Can't cope

Mrshaworth2b

Here here to if no one is dead you're doing alright

Wilma33

Could you (or your OH) ask your in laws to have your toddler a bit more for a few weeks the hours that your OH is at work? They would probably love to have him more and your toddler will love the extra attention. It might just give you the break you need to see how well you are really doing

LannieDuck

Oh honey, this is so familiar to me. I have a 3yo and a 1yo and I struggled so much over the past year.

My 3yo was a lovely easy baby, while my 1yo is soooo clingy it's untrue. People seem to think it's cute that she cries whenever I leave the room. After a year of it, it's not. It's really, really not.

I used to have a lot of patience. I have almost none now. I've become very strict with my poor toddler, and my baby sometimes just has to be left to cry It's hard.

I'm starting to come out of it now because I'm back at work. I was absolutely desperate to get back by the end of my mat leave.

Looking back, I think I may have been depressed, which has never happened before in my life. If I hadn't had my return to work to look forward to, I would probably have gone to the doctor and discussed it with them. Is that something you might feel able to do? Having a supportive OH made a huge difference to me. Do you have family and friends around who can help?

Towards the end I finally pulled myself together enough to get all three of us out of the house on little outings, and it definitely helped. It's coming up to summer, so maybe some trips to the local playground? If your baby can be left to sit in a buggy while you push your oldest on the swings, it's not as difficult as you might be worried it is. But I understand how intimidating it seems.

*hugs*

Northern78

CannotCope I totally understand where you're coming from. I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. My husband works in the forces and for that last 4 months has been home one weekend every month. It's hard, very hard.

When our daughter was born she suffered really badly with wind, she would feed a bit, get wind but couldn't bring it up then cry as she was hungry. This went on and on for what seemed like forever.

At the same time my 3 year old hit the terrible three's!! Two's were fine, it's the three's that are a nightmare! I remember sitting and crying thinking I can't do this anymore. I had a house to look after, a toddler, a newborn and I honestly felt I was going to crack. But somehow you do cope, you get through it and you'll probably want to throw something heavy at me for saying this but it does get easier.

My mum and dad have my son for me so I can at least get some cleaning done and my hubby gets up with the kids when he's home.

Please just accept all the help you can, don't be hard on yourself, cry if you feel like.it, don't bottle things up and above all remember you are doing a great job!

Bluemeanie_2

Hello.

It might not be for you but here is some practical advice.
For the baby, try Dr Brown bottles. Two night feeds is quite a lot no wonder you're exhausted! Invest in reading Gina Ford. Best money I ever spent! Violet went through the night at 7 weeks (it's not about leaving a hungry baby to cry) I didn't do all the mumbo jumbo about having a piece of toast at a specific time I jut stuck to the naps and feeding times.

Don't know if you already do this, but from day one I taught Violet day was for fun, night was for sleeping so when doing the night feed etc I made no eye contact to stimulate her or put the lights on etc. it was literally up feed, cuddles until she was Neely asleep and then straight back in the cot.

I feel so much better when I have a good nights sleep. I really can see why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

Is there any room in your budget for a cleaner? Or to send some ironing out?

CannotCope

Thank you for all the replies and reassuring words, its lost cathartic to get it out somewhere. I have a huge amount of pride and people knowing I can't cope would knock me even more.

The rest of today has been spent with me literally crying while both kids were with OH in the office. He's fantastic but is self employed and works 6 days a week, with that and SMP money is tight so I try not to ask him to do too much in terms of the house/kids. He also works long hours and quite often will come home and work (after helping but toddler to bed, cooking dinner and tidying up after) Eldest is now in bed and OH has baby while I try and get an early night. Which will be near on impossible as my mind will go into overdrive now. OH said he'll do the first night feed so I can get a chunk of sleep but I worry about him then having to do a full day at work tomorrow.

We used to have a cleaner but I had to give her up when I went on maternity leave and I've never ironed!!

