Should I bail my daughter out again?

Samuraiman89

When I was uni i received no support from my parents at all, as a matter of fact they use all sorts of emotional blackmail to extort money out of me when they realised I was eligible for student loans and graduate overdrafts, which left me with almost £10k worth of debt when I left university.

I had to work weekends and evenings to support myself and could barely afford to buy my textbooks or even eat.

I was threatened by the bailiffs, who obviously didn't care whatsoever about my circumstances, and given my inability to pay debts, they completely trashed my credit record.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help and for years have struggled to pay off most of my debt.

It's been about 7 years now and I have good job and virtually debt free, but even though all this time has passed I'm still very bitter that not only did my parents not help me, they put me in debt (on a tangent, I know).

The fact that you helped out your daughter not once but twice is amazing but I seriously think she's incredibly irresponsible and doesn't deserve another bailout.

Compared to the amount of debt i had, £2k is not a lot and she should be facing the consequences of her actions.

moonjooce

MSE_Nick wrote: »

My daughter's 23 and has a relatively poorly paid job. I've always tried to teach her to budget, but she's run up another £2,000 in debt and the bailiffs are due to come round soon. I don't want to see her go destitute but I've already had to bail her out twice before. Should I help her again?

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This could well be my mum writing this a few years ago about my sister. She constantly ran up debts due to low income. In the end after 6 years plus bailing her out over and over again, she said no. She hadn't been paying the rent and but we knew from Facebook posts she'd been going the pictures and out on the town etc - if you can't make the rent payments you shouldn't blow what money you do have on doing those things! Anyway, my mum said no. It got to the point of her possibly being evicted and being made homeless and my mum still said no (she knew she'd have to hit rock bottom to learn by this point). My sister realised only she could do something about it after being refused a bailout. She did manage to find another much cheaper flat - she should have looked for a cheaper one months before that as she couldn't afford the rent where she was already living, but it was easier to ask mum for rent money "or she'd be on the streets". Gota love emotional blackmail. Anyway, after finding a new flat she seems to have got her act together and has a better paid job now too. Sometimes saying no, and sticking to your guns is the only way to make someone stand on their own two feet. Your daughter is 23. My sister was 27 and had been getting bailed out since her early 20s. Stop now or you'll be doing it for years!

issueskid

scotsbob wrote: »

Yes she's family, your blood. What other reason do you need?

She has repeatedly run up debt, how will she learn if she knows she can blow another £2,000 and be bailed out?

britbird

I was stupid- I allowed my ex-partner to steal a huge amount of money from me over the course of our relationship. He promised to pay it back but didn't and still "owes" it to me now (this began in 2011) I felt like my life was over, and as someone who earns a good salary I had appearances to keep up. I tried to be as frugal as possible and failed, getting myself into more and more difficulties. I hid it from my family and friends. Eventually I got into a new relationship and he persuaded me to go to the police (who were useless to say the least) and put together a plan for me. He urged me to tell my parents and get them to help me. I resisted for a long time until I was given an ultimatum- either tell them or he wouldn't be able to spend time with us as a family as he felt uncomfortable hiding it and lying to them.

To cut a long story short I did tell my parents, and they loaned me a huge amount of money to pay off a loan that was generating a substantial amount of interest monthly. I had already got all the card debts onto interest free (much of it thanks to info that my other half sourced from here) and slowly I am pulling myself out of the situation. I nearly lost everything- my home, my family, and my self respect. I still don’t have that, and whilst I can’t turn back the clock I hate myself for what I allowed myself to get into. Without my parents I wouldn’t be where I am, and I cannot express how grateful I am to them, and how much it means to me. I was lucky- they have the money to do that. If I take one thing away from this it is that my parents were there for me but I can never allow myself to get into a similar situation again (not that I could as my now partner is so hot on everything) and I can never abuse what they have given me. By requesting money over and over again the person in question is not accepting any consequences for their actions. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. No one can tell you what to do in a situation like this, but you have to wonder if there is an underlying cause for getting into debt and do they need help. A parent won’t be there forever, and eventually everyone needs to stand on their own two feet.

alittlemadam

I would say no, sometimes no matter how hard it is she needs to learn and stand on her own two feet and be responsible for her actions she is afterall an adult.

I dont fully know your daughters predicament but you really need to sit her down and assess her situation and make sure she gets some help or ask her to get a second job.

When I was little growing up I was always taught by my parents to always make sure I had money in the bank for a rainy day, never to get into debt, never have any loans and always always live within my means.

