Can't cope

barbiedoll

OP, I'm sure that your husband does work hard but believe me, he doesn't work as hard as you do!

I echo what everyone has said about seeing your GP. Your baby, I assume, was born early? (You mention special care and your unbelievably insensitive "friend" saying that she wasn't sure that baby was going to survive?) Having a baby in special care is an incredibly stressful thing to go through, caring for a baby who has been in special care is even more so. You never really lose that feeling of the baby being especially fragile so you can get much more hung up on feeding, weight gain, meeting milestones etc etc. Don't forget, if your baby was early, she will need to have her age "adjusted" so she won't necessarily eat (or weigh) as much as another 12 week old. Having said that, I've seen babies who will scoff 4oz at each feed and hardly put on any weight, others will drink 2-3oz and put on a huge amount of weight in a week. They're all different and all normal!

PND is an illness just like any other. It is NOT a weakness, nor is it a sign of a bad mother. It is a condition that strikes many women out of the blue. I work in maternity and I have seen women from all walks of life that have suffered with this. It doesn't care how much money you have, how clever you are or how much you have achieved in your life, nor does it discriminate between parents who have "difficult" babies, even mothers with the most contented babies can suffer with it. It is treatable, there is no reason for anyone to not get help for it. If your GP is not very understanding, ask to see a different one.

Simple things will help you to get through the days. Try to make sure that you eat and drink. Cold tea is better than no fluid at all, and a stale sandwich is better than starving. Try to get a bit of fresh air every day, it is well-known that it helps to combat depression, even if you're not depressed as such, getting out of the house is good for the kids and for you.

My best friend had two children with a small gap inbetween and I can remember her calling me up and crying down the phone when her youngest was a baby. After a few years, she graduated to yelling, the kids always seemed to start fighting as soon as we were on the phone. Now that our children are teenagers, we moan that they don't talk to us!

It does pass and it really does get easier, I promise. We do understand how you're feeling. Take care.

Skintski

I don't have children so I probably can't imagine how difficult things are but you sound like you need a hug so I'm sending you one.

Lunar_Eclipse

Baby sounds just like my eldest. She had reflux (hence lots of crying, small feeds & vomiting) and never slept much during the day. Infant gaviscon (prescription) helped a lot, and it passed by about 3 months (weaning) which felt like forever but really wasn't. We eventually gave her a dummy at 7 weeks. I was v reluctant, but recommend it 100%.

It will get better. Said baby is now an utterly delightful 15 year old. A much harder baby than DD2, but much easier as a toddler onwards.

Be kind to yourself. You are not struggling alone and it will get much better.

CannotCope

Thank you all for the replies, I've read them all and am so grateful for the time people have taken to respond. I'll try and cover everything but can't figure out how to quote on my phone.

So OH went to bed early-ish last night saying he was tired and couldn't do another might as well as do a full day at work today. I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive or if he's implying I do nothing all day bar try and feed a baby every few hours. Other than the evening dinner, I actually do everything around the house.

Today was much better, baby fed well overnight and during the day as well. With regards to the screaming while feeding, the cranial osteopath actually helped massively as she said baby's tummy was very very tight making feeding painful. She's still not having huge feeds and it stresses me out which I think in turn stresses her out causing her to cry. I'm convinced she can't be taking enough but she refuses to take any more.

Baby wasn't born early, well she arrived at 38 weeks via emergency section and was in special care as she wouldn't feed, had an infection and couldn't regulate her temperature or blood sugars.

I don't feel comfortable just yet leaving baby with inlaws, can't really explain why but I'm not ready for that, I struggle to leave her with OH as I'm so worried about her feeding. I'm going to try and take toddler out Sunday morning though, just me and him for some one on one time. I miss him. I miss spending time with him as baby doesn't sleep in the day and is so unsettled, I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum for him and he deserves so much better.

Toddler was at nursery today and came home and was role playing with a toy which he decided was being naughty and he shouted at and put in time out. 30 seconds later he picked the toy up and kept apologising for shouting, smothering it in kisses and promising not to shout again. I saw what I do from the other side and it made me so so utterly sad.

There have been a couple of posts that have said something like 'I chose to have 2 close together' and 'how did people cope years ago with larger families.' I'm well aware of my failings, I know I'm letting my children down. I don't deliberately wake up each morning wanting to shout and be angry all day. I'm abmum of 2 who's struggling to adjust, is overwhelmed and struggling. I wish more than anything I could make my children happy.

I'm going to hold off going to the doctors for the time being, I find it so hard to admit I'm struggling and i don't find it easy to let people in or confide in them, even my OH. I'm hoping against hope I can be better at everything and anything.

Thank you all so much for the support, each and every post is massively appreciated and there's a lot here for me to think on.

System

Skintski wrote: »

I don't have children so I probably can't imagine how difficult things are but you sound like you need a hug so I'm sending you one.

