one day at a time

Skinnylatte

You absolutely can not be walking round like a bag lady, like I was in Aldi tonight :rotfl:

safehouse

Haaaa... I have my moments believe me

safehouse

Oh Dear,.....for me "New Years Eve" these three words I dread every year ....feel like digging a hole, climbing in and not getting out till around 4th January. Although I certainly intend to make this a new year for myself and DS, I would easily skip this weekend in a heart beat...Not that I am not wishing everyone else a Good New Year xx

CC 5,110…. Mortgage £32,920 (67,080 paid)… Xmas 2016 £990.... Total Debts to Date = 38,920

Skinnylatte

:grouphug:
I've been thinking this for a while, so I'm just going to ask it anyway, you can ignore/delete if you want.
Why do you have to put up with this until your debts are paid? Can you not end this now?
At least is there no family of friend you could stay with for a few days to get a break?
No-one should have to put up with what you do, walking on egg shells and dreading what's around the corner.
My heart goes out to you SH, I pray you can find some peace in 2016

safehouse

I like and thankyou for your Honesty Skinny and you really are a lovely person. I am sure you are not the first to read my posts and think the exact the same thing….why do I stay? I do all the time! ….Fear and being too scared to leave, fear of being on my own, fear of losing my home. I know it makes no sense. Financially I am managing to save quite large amounts at the moment and at least if the inevitable happens I will have some financial security for my DS also. The other reason I have stayed is because I still care for him, I am not sure it is love anymore but he would crumble if I left and after 30 years it is so hard not to feel some responsibility, he is in bad health with very high blood pressure. The truth is believe it or not when he is sober he really is a lovely, caring hard working man and a loving father.
Things have been quiet since Xmas he has been on the wagon, going to the gym and seems determined, so he is winning the battle so far, even kept sober last night New Year ….
Very upsetting evening last night all the same, his sister whom I called for support on Xmas day dropped off a bottle of 40% JD and his mother dropped off some miniature whisky’s. I feel sick to my stomach, like I have hit a brick wall with these people, why would they do this?, why don’t they believe me?…after I poured my heart out to her at Xmas and asked for support this is how they support him/us to give him more alcohol, why be so cruel?. His blood pressure is sky high, his health declining, he is on medication and this is what they do! I’ve known for some time their strong dislike for me, but really is their dislike for me so much stronger than their love for him………………
The biggest surprise of the evening was him standing over the sink and pouring it all out…..”I want to get better” is what he said to me last night.
Some people say alcoholism is a disease who knows…………….
I am under no allusions regarding the future, but I know I cant change him or his family, I can only change me and that is my New Year resolution for 2016....
I know I have gone on and on, hope I haven’t put you to sleep, thank you again for your concern and I hope you had a wonderful New Year without the major hangover this morning God Bless xx

Eager_Elephant

Hi safehouse


I saw you on Skinny's thread and thought I would look for your diary.


I also had wondered why you had not left your husband but did not ask as everyone has a reason.
There seems to be quite a few people on MSE who are going through similar at the moment.


Someone who is nearly at the end of her journey is Ellieseleven - she has nearly cleared all her debt and is planning to leave her husband and start afresh without him.


Alcoholism is an illness and people do need support to recover but they also have to want to get better as you can't just avoid all places with alcohol for life.

I am so glad that you have decided that 2016 is the year for you and your DS - it makes all the difference to life.


I do think you are an enabler and a lot of women fall into the same trap so it is not a criticism but the fact you told his family and got the secret out is to be applauded - such a shame that they won't support you with this and good on DH pouring it down the sink.


I was also an enabler for my DH, he has mental health problems and for years if he was in one of his moods I would cover for him and say he was not well (physically) or we would visit family together and pretend we were a happy family when we weren't.
A few years ago (before DH got ill with his headaches) I decided that when my DD reached 18 I would leave, I felt ok with bearing with it for another 10 years and from that day on I told anyone who asked after DH the truth - if we argued but were expected at families then I would go alone and tell people DH was sulking after an argument.
I even took the kids out for a pre-planned day trip on my own when DH got the sulk on I drove miles and went boating with the kids - it was a great day. DH could not believe I had done it and kept ringing and texting asking me to turnaround and collect him so he could come - I refused and after that we seemed to turn a corner and his behaviour improved.


Nowadays he occasionally has down days and we call them 'mope days', I make him go to bed and sleep for half a day and when he wakes he is usually in a better mood.


DH will have depression for life so we have to manage it the best we can - since his head pain got under control (November) he has been like a changed person.




I think you have been doing so well with paying down the mortgage and getting prepared just in case anything happens. Only you can draw a line under everything and move on - having that money there will hopefully make the decision easier.


Hope 2016 treats you well safehouse!!

safehouse

Hello Elephant,
Thankyou for your post, it gives me comfort to know I am not alone in regards to people with very similar struggles and I commend your strength with your OH and making a change for the better.
I totally agree with your views of being an enabler, I believe over the years I have been so worn down or just took what I thought was the easier route for a peaceful life. I have lost my identity and didn’t have the strength “mentally” to make a stand, by doing this I have allowed him to carry on with his behaviour and walk all over me time and time again. He is still shocked and annoyed that I have aired our dirty laundry, his view is we, meaning I should have kept it all in house even whilst reaching breaking point, but I have refused to apologise and would do the same again. Well, maybe I wouldn’t go to his family for support again as their solution is to supply him with the very poison that is ruining our lives. I would turn to my family for support and he knowing this might just give him that wakeup call he needs who knows?
2016 is the year I carry on making a stand and the year I start working on me and not him, something I am not used to doing
I know I am far from calm waters and have a hell of a mountain to climb, but I feel like I have a weight lifted, I have made a start. At least now because I refuse to live a life of covering for him and putting on a bravado, very much like you did with your OH maybe who knows, I might get my happy ending also.
Again Thankyou for your lovely words of support. I hope 2016 gives you many happy happy days……………………………………..

Doris17

Hello safehouse (((( hugs))) for you my lovely.Living with a person who drinks is hard, tough love is required.Be strong.Doris.xx

Eager_Elephant

Thank you safehouse for reading my post in the spirit it was intended.


No one sets out to be an enabler, people just fall into the trap and before they know it years have passed and the situation just gets worse and worse and the secret bigger and bigger.


Families don't like admitting that one of their own has problems so better to pretend its not happening and carry on as normal. To admit a family member has problems mean also looking at yourself and maybe your OH's sister and mum are not ready to do that.


I am so glad you are safehouse as your life can only get better and I know you have the determination to get through this.


I hope today has been a good day for your family.

Skinnylatte

I am full of admiration for you SH, stay strong xx