular help to add except to say to me that what you're feeling seems totally normal. Which is definitely not to say it isn't c**p. But you're not a bad person or a bad mum or any of those things. You're only human and you're struggling. Step back and pretend your friend just wrote those words. What would you feel? My guess would be that you would desperately want to help. And that's what your friends and family will feel about you. So ask them. Lots of luck. And remember this is just a moment in time - try to have faith that things will get better again.

Mrshaworth2b

Don't be ashamed, every mum has had a day where they felt completely hopeless, a lot of mum's have had periods of feeling like that as well so you are not alone.

Is it worth you talking to your gp? Do you think it could be pnd?

You don't say how your baby is fed? Is it possible for you to have your oh look after your newborn while your other child is at nursery? To give you a break for a few hours from both?

Having a toddler myself I know how hard going out can be, I'm due my second and can only imagine how hard it will get with a toddler wanting to go his own way and all the things you need to remember for a newborn as well.

Don't feel like a failure your far from that, you just need a bit of support to put you back on track is all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Double buggy and headphones. (Even unhappy babies usually quieten down a bit when moving - try a sling as well).

Toddler gets put in the buggy and you put your headphones in. Keep pushing the thing, he wails and screams at the injustice in the world, whilst you have a few moments listening to music and looking at trees and flowers and things.

Going 'somewhere' and doing things is a lot harder than just 'I am going for a walk round the block or to a supermarket to pick up a punnet of strawberries, one of raspberries and one of cream (other fruits are available). Don't get anything sensible; that's another day. Take them home (and if he's still screaming, keep those headphones in).

Get in, stick Pooh Bear on telly. Make sure toddler is the other side of the stairgate to you. Put a ham sandwich in his hand. One you made and put in the fridge before you left. If he doesn't want it, never mind. (I am a huge fan of making packed lunches even when you're at home, and a ham sandwich, a few cheese squares, five grapes and a drink is plenty for a toddler. Stick it in a box and it's automatically more interesting).

Stuff all the nonsense about what you should or should not be doing. If this means carefully prepared from scratch hand cooked meals turns into packed lunches, so be it. Make up a batch of bottles at one time (small ones by the sound of it would be better), stick them in the fridge. Buy prepacked fruit mixtures for yourself (you may be short of vitamins). Drink lots of water - if you like tea, I'd suggest a lidded mug like teachers have, as they keep the drink warm for longer and it's a lot less hassle when you don't have to worry about it being knocked over.

The baby may need to be checked out for something affecting her feeding. As she sleeps at night, that's something positive. The toddler just sounds like a toddler, new babies don't cause that; toddlers are by their very nature, contrary little beasts.


You aren't failing. You've got two of the most stressful and demanding ages/sizes of person in your life right now. Just as you are physically tired and lacking in hormones and nutrients.

GwylimT

Ah babies and toddlers, the stuff of nightmares! I know how you feel, our son was born quite severely disabled so the care he needed was completelt different to our so called 'normal' daughter.

When you have spent an hour cleaning your sons feeding tube and it gets pulled loose it is rather satisfying to go out and punch the soil before going to A&E and your daughter decides its the perfect time to projectile vomit on a scorching hot day all over the car, she managed to contain her runny bum until she got inside and pood all over herself and the floor.

A particular favourite was when she smeared all her poo into her cream bedroom carpet, quite quick to deal with if you just cut a hole in the carpet.

If no ones dead you're doing alright!