Can't find a partner in/around same/similar area

cashewnut

Jenny484 wrote: »

What kind of comment is this..... it's got nothing to do with cultural interpretation, the OP is just rude.

I assumed it was just a troll/xenophobic comment!

justme111

Jenny484 wrote: »

What kind of comment is this..... it's got nothing to do with cultural interpretation, the OP is just rude.

Op said i misunderstood him due to me being prude molly coddled British , so one can not win:D
He plays rough and ready part in this thread hence rudeness. He made himself vulnerable by posting and when smug people like me with patronising posts replied he understandably did not appreciate it so resorted to rudeness in his defensive attitude. To be fair he was not rude all the time , I did like his ironic "oh enlightened" comment.
Op , on topic :
A few observations on your opening post.
-you say you don't feel settled in your town now. How does it relate to dating ? Relationship is not a solution for feeling unsettled in a place one inhabits. When relationships are used as means to sort something it usually does not work.

- if you lived in Shetland I would say yes widening the distance is needed. In your case if you live in a big city it is obviously not the issue unless you are a very peculiar person - an immigrant for from the culture very different to local in predominantly British town for example. If you , being a usual normal person can not find someone in a million people town , broadening the search to 50 millions is unlikely to change anything. It would be either what you looking for or how you looking for it or your expectations of timeframes that are not realistic. It may be that you think you need a relationship but in reality your main need is something else. It may be that the impact of last relationships makes it impossible for you to form a good new one even if you need and want it. Etc etc. In short - it is anything else but distance. I have witnessed a friend forming a very strong and long bond with a woman s from USA , to such an extent that everything else in his life had taken a second place. At times people prefer to live in imaginary world . It is up to you to figure out what is happening in your head, it is not easy and may look impossible . My guess is that you do not have a good support network in a place where you are and you are looking for a relationship to plug that hole.

-you say that it is long distance that worked for you previously - apart from possible issues why you may have preferred long distance - they did not work , otherwise you would not be single.

- criteria. Thats an interesting topic. On one hand without criteria it would be impossible to do online dating. On another I think criteria are limiting. Why do you think that if once or twice or 20 times you liked lets say women who slim it will be the same all the times in the future ? (No axe to grind there , i am slim and sporty myself ). Or if you happened to get on with women who were blond you would not get on with dark haired one ? In my experience people often want certain traits in their partners because those traits make them feel good . People who feel good about themselves tend to have fewer demands to what their partner should be.

- timescales. 10 months is an awfully short time to expect any outcome.

All the above said from experience as I used to be on dating site for years on and off and went through similar emotions and seen many others sharing similar frustrations so this topic is close to my heart

Phew.

justme111

cashewnut wrote: »

I assumed it was just a troll/xenophobic comment!

Gloomanddoom would not do troll/xenophobic comments

cashewnut

justme111 wrote: »

Gloomanddoom would not do troll/xenophobic comments

Then how would you describe his comment to me?

justme111

Too little information to have an opinion for me. Mind , I may be wrong.

catoutthebag

Apologies if I was rude or offended anyone. It was not my intention.

I have been going through difficult times lately, but it is no excuse.

I thought I'd add some context.

I just bought my first new place. It's my second week living alone. It's nice, but been stressful and takes some getting used to.

I moved back 10 months ago after the girl I loved deeply broke it off. We were together nearly 4 years. I wasn't totally happy in the relationship myself, but I was grief stricken. These feelings of grief have been rearing themselves recently.

I'm not looking for a replacement or a plaster.

I think I was 'lucky' I met her about 2 months after my previous relationship? Which is where a subconscious time frame may appear.

Agree 10 months is not a long time.

I have some friends and hobbies. But have taken on board the meetup thing.

I have been on dates with about a dozen girls. I rejected a few other dates too. I would say one of the dozen has come close to what I like in a person. ...things were gearing up for a second date, but cold feet her end.

so I can attract people 'locally', but seem to have better online conversations from people outside my geographic location (eg further up north) - not always, just sometimes, maybe a weird quirk.

I feel done with long distance, but at the same time feel a bit stifled that I've (kinda, sort of) ruled it out based on past experience and current circumstances.

I'm not picky, but know what I like.

I feel I have a sufficient support network in places. Things are patchy with parents though.

I didn't particularly like where I lived with my ex. But I miss the green space and lack of traffic being back in the big city. I feel I could outgrow things quickly. At the same time, everywhere has pros and cons and being back is a bit of a comfort blanket.

As I say, I'm not a giant, and for some women it rules out people who are not tall or muscley (which is cool because we all have filters).

So anyway I appreciate the advice given.