OH hates my new accent...

downhillfast

Ok, I think I need to clarify a few things...

balletshoes wrote: »

if, in her job, she had a problem with someone's accent, would she have to tell them they sounded like a farmer, or they sounded thick, for example? If she can cope with that at work, I don't think theres any excuse for her being rude to you for the same thing.

She doesn't have a problem with accents per se... just the fact that mine has changed and she irrationally thinks I have control over this... my vowel sounds may have become more rounded and I occassionally drop my 'h' (which might be more of a southern thing tbh!) These specific things are now trigger sounds for her.

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like she has a serious problem, but it may not be the one she believes she has.

Really don't know what this means?

tea_lover wrote: »

I do agree that there's no excuse for speaking to you the way she has. However, there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding here about misophonia and the effect it has on your state on mind.

It's like saying to someone with depression "well, you manage to turn up to work and get through the day so why can't you just cheer up at home". Sometimes holding it together outside of the home takes all of your reserves and it's your loved ones that bear the brunt. To repeat - I'm not saying that's acceptable, I'm saying it's understandable. Particularly when you add pg hormones into the mix.

It's hard to describe how some trigger sounds make me feel - it's a combination of pure rage and crawling ants under my skin. It's just awful.

Exactly. Its also not just a case of 'tell her to get treatment'... as with any mental condition whether it be addiction, depression etc the sufferer has to fully accept they have a problem and want to get better - I suspect that in the back of my partner's mind she attributes some of it to 'high standards' rather than being irrational... and it is this that is holding her back from seeking treatment.

tyllwyd

It sounds as if the OP is in an impossible situation - if he tries to change his accent, what if his partner decides that that is also unacceptable? I can't help thinking that probably his accent hasn't changed that much, it's just that his partner has decided she doesn't like something and is having a go at him about it. I don't think this is something the OP can fix - either she needs to make the decision to try to relax and stop snapping at him, or he needs to make a decision either to put up with it or leave.

downhillfast

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I can see why pollypenny put what she did. If she's been suffering from this for nine years, then why doesn't she go and get diagnosed and then get some help with it?

Bit rude to suddenly interrupt you mid sentence OP, and I'd be telling her that.

We have been together for nine years but we only realised she in all likeliness had this condition within the last year when her sister saw an article. We had always suspected it was either some kind of mild OCD or autism type condition - which other things she does also point towards... but wasn't anywhere near as bad then as it is now.

lostinrates

tea_lover wrote: »

It's hard to describe how some trigger sounds make me feel - it's a combination of pure rage and crawling ants under my skin. It's just awful.

I think this describes it very well. Including that 'its just awful' or as i might try and remind my self its JUST awful. Nothing good comes from acting on it, where as lots bad can happen from letting the rage take form as an onward action to another or words blurting out that later always demand an apology.

If you have a partner who is prepared to understand misophonia, and op seems more than willing to bend over...may be too far?, to be considerate, then it helps a huge amount. Its perfectly possible to be misophonic, or have any other type of condition, and also be a tad controlling or bossy. Being 'sufferers' does not mean we cannot make others 'victims' unfairly. It might even be that those of us whose environments impact on us might be prone to try and control for self preservation, it occurs to me. Hmm.

Great, understanding partners are great help. My dh helps me set up the room and choose good music, make sure we get a suitable table etc in restaurants to help make my life as easy as possible . I cannot claim not to have ever snapped at him unfortunatley, but the second i have done my heart drops into my stomach and i apologise immeadiately. I recognise its NOT him, its me, its not even my misophonia, its me, not having a handle on it. If he suffered from anger managment issues, no one would excuse him the snap, and i see no difference really.

The ants might rage, but it is JUST awful if we stay in control and need only impact on us.

downhillfast

lostinrates wrote: »

I am misophonic. I read what other misophonics write sometimes and get very upset both for their suffering and also for the excuses made for themselves/ their behaviour.

I have managed to get through social occasions without crying, without being rude to my spouse and people whose manners are well below normal not just normal yet noise irritating to me. I recognise my misophonia as MY issue and have developed coping techniques to manage.

Meals at our home are always taken with music playing if i am not eating alone. Vibrant discussion and debate are encouraged, so my brain is focused on things other than noise, and i try and ensure i sit some where with a good view. On the occasions it feels very difficult for me to cope because i am very stretched i don't eat with them. Sometimes i am able to sit and have a drink of water and chat loudly, other times i miss a meal, or take something quietly later. I cannot imagine sitting in tears and making other people feel bad about MY problem.

For me the issues are always harder at home than out, which does suggest an element of 'control' around them, or some thing to do with stress or relaxation or relationships. But its certainly not only that. The pitch of gas metres for example, is enough to set me on edge ( though not into fits) any where, some electrical noises etc.

I think a key difference is that at home its helpful to have some time to relax and be off guard against constant defence from noise attack.

However, there is a huge diffee nce between distaste for noise ( my misophonia is the typical biological noises, eating, breathing etc and man made noices ( equipent, road noise, beeps, buzzing, and....depressingly, electic wires / pylons in the rain:mad:, high pitched screams, teen alarms etc ) and having a go at your partner for his accent. An accent is different from pitch or timbre.

