Should I bail my daughter out again?

Cimscate

Wow Dillydilly, How on earth do you know the posters circumstances and even if that is the case 'children' or in this case adults have to learn how to manage their own money.


Twice is enough but maybe 1 more time making it absolutely clear this is the last time. Kids should not assume that just because their parents may be well off they are entitled to live off them - In most cases they worked hard to buy their houses and did not just sit back and take, take, take.

Cimscate

dillydilly wrote: »

ooh, rude, and harsh...
given only 30% of houses have a mortgage on them, that makes 70% owned outright, that's about 17m houses valued on average around £180k ? that's the real world, many people over 50 (and I'm guessing thats the age of people with a 23yr old daughter) are sitting on significant wealth, they need to stop buying their extravagant cars and holidays and pass it to the next generation. The 'I've worked hard all my life' defence doesn't wash, most of that wealth has come from house price appreciation

I'm guessing that your parents are refusing to give you money!!

Eleanory

Yes but insist that she moves to cheaper accommodation and seeks help. Students can get help and advice from the Students' Union. It's summer so uni is over for most undergraduates. If she can't pay her rent over the summer, tell her to give notice and move home while she looks for something for September. She could get a room in halls and pay her rent upfront for each term so at least she has somewhere to live. I wonder if she could arrange for her student finance to be paid directly to your bank account so you can manage her finances until she is able to do it herself? Also, make her cut up all credit, debit and store cards. If she hasn't got the cash to pay for things, she won't be able to go into debt.

Alanem

My daughter has never been good with money. When she was a student we bailed her out with bits and pieces a couple of times but there was no serious debt.. Later on she got into problems because she was persuaded by a financially irresponsible partner to take on a lot of debt all based on the belief that their house would sell for a lot more than it did. All the pressure split them up and she was left to sort it out. When the debts had been paid she ended up with £19 after 12 years mortgage. She had to rent and she used her credit card to help pay for the grand kids. Unlike your daughter mine kept it a secret until her car packed up and she was stuck for the school run and work then it all came out. We just couldn't let her and the kids down so we're helping and it's going to cost us a lot of money to clear everything and get her a credit rating again because without that she'll always be paying rent. Be thankful that your daughter isn't that proud that she can't discuss her problems with you. Or could it be we didn't ask the right questions years ago and got her sorted out then? The main thing is not to just ignore it.

wba31

Does she really have bailiffs at the door? failed to deal with a CCJ or unpaid council tax? or is it just threats? if the latter it sounds like money education is needed anyway.

I agree with posters saying that 1st time may have been viable, but 3rd time? your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet.

Advise her getting help from local CAB, or get her to ring StepChange or National Debtline and to take responsibility for her own actions.

gloriouslyhappy

dillydilly wrote: »

ooh, rude, and harsh...
given only 30% of houses have a mortgage on them, that makes 70% owned outright, that's about 17m houses valued on average around £180k ? that's the real world, many people over 50 (and I'm guessing thats the age of people with a 23yr old daughter) are sitting on significant wealth, they need to stop buying their extravagant cars and holidays and pass it to the next generation. The 'I've worked hard all my life' defence doesn't wash, most of that wealth has come from house price appreciation

I own my home, saved hard to pay it off, and which is now worth a lot, I'm over 50 and would be unable to get a mortgage and am wary of equity release schemes. If I sold up and gave the money to the younger family members, just where am I supposed to live, given the high rents, and on what am I supposed to live on my tiny income, after I've paid an exorbitant rent? My 'holidays' are all budget short breaks, my car is 17 years old, and I'm a member of MSE in order to make my money go further.

The so-called 'wealth' from house appreciation is on paper only, and until my death, entirely irrelevant!! Stand on your own two feet, be grateful for the help, advice and good start in life you got from your parent, and leave us pensioners alone, thanks!

wba31

tain wrote: »

I'd bail them out, because defaulting and CCJs can have serious effects later in life that she's still to naive about at the moment.

Defaults and CCJ's (if the issue has even got that far) only stay on the credit report for 6 years (so not the rest of her life). it's not impossible to improve a credit score with these things on.

Moireach

Greece wasn't bailed out without conditions. To be a little more helpful than to simply say no, I'd suggest asking for her last few bank statements as a condition to help. If she says no then she is asking you to fund spending you don't know if you agree with. If she says ok then you can look at her spending and help her reduce her running costs. A few examples;
1. Switch her to the cheapest energy suppliers and suggest ways to reduce energy costs.
2. Switch her to a rock bottom broadband deal with no tv (freeview and on demand is ample for someone prone to debt). SSE are offering broadband and line rental for 18 months for £12 a month.
3. Mobile contracts can cost 1k a year, ask when her contract is up and when possible switch to a month by month rolling sim only deal of about £10 a month or as low as £7 a month. A rolling contract means she's not tied in.
4. Obviously watch out for those one off spends, the weekends and the gadgets and so on.

There's no need to be harsh but you can't be giving her unconditional blank cheques either. Bailing her out is an opportunity to reform her and help her towards a responsible, independent, debt free future.

anthony_mansell

Speaking from experience... I've been in this situation and what my parents did for me was the best thing they could have possibly done. They scolded me silly and gave me a big life talk, but then we sat down together, worked out a budget (one which still allowed me to live), and one by one, called my debtors to negotiate. We froze the interest, then agreed manageable repayment amounts. We negotiated reduced settlements on a couple.

I stuck to the remaining payments for a long time, but then I lost my job and started defaulting again. I dropped off the debtors' radars with a couple of house moves, but once I grew up I repeated the process my parents taught me. I drew up a new budget, agreed repayments, and I'm pleased to say that I am free of those 5+ year old debts and even have a good credit score.

The positive side to letting her stay in debt and default on a few payments is that her credit score will suffer, making it difficult for her to get herself deeper in debt. I really feel that this was the best thing for me. I couldn't just transfer the debts around and take out more credit. The bank of Mum and Dad shouldn't dish out money, it should dish out wisdom. I wish they taught this stuff in schools.

The most important thing when she makes her budget is to include a personal spending allowance. A realistic amount she can spend on herself. Nights out, takeaways, etc. You cannot stick to a budget that doesn't allow for any fun.

I hope that this advice is of some help.

Anthony.

doctorblunkett

dillydilly wrote: »

You're living free of mortgage in your fancy detached worth over £400k that you bought for under £100k, no wonder kids in the 20s are struggling.

how do you know?