Should I bail my daughter out again?

gingerjo100

Definitely you should bail her out if you can afford it. 1. She may genuinely be budgeting but just doesn't earn enough to cover her bills. 2. She may fall out with you if you don't and is it worth that if you have the money to spare? 3. Don't forget, she will probably choose the care home you end up in!

gloriouslyhappy

Time for tough love - you've bailed her out twice already, now you're being asked a third time. If you don't say no now, it'll be thirty-third time soon..

Say no, and offer to accompany her to the local Citizen's Advice Bureau for professional help.

wiltsguy_2

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

As someone who was bailed out by parents I will tell you this:

I didn't learn, at all, until one day I rang my parents upset. Desperate to borrow money and they turned round and said no. It was the kick up the back side I needed. We were in 32k worth of debt. That was 7 years ago - I'm now debt free (fella free!) and own my house and have savings (and even a pension!) I can support me and my kids and we go on 2 vacations every year now

You might think you are helping by bailing her out - you aren't.

If she wanted to sort herself out she would - instead of throwing money at her, throw her into the DFW board and let her help herself

totally agree and well done!

irishlad82

There has already been many replies on this for you to think about.. so what I would do is irrelevant.
I think the right answer will really depend on your own type of character and the type of relationship you have with your daughter already.. That will tell you what approach to take - the soft or more harsher one.

In the end the objective is to prevent going through this a fourth time, right?

System

It would depend what the debt was spent on, if it’s food and bills then I would help where I could but encourage money saving, if it's frivolities and clothing etc. then I would let the bailiffs turn up. I’m personally 22 and live in the most expensive area of the country on a relatively low wage… I have had to learn to budget and it was really difficult for the first 6 months but now I manage my money better than ever. I never asked people to ‘bail me out’ because I wasn’t silly enough to let it get out of control, at 23 we are old enough to fend for ourselves.

(The family debt in my signature wasn't a bail out, it was a kind gesture so I could have a more reliable car - I wasn't in debt)

Primrose

The only lessons worth learning are those learnt the hard way, so No, don't bail your daughter out a third time. Point her in the direction of the debt counselling agencies. She's an adult now. Also perhaps encourage her to perhaps increase her qualifications over time so that she can aspire eventually to higher paid job.

Jenevievejai

This happened to me with my son. The first time was fine but then he ran up another debt and i paid that reluctantly. The next debt i left to him and he got evicted from his flat.

What i learned was if we don't allow our children to become responsible they will always remain irresponsible. I felt terrible when my son got evicted but he learned a valuable lesson and changed his ways. They have to stand on their own two feet and feel the error of their ways.

dillydilly

elsien wrote: »

Meanwhile back in the real world where many of us live in either rented or unfancy non-detached much less than 400k houses, just how are you anticipating someone who can't manage to budget at all is going to be able to pay a mortgage? Or do you think the OP should bail them out when they get repossessed, as well.
Get over yourself.

ooh, rude, and harsh...
given only 30% of houses have a mortgage on them, that makes 70% owned outright, that's about 17m houses valued on average around £180k ? that's the real world, many people over 50 (and I'm guessing thats the age of people with a 23yr old daughter) are sitting on significant wealth, they need to stop buying their extravagant cars and holidays and pass it to the next generation. The 'I've worked hard all my life' defence doesn't wash, most of that wealth has come from house price appreciation

N1AK

gingerjo100 wrote: »

Definitely you should bail her out if you can afford it. 1. She may genuinely be budgeting but just doesn't earn enough to cover her bills. 2. She may fall out with you if you don't and is it worth that if you have the money to spare? 3. Don't forget, she will probably choose the care home you end up in!

If it's 1. then bailing her out now, a third time, won't resolve the problem. She'll have to bail them out a 4th, 5th... 30th time unless their circumstances change.

If it's 2. then how exactly do you think the relationship between parent and child will go when the parent has spent so much bailing them out that they themselves have financial issues?

As to 3. if the daughter doesn't get her finances under control then all the money that would have paid for a decent care home will have gone on bailing them out.

- - -
Giving money, or not giving money, isn't a question of being kind vs being nasty; nor is it a question of how much you love your children. Doing something that is bad for your children long term because it's easier in the short term isn't what a loving parent should do; which is why this kind of question is generally nuanced.

Teacher2

It would be easy to bail your daughter out but she would have learnt nothing. She needs to learn to budget and take responsibility for her spending. It seems odd to say so, but you should only be prepared to lend money to those who don't need it. Keep the two grand for a 'back up' and be prepared to bail her out as a last resort if (and only if) she takes steps to sort out her own financial mess. If you pay her debts without any penalty on her side she'll be in debt again in no time. It is harsh to say it but she needs to 'feel the fear'.