I find the more i 'pander' to my misaphonia the more irritable and unhappy it has the power to make me.

Your situation does actually sound very like ours tbh... the whole meals at home with music, or in our case the tv on at what I find to be more than a smidge above confortable!

OH more often than not eats on a tray in a different room when we are staying with her folks now which does work obviously, but always makes for that uncomfortable 'oh I do wish she could eat with us' conversation...

95% of the time social occassions are absolutely fine as OH has ways to avoid being in situations she knows will trigger it - when I said about her bursting out crying at a meal it was meant to highlight the fact that she isn't just fussy and that she doesn't have control over it... that was at a time when she wasn't aware that it was actually a problem and it caught her by surprise.

Buzzybee90

I would really like to know what this farmer accent is.

Farmer's rule.

lostinrates

downhillfast wrote: »

Your situation does actually sound very like ours tbh... the whole meals at home with music, or in our case the tv on at what I find to be more than a smidge above confortable!

OH more often than not eats on a tray in a different room when we are staying with her folks now which does work obviously, but always makes for that uncomfortable 'oh I do wish she could eat with us' conversation...

95% of the time social occassions are absolutely fine as OH has ways to avoid being in situations she knows will trigger it - when I said about her bursting out crying at a meal it was meant to highlight the fact that she isn't just fussy and that she doesn't have control over it... that was at a time when she wasn't aware that it was actually a problem and it caught her by surprise.

Giving it a name didn't change how i handle misophonia. I was brought up in quite a social environment where correct behaviour was important. I have always been misophonic, ( my parents remember finding pillows over various metres the first few nights in every house i stayed in with them). Giving it a name is not what gives control, its learning techniques, as your oh has to a degree. However, treating people poorly is not really a satisfactory outcome for you or, importantly her. It cannot make her feel good.

Edit: volume of noise need not be deafening imo, unless your table manners are poor. . One of the members of my family struggles with poor sinuses and i admit i find music a single notch higher a little soothing. But its below conversation level. And if i want it louder than normal i sacrifice my seat with a view and sit next to the speaker. ( again....the suffering is mine...i should sit next to the speaker).

downhillfast

lostinrates wrote: »

Giving it a name didn't change how i handle misophonia. I was brought up in quite a social environment where correct behaviour was important. I have always been misophonic, ( my parents remember finding pillows over various metres the first few nights in every house i stayed in with them). Giving it a name is not what gives control, its learning techniques, as your oh has to a degree. However, treating people poorly is not really a satisfactory outcome for you or, importantly her. It cannot make her feel good.

Edit: volume of noise need not be deafening imo, unless your table manners are poor. . One of the members of my family struggles with poor sinuses and i admit i find music a single notch higher a little soothing. But its below conversation level. And if i want it louder than normal i sacrifice my seat with a view and sit next to the speaker. ( again....the suffering is mine...i should sit next to the speaker).

I totally understand what you are saying about the name thing... for us though, finding out that this condition exists has allowed us to separate it (somewhat) from some of the other OCD related issues that OH exhibits and accept that it is an absolutely genuine issue. I am, luckily, a very patient person by nature but over the last few years it has definitely got worse... so much so that I would say 90% of any arguments we have revolve around some noise I (or someone else) has made. I just want her to fully throw herself into managing it in a way that doesn't fully inhibit our life.

downhillfast

lostinrates wrote: »

Edit: volume of noise need not be deafening imo, unless your table manners are poor. . One of the members of my family struggles with poor sinuses and i admit i find music a single notch higher a little soothing. But its below conversation level. And if i want it louder than normal i sacrifice my seat with a view and sit next to the speaker. ( again....the suffering is mine...i should sit next to the speaker).

Now, I have never had anybody question my table manners yet my OH is convinced I am a noisy eater! She will not accept that some foods cannot be eaten without the food itself making a noise eg if you break a crisp in half with your fingers it will make a cracking noise... yet she expects me to be able to 'break' one in my mouth with no 'crack' noise!!! You would not believe how long it takes to eat a packet of crisps infront of her... and then I get grief for being slow and prolonging her agony! lol

onlyroz

downhillfast wrote: »

Now, I have never had anybody question my table manners yet my OH is convinced I am a noisy eater! She will not accept that some foods cannot be eaten without the food itself making a noise eg if you break a crisp in half with your fingers it will make a cracking noise... yet she expects me to be able to 'break' one in my mouth with no 'crack' noise!!! You would not believe how long it takes to eat a packet of crisps infront of her... and then I get grief for being slow and prolonging her agony! lol

Surely she must realise that she needs help if she can't bear to be present while somebody considerately eats a bag of crisps. Many people find lip-smacking or slobbering noises distasteful to the point of feeling nauseous but you are describing a much more extreme reaction than that. While I can sympathise with her condition (the ants-crawling-under-the-skin analogy is spot-on) it is not fair that she allows it to impact on the whole family in this way without being willing to seek help.