Can't cope

KiKi

CannotCope wrote: »

Inlaws have my toddler as much as they can but I feel so guilty palming him off and losing that bond I have with him. He already looks at me differently as I'm this ball of anger and unhappiness and he has so much fun with everyone else. I'm sure he dreads his days with me as much as I do and I hate feeling like that.

Palm off baby instead - and spend time with the toddler on his own. It sounds like your stress is caused by the fact that the baby is crying a lot, and if you can sort that, other things may fall into place.

Do you know why the baby is crying, is it colic, or feeding, or something else?

I only really have my eldest on my own 2 days a week and just the baby on the other days but even those are so so hard as she just doesn't settle and is generally an unhappy un-content baby, largely because of me I guess.

Nope. Not because of you. Because she's either colicky, or she's just a cry-y baby at the moment, or because of something else. But definitely not you!

I've tried the singing to drown out the crying but end up sobbing along side the baby as she thrashes about while increasing in volume herself. I resort to crying and begging Her to stop which also doesn't wirk.

Yeah, they don't tend to listen. Others have had some great advice. If she's not crying because of something wrong (that she needs to see a doctor / HV for) then put her in the pushchair and go out with your earphones in. Get away from the screaming and the crying, it's terribly stressful when you have it all the time. Ask your annoying friend to take her for the morning. Get away from it and have time out.

I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow as I have a friend visiting with similar aged kids and she makes it look so easy, beautifully well behaved toddler, a happy gurgling baby who feeds and sleeps, my friend looking fabulous as opposites to my frazzled and frumpy frame and she has a knack of rubbing it in and making me feel like utter poo.

I'm sure she doesn't do it on purpose - but if she does, then don't see her! Or, can you confide in her? Ask her to take the baby for a while?

I just so want to be a good mum and have happy children but I just don't know how. I'm so afraid of them looking back and remembering this and realising that this is bit what happy childhoods are made off.

Your kids will not remember this, I promise. Do you remember being 3? 12 weeks?! Of course not.

Two things you need to do: go to your GP and tell him / her how you feel. Ask to see a female GP if you prefer, you can do that. Tell them what's going on and cry it out and let them hear it and listen to you.

Secondly, it sounds like there's something going on with your baby's feeding that's causing so much crying, and you need to get it checked out. You need to find someone who will listen and understand. I don't know enough, so can't suggest someone, but perhaps there are some local support groups? Perhaps if you're happy to share what her needs were when newborn someone might be able to suggest an approach (not medical, of course), whether it's trying different teats if you bottle feed or trying a new feeding approach, or winding more firmly, or feeding in a different position etc. Either way, you definitely need to talk to someone and for them to listen to you, who can specifically help with your baby feeding / crying.

I also agree about going out - forget going out to anywhere special or organised! Just get out to a park, or for a 30 minute walk, or to the high street.

But everyone will be fine, and your OH can take the flack for a bit, it won't kill him or the kids.
If you're in Brighton I'm happy to take the baby for a day and give you a rest!

piglet25

Kids have this way of picking up on stress and using it to their full advantage! Its not even their fault they do this, its like an inbuilt feature they can't control, I have a four year old and a five year old and boy are they hard work and I remember days of sobbing when they were younger but we all got past it and so will you.
I would take the baby to the GP for a check up and ask them about yourself too and you will get past this if you get some help. Your OH can organise himself but he needs to take a bit of time out to give you a break.I know it sounds unlikely right now but these are the days you will look back on and smile about eventually.

bylromarha

Go to a mirror and repeat this to yourself again and again and again.

"I'm flipping amazing"

What you are doing is hard. Did you hear that? Hard. 2 very big demands are in your life right now and you are doing a great job holding it together. Well done.

My OH was self employed at this point in our family working 5am-1am days. He'd do a feed before he came to bed too as he was trying to do what he could to help, love him. And in your logical head, you know OH would help more if he could, but logical head is stuck under tired head right now, yes?

PLEASE go to the GP - tell them your concerns about the baby and have a chat about how you're feeling. Be honest. And they aren't going to judge you either, their job is to help.

And finally, have a fun day with your friend who's coming round - if she knew you'd written this post, I suspect you think she'd be shocked as it sounds like you're doing a good job keeping the face on for outsiders. I suspect that your friend is also swanlike - calm on the surface but paddling frantically like you but no-one can see it.

Say it again CC - "I am amazing" - because you are. You have grown 2 people, they are healthy and love you and know how hard you are working for them. Keep doing what you're doing cos you're doing great, and get yourself booked in to see the GP.

all the best - and please keep on using MSE as an outlet as we all need those.

SingleSue

Oh goodness, I remember those days....

I thought it was bad when I had a three year old and a new born (it was pretty bad to be honest) but then when youngest arrived 15 months later, I think a new hell was created.

He screamed constantly, he wouldn't settle, he was an absolute nightmare and on top of this, the problems with our middle son were becoming apparent which added to the stress.

