Can't cope

heartbreak_star

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to send you some love and support. *hugs*

HBS x

lollyb84

How are you doing today OP?

I struggled after the birth of my son in 2013. Some days I couldn't leave the house, other days I couldn't bear to be in it. I do worry how about I would cope with 2 (not that that is happening right now!). I agree with the idea of some sort of routine. Personally I followed the Gina Ford routine, (not to the letter, but what my husband termed Gina Ford light) and found my son settled into it very quickly.

Please talk to someone in RL. Your HV, a doctor, even a friend. I know how hard it is when you feel like everyone else is coping (I felt exactly the same), but believe me, many feel the same. As soon as I mentioned having a bad day to a friend, she told me how difficult she was finding it all. It was such a relief to hear it wasn't just me. I felt I had gone from a successful career, to a very unsuccessful stay at home mum. If I hadn't had work to go back to, I think I might have gone completely crazy.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Stevie_Palimo

Good luck Cannotcope and please take note of what has been said you are from a bad mother and anyone that has a baby and does there best is a good mother.


Hopefully you can talk to a GP plus family members about how you feel and see if they can help you here as being family they will want you in good health as well as your new child.

theoretica

Repeating a poster above, could the inlaws take the baby instead of the toddler now and again? Either to give you some fun time with the toddler - or if they take the baby when the toddler is at nursery and you could have a nap.

CannotCope

Thank you again everyone for your responses, I've tried to thank you all but it won't let me, I'll try again when I've posted.

OH kept baby all night unbeknownst to me, until I woke in a panic at 4, realised I'd missed feeds and thinking I'd lost her! Tbh I prob didn't get much more sleep than normal but was very grateful nevertheless.

Today started off horrific, OH warned he was out and about today so wouldn't be able to nip home if I needed him, first bottle was a nightmare and toddler was just being a pain. Made it downstairs, was trying to feed baby her second bottle in amongst her ear splitting screaming and toddler decided to ride his scooter through the house carrying 2 toy garden tools, fell over into the cats litter tray with the scooter on top of him. Cue him sceaming, so I had to put down screaming baby to attend to screaming toddler. I cried, they cried, I shouted a lot, toddler looked so sad I cried even harder and toddler said he was scared of me as i shout so much these days. I think my heart actually broke.

Rest of the day went surprisingly well, baby fed ok-ish toddler behaved, mostly enjoyed my friends visit. Unfortunately my friend isn't the kind is confide in. She didn't get in touch at all when baby was in special care and when I alluded to that she pretty much implied I was petty for keeping tabs on who offered support when initially we didn't know if baby would make it. She is also one of those that just wouldn't understand why I'm struggling, her advice would be to suck it up and get over it. I know appearances are deceiving but she's just so together and in control with perfectly behaved children, I feel so much more inadequate.

The feeding.... at 12 weeks she only takes 2-3ozs max in any one feed, getting more down her is a nightmare. She feeds every 3ish hours sometimes more often but taking less but I'm so paranoid she's not getting enough even tho I can see she's growing. I'm convinced she should be taking more, the frequent feeding doesn't bother me, unless it's an oz and s half every hour and half like last weekend. It shouldn't be such a battle to feed her. HV has observed and said it was 'normal' whatever that is these days.

Funnily enough we've just finished sessions with a cranial osteopath which seemed to make a huge difference in her behaviour, although not feeding, until we had an awful awful early morning feed yesterday where I lost my temper and think I broke her again.

The not napping doesn't help, she's had 3 x 20 min cat naps today and that's it, I could cope better if she just had 1 decent nap so I could regroup.

I've survived 2 days, toddler is back in preschool tomorrow so I'll only have 1 to try and placate, although my toddler is much easier to deal with.

Kynthia

I didn't clean the house or cook dinners when I had a 3 month old, and I didn't even have a toddler as well. Be kinder to yourself and know that success is when everyone is still warm and breathing at the end of the day, anything else is a bonus.

Try to get out but try places that don't have a 'start time' so that it doesn't matter if you're late. If money is tight then ask for annual membership to a soft play place or local farm with an indoor play bit as a gift for whoever's birthday is next. It's great having somewhere to go in all weather without worrying about the cost.

Do you genuinely think there's something wrong with your baby or do you think you're worries are due to your anxiety? Could she have silent reflux or a milk protein intolerance, or be completely fine and normal but just cry a lot which is completely normal but incredibly stressful and upsetting? In a few weeks your baby will be able to burp herself which makes a difference. I know weeks seems like forever right now but it will come. Do whatever you can to make life a bit easier until then and ask for help as it's not a sign of failure as in many cultures you'd have a whole village of women come and do loads of work for you while you focused on the new baby.

I've just seen your new post. Do you think that maybe you're feeding your baby too frequently so that she's not getting hungry enough for a bigger bottle? My mum suggested I was doing the same thing, as I'd been feeding on demand and didn't have a fixed schedule. My mum likened it to constantly snacking and therefore never hungry enough for a meal and that perhaps I'd worried that every little fuss was a demand for milk and i'd rush to feed her. Waiting a bit really helped and soon we had a 3-4 hour gap between feeds.

lollypopswater

Big hugs to you.

Screaming when feeding is not normal - please look into reflux/silent reflux and see if the symptoms are similar.

My dd has bad silent reflux (doesn't really vomit) which meant she screamed in pain whilst I fed her for weeks. We ended up in hospital and she is now on meds for this and cows milk allergy.

She is like a totally different baby - I would never have believed it!

All the best xx

carmina_piranha

Have you tried colief for the baby? You can use it however you are feeding. I bottle fed but the woman who told me about it was breast feeding. Her daughter stopped needing it after a few months but mine carried on. He's still lactose intolerant at the age of 9 but it's those early days when milk is their only source of food that are the worst. Most grow out of it before they are a year old anyhow. It might be worth a try, and it doesn't necessarily mean you will have a lactose intolerant child.

My baby started having proper naps and was like a different baby after less than 24 hours of using colief.

Even using lactose-free milk my baby only took 3 oz at most, and he kept growing. As long as your baby is growing, try not to worry about her milk intake. The baby down the street born a week after mine took twice as much milk as mine did, and was on solid food a long time before mine was. They are so different! And mine grew more than the baby on 6oz!

I know that feeling of being stressed, and I had a 9 year gap between mine so the eldest was at school full time and needed me less than a toddler would - but I still found life such a struggle with a cross baby. And while some women are secretly struggling, many aren't - they really do find it easy. A place like MSE is great for support because there are so many of us, and loads of us will understand. Keep posting, we think you're doing great.

PlymouthMaid

CannotCope (yes you can by the way x) You are getting grand advice from people more in tune with young kids than I am now but I just wanted to say well done you as your days are so stressful right now and you and the children will come through this to sunnier times soon. You are not a lousy Mother as a lousy Mother just wouldn't care. Some babies are very hard work and when you see another Mum having it relatively easy you can't help but make comparisons but they are meaningless really as every mothering experience is different. Be kind to yourself and maybe make a little bit of special time for yuor toddler so he doesnt get resentful of the baby. If he will understand, a little psychology can make things better... I remember telling my eldest things like we would have special big girl time doing things which little babies cant do. x

System

CannotCope I think your doing brilliantly.:T