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Moneysaving or being unreasonable?

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  • mildredalien
    mildredalien Posts: 1,057 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
    That's a pretty controlling attitude to have about money. Obviously we only know one small thing about him and your relationship, but it doesn't seem like a very healthy way to behave with your partner.

    It could be that he is genuinely worried about money or is experiencing financial problems that you don't know about. Does he realise how this is affecting you and how it could affect your child and your relationship? Have you told him how it feels to be constantly nitpicked about every penny you spend when he earns plenty? He earns way over the median wage for the UK so you should be in a relatively comfortable financial position.

    Also this attitude of 'the money is mine, I work for it while you sit at home' (presumably filing your nails and watching daytime TV while your child takes care of him/herself??) is frankly stoneage and definitely unreasonable. It doesn't seem like a very good basis for a happy marriage or a partnership.
    Savings target: £25000/£25000
    :beer: :T


  • meritaten
    meritaten Posts: 24,158 Forumite
    I had to go away and come back again! This couple are supposed to be in relationship - share and share alike is my take on that. some years he may earn more - others she may. it could even out over the years. or god forbid he may become jobless - would HE like it if OP wielded the financial power?
    BUT, they have a daughter and he wont even support her? he isn't even supporting his partner. and 'going crazy' if she asks for money.......words fail me!
    this IS financial abuse. OP has two choices here - either make him realise that while you are not working you are not idly sitting around spending his money - or you decide if you want to live in fear of him and his financially controlling ways the rest of your life, and decide to leave and make a better life for you and your child.
    What is down the road a few years? child care is down to you now - is that going to change and he will fork out for child care to allow you to study and work? or will that be your responsibility too? what about school trips, expenses, etc?


    oh and you say he earns 42k? and has just 16k in the bank with a mortgage of £380? something here isn't adding up - where is the rest going?
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,691 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Note to OP. Asking for any advice, on this forum, regarding relationships WILL result in most replies encouraging you to end the relationship!

    Well, of course. People are less likely to ask for advice about a gloriously happy and supportive relationship.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • SeduLOUs
    SeduLOUs Posts: 2,171 Forumite
    theoretica wrote: »
    Well, of course. People are less likely to ask for advice about a gloriously happy and supportive relationship.

    I've lived with my boyfriend for four years. Other than the annual 'no-reason' shout at each other (usually tipsy) over nothing in particular we never argue. We earn pretty different amounts, but all of our money goes into a joint account and we decide together the best way to spend or not spend it. We take an equal amount of 'pocket month' each month to do with as we wish, now I just give him a raised eyebrow when he buys an expensive glossy mag and he does the same when I buy cigarettes.

    He cooks every night because I hate doing it and he seems to like it - I do the washing up afterwards. Other household duties are shared relatively equally, but since I've started studying on top of working full time he has happily picked up a slightly bigger share of the housework so that I can get on with my homework.

    Should I leave him?
  • veeveexox
    veeveexox Posts: 13 Forumite
    *Robin* wrote: »
    Can't help wondering whether OP's partner had any say in the pregnancy. Was the child planned by both of them, or 'an accident' after not taking the mini-pill on time (or other contraceptive mishap)?

    In many ways he is behaving like someone who had that control taken away from him, and his whole future changed because of what he might consider a betrayal.

    Perhaps this man had envisioned getting financially stable before taking responsibility for a new life - which has been frustrated by events - then it's almost understandable that he's gone too far, is over-controlling now in trying to get to the place he wants to be?

    If this is the situation, then communication is key. As OP's partner is unlikely to be willing to paying for couples counselling, perhaps his parents might be able to step in - if OP herself can open up to them.

    Hope I'm wrong, but.. Well, accidental pregnancies aren't rare these days. Some men adapt better than others to unexpected fatherhood.



    I didn't get pregnant by myself you know!! and she's almost 2 so hes had near on 3 years to get used to the idea, he does love her plays with her etc, I was taking the pill and had a sickness bug, I now have the implant so no chance of another surprise I sat him down tonight and he said he felt scared of the responsibility of supporting us both but he realises he's being unreasonable, when I start my course it's for the good of the family eventually meaning extra money coming in every month, We went shopping tonight and he bought some stuff quite happily,

    I don't think it will last I went to the council today to talk about housing options, theres a good chance I could be housed right next to my university, & I will get lots of support, bursary, child tax credit, housing benefit childcare allowance and if I wanted child maintenance, it seems I'd be a lot better off if I was single but I will try to talk to him, maybe try relate and see if it works if it doesn't then I will have no choice but to leave. I believe in trying to keep relationships together because we have a daughter, but I'd struggle to live like this, maybe things will get better when I'm a qualified nurse and have my own income.
  • purpleshoes_2
    purpleshoes_2 Posts: 2,653 Forumite
    More than unreasonable. Again, the money is a means of control.

