Moneysaving or being unreasonable?

dirty_magic

I just meant when the father is around! Lol being at home with a baby is always babysitting to me, whoever is doing it!

pollypenny

You said he didn't 'put you on the mortgage', OP.

Did you contribute to the deposit? What have you contributed to household furnishings and running expenses before you had your child?

He may be anxious about being the breadwinner, but the way he is acting is not healthy.

TBagpuss

On the face of it, this does sound like an abusive relationship. This kind of financial control is abusive, particularly if his reaction when you don't comply, or question the situation, is to lose his temper.
It is also very common for controlling or abusive behaviour to escalate over time, and the birth of a child is often a trigger for escalation, so there are a lot of worrying boxes ticked here.
Do look a the the Women's Aid site and see whether you recognise your situation.

All that said, if your fiance is willing to work on the relationship it may be possible to change things for the better - it is possible that part of his behaviour stems from fear. One option might be to see whether he would be willing to talk with a family counsellor to help the two of you to work on more effective communication, and to discuss financial issues.

Some things to consider might be:
Agreeing a joint budget, to cover things such as the mortgage and bills, food for a ll three of you, clothes and shoes for all three of you, joint savings for holidays and rainy days,etc.
Work out how much there is left after all those things have been covered and agree how that extra will be split so that each of you has some money for yourselves.

If he does take the view that he is the only one contributing it might be worth reminding him that you are effectively doing two full time jobs (nanny and housekeeper) and are providing care for his child

But if he is not willing to discuss the issue, or is not able to accept that his current behaviour is not reasonable or appropriate in a relationship, then you may have to accept that he is not going to change.

If you decide to leave, then he will have financial responsibilities for the child you have together.

jess1974

I've been married twice and have never shared a bank account with either husband.....i think money is a huge cause of conflict for couples and i prefer to keep mine seperately....mortgage and bills were shared out equally and we paid roughly 50% each but the rest was then ours to do with what we wished x

VfM4meplse

veeveexox wrote: »

I do love him apart from the money thing he is very sweet loving, just he goes in a bad mood if he can't save £100's or his savings take a hit, money is the only thing that makes him happy.

There has to be some give and take. Yes he is the breadwinner but he cannot be selfish with it if he wants to be part of a family. He obviously doesn't appreciate your role as a SAHM. Give him a copy of Spousonomics and then start talking.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

So what would YOU recommend the OP does? Beg for every penny she wants to spend?

How would YOU feel if you were her?

I would personally feel very insecure. Managing on child benefit and possibly losing the roof over your head by kissing goodbye to the "relationship" over a 30p bottle of cordial? Some men are just born mean, and you're never going to change them.

Mojisola

veeveexox wrote: »

he earns about 42k per year,

I'm currently a SAHM, the only money I have is child benefit

jess1974 wrote: »

I've been married twice and have never shared a bank account with either husband.....i think money is a huge cause of conflict for couples and i prefer to keep mine seperately....mortgage and bills were shared out equally and we paid roughly 50% each but the rest was then ours to do with what we wished x

They are keeping it separate - he has £42k and she has the child benefit!

*Robin*

Can't help wondering whether OP's partner had any say in the pregnancy. Was the child planned by both of them, or 'an accident' after not taking the mini-pill on time (or other contraceptive mishap)?

In many ways he is behaving like someone who had that control taken away from him, and his whole future changed because of what he might consider a betrayal.

Perhaps this man had envisioned getting financially stable before taking responsibility for a new life - which has been frustrated by events - then it's almost understandable that he's gone too far, is over-controlling now in trying to get to the place he wants to be?

If this is the situation, then communication is key. As OP's partner is unlikely to be willing to paying for couples counselling, perhaps his parents might be able to step in - if OP herself can open up to them.

Hope I'm wrong, but.. Well, accidental pregnancies aren't rare these days. Some men adapt better than others to unexpected fatherhood.

tea_lover

Mojisola wrote: »

They are keeping it separate - he has £42k and she has the child benefit!

And his £16k savings, and she's not allowed to spend 30p.

There's keeping things separate and there's being a controlling d.ick

lulu_92

*Robin* wrote: »

Can't help wondering whether OP's partner had any say in the pregnancy. Was the child planned by both of them, or 'an accident' after not taking the mini-pill on time (or other contraceptive mishap)?

In many ways he is behaving like someone who had that control taken away from him, and his whole future changed because of what he might consider a betrayal.

Perhaps this man had envisioned getting financially stable before taking responsibility for a new life - which has been frustrated by events - then it's almost understandable that he's gone too far, is over-controlling now in trying to get to the place he wants to be?

If this is the situation, then communication is key. As OP's partner is unlikely to be willing to paying for couples counselling, perhaps his parents might be able to step in - if OP herself can open up to them.

Hope I'm wrong, but.. Well, accidental pregnancies aren't rare these days. Some men adapt better than others to unexpected fatherhood.

That's irrelevant. If it was accidental and he didn't want the responsibility why would they be engaged and living together? Plus it's not just down to the woman in the relationship to sort contraception. It can't be her fault if a condom broke (contraception failure isn't anyone's fault unless someone is being deceitful)

Regardless of the intention of the pregnancy this guy is being bang out of order.

marywooyeah

duchy wrote: »

Was he always "over careful" with money -and it just didn't matter so much because you were earning too so had control over your own finances -or has he changed since the baby was born/you stopped contributing a wage to the home ?

Frankly as a student you'd be better off financially without him as he'd be paying child support on a fairly decent income and you'd still get student finance.

If it is as miserable as you say -then pop into CAB and get them to help you calculate where you'd stand financially -knowing you can manage without his grudging support may help you decide if this is an unchangable situation or not. Of course once he realizes the financial as well as emotional consequences if you do leave him may be enough to modify his rather odd behaviour and attitudes. Losing nearly 15% nett of his income in child support can be a wake up call !

Also you are engaged.......do you have firm wedding plans ......as he sounds like the sort of man who wouldn't want to get married as the house would then be half yours.

This qualifies as financial abuse - Women's Aid would also be able to counsel you on your options whether you choose to stay or leave .

Duchy is giving you some great advice here OP - I think you'd also get a load of Child Tax Credit and housing benefit on top of your bursary too so have a look on entitledto.com for an estimate.

The part I've highlighted in bold is not quite right though; if you were to marry you would gain matrimonial home rights affording you a legal right to reside in the property. You may well have actually already built up a constructive trust in the property, depending on whether you have contributed in any way to increasing the value of the house (eg DIY) or if there was an express agreement that the house would be held on trust for both of you even though it's in his name.

If I were you I'd get down to your GP and report this domestic abuse. If your GP agrees that you are suffering from a condition attributable to domestic abuse you would be eligible for Legal Help and Public Funding if your DF chose to pursue contact with your child.

If sounds like you are going through a lot, but well done for getting a place on the degree. It's a hard slog, but you are building a good life for you and your child and that's highly commendable. Good luck with everything