is my husband hiding money?

fairy_lights

I do find it odd that a couple with children, on what sounds like quite a low income, would so rarely discuss their finances that one doesn't even know what the other earns or has left over.

Guest101

I've been giving this a lot of thought. So let's role reverse for a second.

A woman comes on here, says I work full time. I earn 18k a year. My husband recently started working part time. Around 14 hours, but as he has looked after the kids also gets CB and WTC/CTC. I pay for everything except the rent. My husband pays that, and has some spends left over. I budget the rest for a family of 6, with no input from him. We have debts and loans, cars, sky, etc. don't go without.

My husband works evenings, so after work I look after the kids.

Today I got an email asking me if I'd had a wage increase ( I did get a small increase, about 2%). I think he now wants me to contribute to more of the rent.

- this forum would slate that man to high heaven. Yet that's the exact situation with genders reversed.

Absolutely beggars belief.

mumof4littleguys

Ok I tried to talk to my husband when the children were in bed tonight. I wrote down all mu income and outgoings. My outgoings didnt include and personal items for myself only the rent and school meals. I showed him it left me with £14 for the week.
I asked him to do the same. He said he isnt dure what wages he gets each month. I asked him 4 times to give me a rouhh estimate of his income and each time he made the excuse he isnt sute and couldn't tell me.
He refused to sit down with me and write down all our income and outgoings to tdy and worka fairer system but he said its fair now as its my fault for not putting money away last year when I was getting wages and ctc. Fair point I guess.
He said he has 'roughly' £250 a month for himself but thats ok as he works full time and I only work part time.
For the record he does nothing around the home. When he gets in from work he just lays on the sofa and falls asleep while I cook, wash up, tidy and get our 4 children ready for bed.even at the weekend he does no household chores ever.
This is my own fault anyway for not being better prepared and hes right about that.

mumof4littleguys

Im sorry for the typos. My arthritis is playing up.

Listerbelle

Start making an exit plan

-taff

Are you sure he;s your husband and not just a lodger who fathered some kids?

The blame game is silly. If he isn't willing to discuss your joint finances, which, as a couple, I would expect, as you are married with children, I'm not sure where you go from there.

IMO, if two people are together, and are committed to each other, and have children with each other, why are they not joining their finaces together?

I understand you only work part time, but that part time work presumably covers the tmes when the children are in school and if you worked full time, you'd need a childminder of sorts, which would take a big chunk of any potential earnings.

Speak to him again, I'm not holding out any hope he'll be willing to discuss antyhing, which is going to leave you with choices to make.

yvonne13_2

Your husband doesn't know how much he earns a month??? So I take it he doesn't get wage slips.....OP you need toeither split everthing 50/50 or you need to find a full time job.

I would never use ctc to pay the rent that money is for the children only.

You've also stated that your husband is lazy etc yet you enable it. I hope you get things sorted out soon OP, sometimes you're best off on your own.

FBaby

How is it your fault? You decided to go back to work left to believe that you would have more diposable income as a result. Unfortunately, you did have the right information to know that this would be the case.

Married people are entitled to handle their finances as they see fit. No right or wrong way to do it. What is wrong, very wrong, is when one is left with more disposable income than the other and is unwilling to re-assess the agreed system if it is coming to light that it is not fair. Your OH clearly doesn't believe in this. Can you live hapilly with this? I do agree with most posters that it is a form of control and therefore a form of abuse.

ecgirl07

OP its not your fault. Tell him to get his last 3 bank statements to help. If he doesnt have them sign up for internet banking. In the meantime have a look at how mse advises to do a statement of affairs in which everything is listed including personal items. Pitch this all in the light of a financial overhaul to see if as a household you can start saving for the kids or a holiday etc

Your oh needs to know you are serious if you feel this is going to be a growing resentment....

Toxicity

I understand we all do things differently but I couldn't live like that, not knowing what my OH earns while I struggle to afford things for the children weekly? not gonna happen. You need to both sit down with wage slips, work out all of your outgoings and compare them to what you both have coming in and then share it as equally as possible. The whole "I should be allowed more disposable than you because I work full time and you don't" is somewhat understandable, although very selfish and when children are involved it is just really sad.

I'm not going to sit here telling you to leave him ASAP, I am sure many others will. If he won't be decent about this at the very least find out how much child care will cost if you get a full time job and write a list sharing out the extra expense and responsibilities he will have to help with once you do work full time, like looking after the children, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, bed time routines etc. Never know, it might help him see sense.