Marriage Before Babies or Vice Versa?

Money_maker

marisco wrote: »

Having a child together is a far bigger commitment than any marriage or partnership. What matters most is that you are very secure in your relationship and see a long term future for it be that married or otherwise.

This is what I feel, therefore I think the marriage should come first. It's too easy to have children a short way into the relationship, almost before the relationship is properly established. Next thing you know, there are several children with different fathers. Complicated relationship and family connections. If you're not ready to commit to a lifelong relationship with one person then hold fire on the children for just a little while. Just to make sure.

onlyroz

**Patty** wrote: »

But surely, making a will and taking out adequate life/mortgage insurance will give the same protection?


Call me old-fashioned (if you like) but there's a lot to be said for marrying for love and part of that is protecting your loved ones/partner as much as you can.

This has been discussed in other threads. Yes there are ways to legally protect and provide for your family in the event of your death, but getting married is by far the easiest and cheapest way to achieve this.

Violetta_2

Our dd was a bit of a surprise less than a year after we met. We could have got married before she was born but I didn't want anyone especially dd to think we'd married " because we had to" . We did get married a few years later and dd was the most beautiful bridesmaid, I was glad she was able to be part of the celebration.

ZsaZsa

when we got married I wasn't maternal at all and we weren't planning on having children, although i did change my mind after the wedding. If I was going to get married after having children, I think I'd want to be sure that my family was complete first, I think I'd feel a bit strange about only having some of my children at my wedding.

DUTR

Morally marriage 1st, weddings are not expensive but divorce can be, so practically babies 1st, then if the guy has made a bad choice, he loses around 15% net.

Mrshaworth2b

We got engaged, then bought a house, had a baby 6 months after moving in, we booked our wedding for June this year and now I have found out I'm pregnant again, a very happy surprise.

I don't believe it matters what way round you do it, you can always save to have the big wedding after having a baby (if that is what you want and can afford) we were never going to have a big wedding, we don't have the money and now will have another mouth to feed by the end of the year. Things have changed so much over the years, live and let live.

Birdie85

We got married then had a baby. We're both old fashioned and wanted our children to have the same name as both of us, we also wanted the protection that marriage gives both of us (yes, you can write up legal documents but it's easier and cheaper to get married and legally be each other's NOK rather than risk missing something). If we'd gotten together when we were older (I was 21 when we got together, got married at 25, started trying for a baby later at 26 but it took nearly 2 years to conceive) we may have done it the other way around but we had the luxury of time being on our side to do things the way we wanted.

Faith177

Me and OH both wanted to be married before having children

For me the reasoning behind this might seem a bit silly but basically my dad died when I was 5 and my mum raised us on her own. Coming from a "single parent" family I always felt like everyone was expecting us kids to be messed up so I made sure I did everything to show that my mum was doing a good job raising us right. I made sure I always got good exam results, I had a good crowd of friends who were more intrested in watching films than hanging around the streets causing trouble. So it was never a question that I wouldn't do things the "right and expected" way.

Not that I think having children before marriage is wrong if you're happy then what's the issue but I just felt for me as a show of respect to my mum I want to do things in the right order and she often use to say she was proud of me for getting married first which made it worthwhile to me.

We have been married nearly two years now but still dont have children we reckon we will start trying in 2 years time as we want some time just us two before kids arriving but this is only because we lived apart for a year before our marriage and OH didn't move back until 1 day before our 1 year wedding anniversary so we have some catching up to do.

KatieDee

What wonderful responses! Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

As many of you have said, I don't really care which way around it happens, I just want to know that my relationship is secure and developed enough to cope with it.

The one thing that I am concerned about is age and the old biological clock. Getting pregnant doesn't necessarily happen straight away and there can be all sorts of issues when trying for babies. I don't want to put this off while I'm waiting to marry and then find out that waiting has resulted in me struggling to have children.

Unlikely I'm sure, but it's something that is on my mind and has recently changed my attitude towards the order of which things can happen.

Threebabes

I would prefer marriage before kids.

I did have a child when we got married, he was 18 month. We had a low key wedding, would have rather just booked registry office and came home but had a very small get together for the sake of the inlaws.