I second this, i'm sorry have no advice but sending lots of hugs and just want to echo what others have said, you're NOT in any way shape or form a bad mum, you're just struggling right now (which is understandable given the situation) and need some help, be that help with the kids, more support from family/OH, or talking to your GP. You will get through this.

marleyboy

OP, you cannot see it, but from here it appears you are suffering from depression (possibly PND but as a man I would not know). It appears in your posts that all is negative, that things which would seem pretty mundane to most of us, are amplified to you. In effect, things seem far more severe than they really are.

We have a severely disabled Son, who spent a lot of his first few Months in an incubator in hospital, with a touch n go whether he would make it. You can imagine that we were walking on pins for a while, if he had a good sleep, we would nudge him to see if he was breathing.

As a Mother you are doing splendid, you just dont feel it. Your husband is likewise doing his best with a double whammy of trying to keep you all content. This is not all about blame, bad parenting or incapability, its your health, you cannot make your children happy if you are not happy yourself, children do sense these things.

If you want to make the children happy, you need to make yourself happy as happiness is as infectious as unhappiness. Make an effort to see your GP and explain everything as you have on here. It will all be worth it in the end.

My prayers and thoughts are with you OP.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

CannotCope wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies, I've read them all and am so grateful for the time people have taken to respond. I'll try and cover everything but can't figure out how to quote on my phone.

So OH went to bed early-ish last night saying he was tired and couldn't do another might as well as do a full day at work today. I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive or if he's implying I do nothing all day bar try and feed a baby every few hours. Other than the evening dinner, I actually do everything around the house.

Today was much better, baby fed well overnight and during the day as well. With regards to the screaming while feeding, the cranial osteopath actually helped massively as she said baby's tummy was very very tight making feeding painful. She's still not having huge feeds and it stresses me out which I think in turn stresses her out causing her to cry. I'm convinced she can't be taking enough but she refuses to take any more.

Baby wasn't born early, well she arrived at 38 weeks via emergency section and was in special care as she wouldn't feed, had an infection and couldn't regulate her temperature or blood sugars.

I don't feel comfortable just yet leaving baby with inlaws, can't really explain why but I'm not ready for that, I struggle to leave her with OH as I'm so worried about her feeding. I'm going to try and take toddler out Sunday morning though, just me and him for some one on one time. I miss him. I miss spending time with him as baby doesn't sleep in the day and is so unsettled, I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum for him and he deserves so much better.

Toddler was at nursery today and came home and was role playing with a toy which he decided was being naughty and he shouted at and put in time out. 30 seconds later he picked the toy up and kept apologising for shouting, smothering it in kisses and promising not to shout again. I saw what I do from the other side and it made me so so utterly sad.

There have been a couple of posts that have said something like 'I chose to have 2 close together' and 'how did people cope years ago with larger families.' I'm well aware of my failings, I know I'm letting my children down. I don't deliberately wake up each morning wanting to shout and be angry all day. I'm abmum of 2 who's struggling to adjust, is overwhelmed and struggling. I wish more than anything I could make my children happy.

I'm going to hold off going to the doctors for the time being, I find it so hard to admit I'm struggling and i don't find it easy to let people in or confide in them, even my OH. I'm hoping against hope I can be better at everything and anything.

Thank you all so much for the support, each and every post is massively appreciated and there's a lot here for me to think on.

How is actively avoiding getting help going to make everybody happier?

Let me put it another way; if every day for the next five years is going to be like yesterday - unless you go to the GP - how long do you think you will last?

The GP could potentially see something that can be treated in your little one that could help her feed. S/he won't even know to look unless you tell them exactly how hard it is. And if she's screaming her head off throughout the consultation, all the better.

If it turns out she's fine and it is PND, the sooner it's treated, the sooner it lifts. The sooner everyone benefits - including you.

LannieDuck

Has your OH looked after both children by himself very often? It sounds as if he simply doesn't realise how hard it is. If you can, find a way to trust him enough to leave both kids with him for a day while you go out somewhere. I think it will be important for how much support he shows you.

Wellyboots6

I dont know if it will help or not, but yesterday my midwife told me that there are three ways to tell if a baby is feeding enough... They pee, they poo and occasionally they sleep. She said a newborn should be wanting to feed every couple of hours and that often they will want a couple of small feeds closer together rather than less regular bigger feeds as their tummy is so small. As long as baby is doing the three things then they are getting enough feed.
Please see your GP regarding depression. My GP is lovely about it and I haven't even had the baby yet! I struggle with depression on and off anyway but pregnancy has triggered it again big time. I am worrying about anything and everything and blaming myself for things that make no sense. The more help you can get the easier it is for everyone. I learnt the hard way that there are no prizes for pretending to be fine when you really aren't, it all catches up with you eventually and then everyone wants to know why you didn't ask for help sooner, apparently pride is not an acceptable excuse!
Good luck and keep talking to people on here at least

Tilly_MFW_in_6_YRS

Good morning, I know you've posted that you don't want to go to the Dr yet and I hope you don't mind me giving you advice.

When you have a moment today just make an appointment. Go and see the Dr and if you can't open up, write it all down on paper, in bullet points and take it with you.

The sooner you receive help, the sooner you'll start to feel better and be more able to cope.

I'm sure seeing your toddler shouting at the toys was heart breaking for you. Use that as the trigger to go and get help.

Take care, Tilly