It was the screaming that did it for me, a constant noise that drove me around the bend and made me snappy, stressed and very depressed. There was no peace, no chill time, just noise.

I would look around at my friends and their children, people in the supermarket etc and would feel an absolute failure...why couldn't mine be like theirs, what was I doing wrong. Many times I felt the children would be better off being brought up by other people as I was so obviously bad at it.

Other people couldn't really understand what it was like though, they thought it was just the normal crying a baby does, or like the OP said, how cute he looked with his face all scrunched up and angry...they just couldn't get how tired I was, how stressed I was, how down I was, I kept being told I should be happy, I had 3 wonderful children, there was nothing to be depressed about.

Youngest screamed until he was 5 then he finally started to form words (he is complex autistic plus a myriad of other problems).....even now a crying baby sends shivers through me.

I can't have been that bad a parent though, eldest is at uni, middle son is off to uni (results willing) in September and youngest is at college about to start A levels (a year late but we got there in the end). It's been a journey, a stressful one at that but all in all, I can now look back and give myself a pat on the back.

Alchemilla

Hugs for you and these feelings are very commn.

Do speak to your GP asap. You don't need to suffer feeling like this xxx

ellesbellesxxx

Some excellent advice here... my heart goes out to you. You sound like a devoted, loving Mum - who is sleep deprived. I quite agree with what others have said - if someone could have baby for a few hours (whilst toddler at nursery?) Get a massage, get some sleep, have some YOU time and hopefully you will feel more relaxed.
As concerns your friend today, if she is a real FRIEND, tell her how you are feeling. Like others have said, she may well surprise you. If she is not a real friend, do not even bother seeing her if it will make you feel crap.
I quite agree that seeing a GP may well help... why not just see what they have to say?
Big hugs xx

pollypenny

Get to your GP and seek advice about baby. Colic is real possibility.

Secondly, you may well discuss PND. In any case, it's blooming hard work with a toddler and a baby. It's likely that your toddler is picking up,on your tension.

I hope things work out, OP, in fact I'm sure they will. Keep your chin up.

Birdie85

Big hugs to you, you sound so worn out, which is totally understandable with a toddler and a newborn!

Some great advice on here, I second the suggestion to 'palm off' the baby on the grandparents for a few hours. The crying goes right through you after a while and you need that break.

My DH saw me getting stressed one day with my DS as he wouldn't stop crying and taught me his trick of dealing with it which is to laugh at him. I know it sounds awful, but sometimes just taking a step back and looking at his funny angry little face and just laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation helped me deal with it. Even forcing yourself to laugh releases happy hormones and makes you feel better, even if just briefly.

Do you have a sling or baby carrier? Maybe your little girl just wants to be held upright to feel better, you'll be able to get a lot more done, and she'll probably settle a bit, if you just strap her to you and get on with stuff.

Oh and don't worry about your friend, she's probably like a duck, all calm on the surface, and paddling like mad underneath!

Do keep taking your DD to the GP if you're worried about her feeding. Don't let them fob you off. You're her Mum and you know something isn't right. It could be that she needs different formula.

System

Post natal depression takes on all forms.

When I was carrying my youngest child I had many mixed emotions floating round in my head.

He was number 5 and I really didn't want another baby. I felt stretched with 4. I wondered if I'd cope or even if I could love a baby that I really didn't want.

I held myself together and knew I was in the firing line for PND just through circumstance.

He was born and I loved him immediately but the one thing I hadn't thought of was how much room a tiny baby would take in the house. All of a sudden the house seemed closed in. I felt as though the walls were crushing in on me.

Then one day I left the sleeping newborn in his cot next to Daddy who had done a stint of night shifts and was comatose in bed.... I walked down to fetch my older kids who were coming out of school when I realized. If my baby cried or was sick his Daddy wouldn't hear him (he rarely woke up once he was asleep).... I knew I needed to go to see the doctor. I wasn't thinking rationally.

Post natal depression isn't a bad thing, its a natural thing that just needs to be treated.

morocha

Hello Op, How are you today?

When my youngest was born (2 years ago) She spent the day crying non stop. she was very very unhappy baby and wanted nothing but be in my arms and drink milk, she slept little and I went from feeling amazing to feeling shattered and not been able to cope. I had post natal depression and I was taking a pill for a few months. She did not improve and I honestly felt like my life was torture with a baby waking up like 6-7 times at night and constantly wanting to be with me during the day.
I remember pushing my pram to my in laws and my baby crying non stop every single day, I remember that winter very well. I took her to a qualified cranial osteopath after getting her all sorts for wind, changed my diet, tried to get her to take a bottle so others could help me out but she refused... after a month of massages.. my baby was different, my baby was happy. My delivery was very fast and my baby was back to back, she was born with redness in her neck that lasted several months and the osteopath said she was in pain.
Those £45 for 30min every week were the best money I have ever spent I wish I did it sooner.