Divorcing the debt and the fella.

Bobarella

Congratulations on your job! And everything else. You sound like you are doing incredibly well.

NotNormal

themarsbargirl wrote: »

This is excellent! I am so pleased for you! On friday I am the warehouse supervisor for the whole afternoon at foodbank....eeek! Looking forward to it, but anxious about timings because we won't have the car and with my therapy group it means cutting it very tight,

Depending on how badly you need the mental health support, I would just refuse to move until they put in an urgent referral for you (it's what I did at the beginning of March when I went into crisis) If it is just to restart your medication can your GP start you on that? Especially as you have it in your history that you were on it? I wish you the best of luck with it!

I am so so proud of you for not cutting when you had that disturbing thought :T:T:T I've had my own battles with self-harm and I know just how hard it can be to resist it at times.

You are doing amazingly, like you said, compare it to last year when you were in (what sounds like) a similar place and look how brilliantly you are doing this year!

Lots and lots of safe hugs and love my sweet.

And as Churchill said (at least in Doctor Who) just keep b*ggering on

Thank you. And eek! Well done! Good luck for Friday. And grrr to having to cut things tight, it's frustrating isn't it?

I don't need the mental health team at the second, I'm doing okay. But I am aware of my warning signs and would rather push and get all the support in place now while I'm okay, rather than waiting until it's too late and I'm in a bad place. Does that make sense?

I did mention medication to the GP before, he isn't sure what he can prescribe until he see's what I was on and dosage. Which is why he said he would wait until they got my medical records through. It takes about 2 weeks. It's been more than that now so hopefully that should be possible!

I'm super proud of myself for the self harm part too. I knew I needed some form of physical pain. Well when I clean the bathroom my back hurts, but fades off after a little while. So I decided if I did that I essentially was allowing myself some pain, but being productive. Similar to how some people go running when things are stressing them out. A little pain, a little distraction and it gives your brain chance to level itself out.

I love my comparison to last year, I knew I was doing better but laying it all out like that made me feel brilliant!

I start tomorrow, a little bit nervous! I have to go clothes shopping on Saturday and the job centre gave me a certificate for Matalan, but having a look online they don't have a huge selection of work stuff. And they are limited on sizes. I think I'll just wait until Saturday when we go to the store, see what they have. If nothing else I should be able to get my trousers and shoes from them. If need be I'll then go to primark or something and grab a couple smart shirts. Have looked at the budget for this month and I do have some spare money.

Bobarella wrote: »

Congratulations on your job! And everything else. You sound like you are doing incredibly well.

Thank you so much. I think I'm doing well, only time will tell though.

To do list-
July Budget Spreadsheet!!
Hoover
Tidy Coffee Table
Move Scratching Post!!!

Bobarella

That is true, but I think you should acknowledge your efforts so far too. Success isnt just the end result, its the ability to keep on slogging, which you are, and for that I applaud you.

themarsbargirl

Mental health team makes perfect sense...can ur GP refer you inhouse for counselling while you wait?

It's not tight anymore...Dad mentioned it to the other church leader who is gonna drive us, have his meeting with Dad while I'm theraped and then bring us back which is win win for both Dad and me cuz it frees up the time otherwise spent on the meeting for marking!

NotNormal

Bobarella wrote: »

That is true, but I think you should acknowledge your efforts so far too. Success isnt just the end result, its the ability to keep on slogging, which you are, and for that I applaud you.

I am starting to celebrate the small battles. Because of my health I don't cope with walking far, but I manage to walk to and from work now where as before I would need a few breaks. That's huge progress and I'm really proud of myself.

I'm managing to juggle things fine and handling being around people better. I actually made a couple of friends at work which has been nice. Today is my day off, had to run some errands and see the doctor. Didn't get down to the doctors though as had zero luck phoning for an appointment! My friend is going to help when she gets home. Luckily they are open 8am-8pm so we will try and get an appointment for after work. She's normally home by 6-7pm, but can get off work a little bit early if we can get an appointment between 6-8pm. It does mean that I'm now out of hayfever tablets though.

themarsbargirl wrote: »

Mental health team makes perfect sense...can ur GP refer you inhouse for counselling while you wait?