Inlaws have my toddler as much as they can but I feel so guilty palming him off and losing that bond I have with him. He already looks at me differently as I'm this ball of anger and unhappiness and he has so much fun with everyone else. I'm sure he dreads his days with me as much as I do and I hate feeling like that.

I only really have my eldest on my own 2 days a week and just the baby on the other days but even those are so so hard as she just doesn't settle and is generally an unhappy un-content baby, largely because of me I guess. I've tried the singing to drown out the crying but end up sobbing along side the baby as she thrashes about while increasing in volume herself. I resort to crying and begging Her to stop which also doesn't wirk.

I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow as I have a friend visiting with similar aged kids and she makes it look so easy, beautifully well behaved toddler, a happy gurgling baby who feeds and sleeps, my friend looking fabulous as opposites to my frazzled and frumpy frame and she has a knack of rubbing it in and making me feel like utter poo.

I just so want to be a good mum and have happy children but I just don't know how. I'm so afraid of them looking back and remembering this and realising that this is bit what happy childhoods are made off.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Your OH will be fine. He's a big boy now.

Your toddler will be fine. The baby will be fine.

I wouldn't normally suggest it, but why not have a nice glass of red wine and go and crash out?


It might be that you need to change the way you wind her - the delicate patting over the shoulder doesn't always work. I would sit mine on my lap, supporting their chin and firmly rubbing their back - at one point I had them lying across my forearm and actually massaging the belly, which was taut like a drum.

I'm going to repeat the going to get her checked out - the eldest turned out to be lactose intolerant, for example. Not great for an exclusively breastfed baby, as you can imagine. The youngest was just hungry and needed to switch to the hungrier baby formula (and started eating solids early as well). My niece turned out to have a clicky hip.

Even with the undiagnosed lactose intolerance, my eldest was quiet if she was in a sling. Probably because she was upright and had the pressure against her tummy.

If you're feeling angry (which I completely understand), put the baby in her cot. Shut the bedroom door. Go sit on the back doorstep for five minutes. And breathe.

Stuff guilt. Sod what you 'should' be like. Bol.locks to pride.

Get to the GP.

LannieDuck

You're completely worn down. You need to look after yourself a bit. Once you're better, your kids will be happier. Accept whatever help you can. Yes, your OH is busy, but so are you - he's not the only one working 6 days a week.

Even if you don't think you can speak to people you know about what you're going through - can you talk to your dr?

meritaten

hunny - we all have had days like that - but it sounds like you have had weeks on end. no wonder you are exhausted and feel you cant cope.
Please, stop worrying about everyone else and look after yourself!
you must get proper rest, and your OH wont come to any harm if he takes over the early feed, for a night or two.
and yes it can be a nightmare getting two kids ready for an outing - I found the trick was to get myself ready, get the baby ready and in the car seat, then deal with toddler/pre-schooler.
and I don't know how or why they do it - but they can pick up on a stressed mum like guided missiles - and do their best to make you feel worse!
as others have said - you can put the baby in her cot, and walk away for five until you feel calmer.
and please talk to the HV or your GP about how you feel - you may have mild PND. also they could tell you if there are any schemes out there to help young mums with children.
no you are NOT a failure - just struggling right now.

msb5262

Hi OP,
I sincerely hope you are fast asleep by now but please please be a bit nicer to yourself...first, get to the GP, get your baby checked out,and explain how you feel. Next, share your feelings with your OH as well. Then sit down (ideally with your OH) and write a list of the easiest meals you can make. My first 2 suggestions are beans on toast, and jacket potatoes with cheese. You need to prioritise your own wellbeing and do the absolute minimum for at least the next month. (By the way, when people suggest "getting out" with the children, they mean "for a walk round the block/to post a letter/to feed the ducks", not to anything more complicated!) I second everything Jojo the tightfisted said about food, double buggy etc, and please accept a warm hug from me. You are not alone. Look after yourself xx