one day at a time

safehouse

Well couldn't be more wrong... Time and careful planning means nothing to an alcoholic, after I posted last entry, he emerged from bedroom still consumed from the many countless bottles from the night before, or maybe early morning who knows and ready for an argument. I stupidly called his sister to talk some sense into him was pointless, she looked at me like I had lost the plot and stated “well he has worked all year surely he deserves a few drinks, or maybe you could be more supportive she states…Oh silly me never thought of that!! What is the point? But then what does she know….can’t blame her really she only ever sees the sober decent man that I met. He drinks every night I stated…well…. so do I was her reply. Is it me? Am I really the abnormal one? “I left the room and him to carry on playing his winning stage performance of a true victim”.
Sooo went through the motions of Christmas dinner, opening presents and then making conversation not eating much but now at the point of no return Christmas day and I am the entertainment “ the fool”. Over reacting as always…………………………………
If I combined all my bad Christmases from years gone by and added them together they still couldn't compare with today. I now know all my fears for Xmas were justified and now understand why my financial nightmare last night came with the ever familiar reminding kick in the guts.

I have now changed my goal for saving, it is for myself and my sons future my OH deserves what he chooses over his family and he is welcome to as much as he can pour down his neck. Yes I am angry but I am also more determined to save next year than ever and as for guilt, I have none.
My priority now is my own health my own life and my sons.
I have a choice also…………………..I chose to let go, he is not my problem to solve.
Anyway have to get through next week and hope some urgent work comes in to get him back to work as quickly as possible.
Sorry for the gigantic off load, I have thrown all my personal emotions into my diary....hopefully it will help with my future battles but for now I wish everyone a happy happy Xmas xx

Wishfullthinking2

I hope things improve for you I think alot of people that drink don't acknowledge their problems I've lost two family members to alcohol you can't save him save yourself good luck for the new year

MissShoes

Sorry to read that. Very brave decision to focus on you and children- hope that allows you peace of mind.

Merry Christmas

Shoes

xx

safehouse

Thankyou for your kind words shoes and wishful, my thoughts go out to you also

I must have thrown out so much pent up emotion in that post yesterday, after having kept things a secret for so long even shocked myself, this forum has given me a voice. To even turn to his family for help yesterday was a first for me something that has shook him up, Alcoholics really don't like people to know their secret....not that it helped, they only ever see the lovely caring generous, sober man I met after all and I must be crazy to say these things about him and he plays the part so well at times you feel he deserves an Oscar and you are going mad and should be locked away. Ooh and he hides it so well!
My family are also unaware of his problem and would be so shocked, but I am at the point now where I will not keep this from them another major step in my taking care of myself and DS. I need the support and by keeping his secret I am totally enabling him to carry on whilst I sink lower and lower both physically and mentally. It is his problem, his shame and his guilt “I have carried this for far too long"
Of course he is now the sorry OH the regretful OH the OH who will never hurt us all that again
And maybe years gone by I would want to believe him so much I would, but today is different I don’t believe him….something has changed in me for Xmas 2015.
I am now taking each day as it comes just focusing on the next few days or a way of surviving the next few days and I will!! I feel stronger this morning even made a plan on the calendar of places we need to go, and stopping him from reaching for the usual.
Debt amount amended with an extra £1000, I will be spending Xmas abroad next year Just myself and DS so essential extra savings needed.
I have also downloaded some books to help people who are living with alcoholics worth a go.
Feel terrible for DS he is such a rock to me and his Xmas ruined also, I will make it up to him.
2016 will be a year of saving and paying off debts like never before, but more than anything 2016 will be a year about me and my DS

safehouse

Emailed house cleaning company this morning taken on 6 house cleans throughout January, I have told DS will need his help and I will give him a wage......
Aim to take on every job and every extra penny


CC 5,110…. Mortgage £32,820 (67,180 paid)… Xmas 2016 1,000.... Total Debts to Date = 38,920

Skinnylatte

I'm so sorry for your bad times SH. It sounds like you are turning a corner and making some important decisions.
Please don't work your self into the ground, and get some support for your self too.
Good luck and keep posting xxx

safehouse

As always Thankyou Skinny,
The truth is now out and I feel better for it, still a mountain to climb but a weight lifted…………
Good luck with your date this evening x

safehouse

Normally love Mondays, but nope not this one , OH still on his very best behavior but not expecting it to last and so will be counting the days to 4th January or hoping the phone might ring for a few jobs before then, he needs to get back to work and out of temptations way and I need him back to work for some peace of mind.
Wages due around 7th January and should have a really good slice to payoff my mortgage, I know it is some time away but it gives me a feel good feeling, so thought I would mention it. I have even put aside most of the xmas money I was given as gifts, with the exception of a £28 spend on a new coat and hug boots in the sale.
Also received a letter regarding PPI, almost forgotten about it as applied absolutely months ago, seems we are owed some money back from OH 3 previous business loans. Cant understand how? as second time around first time lloydys refused point blank stating we were not owed a penny, so quite confused. Anyway if it does materialize will be going into my CC or the mortgage pot.................
DS is enjoying his time out of Uni atleast and its nice to have his company he is my brick at times and constantly makes me laugh with his very dry wit :)

safehouse

Eye test in the morning...then meeting D mama for quick coffee.
should have some penny's to put into mortgage tomorrow, maybe £10 as-long as I stick to a NSD.
CC 5,110…. Mortgage £32,820 (67,180 paid)… Xmas 2016 1,000.... Total Debts to Date = 38,930

safehouse

Eye test was a shock or maybe not, need new lenses and frames, thought eyes were slightly worse but not to the extent of the optician findings, also the eye strain might even have been contributing to the constant migraines of late along with stress related to OH antics ofcouse, he is not let off the hook that easy. Oh well looks like January's mortgage pot is going to suffer as a result but have to be realistic....
Naughty this morning ended up buying 2 pairs of denim jeggings, only £8 a pair and so comfy my others had been washed to a stoney grey with the odd bleach mark here and there, so I would say they were needed and not wanted….can’t be walking around looking like a bag lady now can I lol.
£5 into my happy Xmas in the sunshine with DS 2016 :T

CC 5,110…. Mortgage £32,820 (67,180 paid)… Xmas 2016 995.00 / 5.00.... Total Debts to Date = 38,925