It's not tight anymore...Dad mentioned it to the other church leader who is gonna drive us, have his meeting with Dad while I'm theraped and then bring us back which is win win for both Dad and me cuz it frees up the time otherwise spent on the meeting for marking!

I'm not a huge fan of counselling, I need to get set up with a therapist and occupational therapist again. Then the plan is to get me medicated and work out my care plan, safety measures etc. Then once my life is in a better order (stable job etc) we can discuss when I can consider coming back off medication. The idea is to just keep trying. Each time I'll get a better feel of my limits and get stronger, then we can work out what medication I can have on hand for just in case and work on handling my disorder without.

Well today I did some grocery shopping, spent a little more than I had planned but some stuff was a bit of a stock up and will last longer than a week (frozen veg, ham etc).

I also spent £24 on other stuff. A bedding set I wanted was £15, reduced to £7.50 so I snapped it up. I bought a new hairbrush, mine has such a tiny handle it's a struggle to use. I got a new photo keyring because my old one broke (got a cute one reduced from £5 to £2!), a vintage style photo frame. And my personal favourite.. Last year at my old job I "purchased" a bobble bottle (filters water as you drink). I say "purchased" because it wouldn't work while scanning, so they removed it and forgot to re-enter it. When I told them and offered to pay for it they said to keep it as it was their error. So having already been a brilliant deal as it was £2 off, I then got it for free.

How does that come into today? Well every few months (around 6 months or so) you need to replace the filter. They are about £5 each, depending on where you look. While in the supermarket my friend spotted a blue one (I currently have blue) and reminded me, I spotted it was £4 so grabbed one. Then noticed the label. It was reduced to £2 due to the box being slightly damaged. We then found another 4! So spent £10 for 5 filters, instead of 2! I have blue, red and pink ones haha.

Bobarella

Hi NN
Glad you have made a couple of friends at work, thats nice to hear. Hope you can get hold of your hayfever tablets soon must be a pain to run out in this sort of weather.

Bob

NotNormal

Well I actually took a downward spiral and tried to kill myself. I managed to resist with a lot of support from my friend and am now signed off, been moved to ESA and have medication. Mental health team have sent me a letter with my appointment on it for August. Although this means I'm now around £100 down a month because I lose the disability premium. Now if this was happening in December it would be fine as that's when I stop paying £100 a month for my tuition but I will figure something out.

On the plus side I have just paid the final installment of the my debt repayments to the water company. So that's one debt down, eight to go. I can do this!

I'm also really ill right now, I spent the last 24 hours with a killer migraine and being sick which wasn't pleasant. Needed my inhaler more as well.

Thank god for my emergency fund though. I had £100 in it as of this month, but have needed the whole lot and looks like I may have to use some of my Christmas savings just while I wait for my ESA payments to start. But I will pay it all back and I figure it's better I do that than get in more debt (:

Bobarella

Oh god NN I really dont know what to say. I am so sorry you've been so low.
Thank goodness you are ok.

NotNormal

Bobarella wrote: »

Oh god NN I really dont know what to say. I am so sorry you've been so low.
Thank goodness you are ok.

My appointment went well, they have decided to keep me on antidepressants for now and they want to get me someone to talk about things with and do something called recovery college which is all about helping me learn to handle my anxiety so I control it instead of it controlling me.

Unfortunately during this time my cat got sick and the vet informed me there was nothing we could do, he had to be put to sleep. It broke my heart and I have cleared out my Christmas savings to get him cremated. His ashes just arrived last week in a gorgeous little urn with his name on.

I'm still around, just taking a step back from this for the moment. Just wanted to check in and say I'm still alive, still plugging away at the debts as best I can.

Hope everyone is okay

ani*fan

Hi there NN :wave:

I have just read through your diary and been inspired by your organisation and determination. Thanks so much for that.

Also, I'm so glad you are still here and are getting the help you need to continue your recovery. It sounds very much like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back sometimes. Your perseverance is admirable and I hope everything goes well for you.

I cried when I read about your cat. You loved him so much and took such good care of him, he couldn't have asked for any more. Animals are such good companions when humans feel like a bit too much, eh?

All the best for the coming weeks and do keep us updated with how you're getting on.

AFx