    You don't have to live like this, but if you stay without him getting help, look.forward to several decades more of misery.
  • Marisco
    Marisco Posts: 42,036 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    SeduLOUs wrote: »
    I've lived with my boyfriend for four years. Other than the annual 'no-reason' shout at each other (usually tipsy) over nothing in particular we never argue. We earn pretty different amounts, but all of our money goes into a joint account and we decide together the best way to spend or not spend it. We take an equal amount of 'pocket month' each month to do with as we wish, now I just give him a raised eyebrow when he buys an expensive glossy mag and he does the same when I buy cigarettes.

    He cooks every night because I hate doing it and he seems to like it - I do the washing up afterwards. Other household duties are shared relatively equally, but since I've started studying on top of working full time he has happily picked up a slightly bigger share of the housework so that I can get on with my homework.

    Should I leave him?

    Of course you should! You have no stress or hassle, and you're getting way to comfy with everything going along smoothly. Run as far and fast as you can girl! :D
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    I'm really glad you sat down and talked
    It's a great first step and regardless of how things turn out -he knows how he makes you feel now and maybe that will be enough to help sustain the relationship- and if it isn't at least you know that he understands his contribution to your problems together.

    The ball really is in his court now - but you also know you do have options if you two can't work things out.

    Please don't regard child support as optional though - She's his child too- and should be contributing so she can have a better quality of life. You've already seen he has some funny ideas about what a child needs so if you had an informal arrangement odds are if he's ever feeling financially insecure the first thing to go would be supporting his child -so a formal arrangement is more sensible.



    veeveexox wrote: »
    I didn't get pregnant by myself you know!! and she's almost 2 so hes had near on 3 years to get used to the idea, he does love her plays with her etc, I was taking the pill and had a sickness bug, I now have the implant so no chance of another surprise I sat him down tonight and he said he felt scared of the responsibility of supporting us both but he realises he's being unreasonable, when I start my course it's for the good of the family eventually meaning extra money coming in every month, We went shopping tonight and he bought some stuff quite happily,

    I don't think it will last I went to the council today to talk about housing options, theres a good chance I could be housed right next to my university, & I will get lots of support, bursary, child tax credit, housing benefit childcare allowance and if I wanted child maintenance, it seems I'd be a lot better off if I was single but I will try to talk to him, maybe try relate and see if it works if it doesn't then I will have no choice but to leave. I believe in trying to keep relationships together because we have a daughter, but I'd struggle to live like this, maybe things will get better when I'm a qualified nurse and have my own income.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • As someone with a father who was extremely, extremely obsessed with money, to the point where me and my sister barely ate, and wore dirty clothes (yet he was a millionaire) I really suggest you leave asap. The obsession with saving and stacking up as much money as possible will only get worse, and it is extremely destructive for children to grow up in a household where that is the case, as well as the neglect that is likely to go along with that, children need love and affection and it is surprising the things children pick up on, about not feeling loved and wanted, and can really lead to difficult problems later on in life
  • shays_mum
    shays_mum Posts: 1,694 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I'm a SAHM and have been for a number of years, due to illness now more so.

    We never have had joint bank accounts,just due to sheer laziness i guess. Also, my oh is self employed so keeps his business a/c separate from all household stuff.

    I find all the deals for all the finances (thanks mse!:money:), including gas/electricity/insurances/credit cards/topcashback etc. The savings i make or cashback earned are the equivalent of a p/t modest job.

    We have a cash in the house of about £100 for all other stuff that i can't put on my cashback credit card, this is topped up regularly by oh.

    I do not pay for a single thing in my house and my name is on the deeds. My point being, if he has the ball s to have a child & get married have the damn ball s to provide, simples!!. Its not as if your never going to go back to work (unlike me).

    Dear op, i have met some stingy people in my time, but this takes the serious p e e :(

    I hope you guys get all this sorted before you get married & goodluck with your course! x
    No one said it was gonna be easy!
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