I took my parents advice have never been in debt apart from my mortagage, no credit cards, no loans, if I couldnt afford something I did without or scrimped and saved as much as I could to be able to make the purchase.

knackered_ninja

No question to me,always help close family members. People do learn eventually,I've bailed all my brothers out at some point last century and all 3 are now very comfortable.
Kids are still at home and expect a lot for little butt I'm there Dad and i hope to think I would always help.

jgriggle

Every good parent wants to help out their children as best they can. It would probably do her good to have the shock of the bailiffs visit otherwise she'll never learn how to manage her money if she knows she'll get a bail out.

However, assuming you are in a position to bail her out and want to do so I'd lend her the money (to save on interest and bank charges etc.)

Make it clear it's a LOAN, not a bail out and attach non-negotiable conditions:

1) ALL credit cards/store cards etc. should be cut up and accounts closed. She should only have a debit card.

2) Agree to work out a realistic monthly budget for her based on her income. A small amount (say £30) should go into a savings account.

3) Agree a monthly amount for her to pay you back. This should be done by standing order, on payday. That way she can't miss payments. All existing direct debits should be moved to payday as well so that bills are paid before she can get hold of the money.

4) You should have access to her online banking - if she signs up for any more credit cards/store cards/loans/mobile phones etc. you'll be able to see it on the statements. Cash withdrawals should be justified to you.

5) Make it very clear that if she doesn't stick to her budget and runs out of money a week before payday, tough luck.

This worked on the then 25 year old son of someone I know. Because he was able to get his head above water, and knew exactly what was coming in and going out each month rather than being hit by unexpected bank charges, he was able to save a little each month. He complained at the time about being treated like a child but is now debt free and has a bit of money tucked away as well.

Drunk_Monkey

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

As someone who was bailed out by parents I will tell you this:

I didn't learn, at all, until one day I rang my parents upset. Desperate to borrow money and they turned round and said no. It was the kick up the back side I needed. We were in 32k worth of debt. That was 7 years ago - I'm now debt free (fella free!) and own my house and have savings (and even a pension!) I can support me and my kids and we go on 2 vacations every year now

You might think you are helping by bailing her out - you aren't.

If she wanted to sort herself out she would - instead of throwing money at her, throw her into the DFW board and let her help herself

32k worth of debt is an absolute disgrace and expecting anyone to cover *that much money* is an insult. If you asked me that, I wouldn't talk to you again for years ...

2k, on the other hand, is not that much. I think the parents should bail out their daughter and have a serious discussion about the situation, and arranging a payment plan. I suspect that this didn’t happened in a serious way after the last two bailouts. The effect of a CCJ or default on a credit file is catastrophic, and she is still young.

Fujiko

dillydilly wrote: »

'course you should, and think about giving her help with a deposit to buy somewhere. You're living free of mortgage in your fancy detached worth over £400k that you bought for under £100k, no wonder kids in the 20s are struggling. There's been a huge transfer of wealth over the past 20 years and it worries me how people in their 20s are going to get established at all.

I see a lot of 20 year olds and I would say very few of them are struggling. They all have up-market mobiles, fairly new cars, holidays and plenty of money for what must be very expensive nights out- which seem to involve getting legless - once or more times a week. I suspect many of them have credit card debts at the same level as the daughter in the question. They are amazed which we tell them that the only money we ever borrowed was for our mortgage. If you can't afford it don't have it and live within your means.
Yes, its tough saving for a deposit on a house but it never has been easy. We had no help with buying ours and would never have dreamed of asking our parents for money for anything. We did it by over a year of hard saving at the end of which we were able to put down a deposit of around thirty percent on our first house. I accept that house prices seem to have gone mad but the deposit required is now I think as low as five percent and mortgage interest at an all-time low. We had to cope with rates which at one time went to fourteen percent!

To return to the question, I would want to know exactly why my daughter had got into debt for the third time and what she had been spending her money on. Tough love may well be the best for her in the long run if it makes her take responsibility for herself. She is not a child.

gloriouslyhappy

knackered_ninja wrote: »

No question to me,always help close family members. People do learn eventually,I've bailed all my brothers out at some point last century and all 3 are now very comfortable.
Kids are still at home and expect a lot for little butt I'm there Dad and i hope to think I would always help.

Indeed, always help family and close friends, but the help needn't take the form of loans or handouts - as many others have said, sometimes the best form of help is not financial but practical advice, otherwise they might never learn from their mistakes and then you just become an enabler.

It's lovely that you bailed out your brothers, but you don't say how many times, and in this case, OP has already bailed out her daughter twice and is being asked - expected - to do so again, which is setting a pattern for the future unless corrected now. Saying 'no' can be the smartest move - it's HOW you do it that counts!