When should I stop buying presents for my friend's children?

JayD

This is clearly a very personal choice but if it helps you to know what others do, you are getting a fair mix in these answers.

For my part, I enclose cheques with their birthday cards during their teens, rather than giving gifts, However, I think 18th is very special, so I give friend's children something more generous on that birthday, then just a token sum their19th and 20th birthday cards and another sum (less than 18th but more generous than 19th and 20th) on their 21st. Then I stop and only give them empty cards for birthdays if we are still in contact.

Hope that helps.

duchy

That's the problem with these made up dilemmas -there is never any background.

Friend -lives next door- eighteen year old lives at home, feeds the OP's pets when they are on holiday -has almost family status

or

Friend- doesn't live close and OP sees them occassionally, never see the kids and have no contact with them directly just their "news" from their Mum

Both fit the OP's scenario - but the background info might change the motivation.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

That's the problem with these made up dilemmas -there is never any background.

Yep. Agree with this 100%. :T

lilychapman

It's quite hard to break this pattern as its natural for the recipient to enjoy receiving gifts and it may seem a bit harsh to stop at say 18 if their younger siblings are still getting them. However we have an agreement that gifts can't go on forever as there are the second generation of grandchildren coming along who we want to give to. We have decided that 18 is the cut off point for children other than immediate family but will still give for big life events. This seems reasonable.

duchy

I once worked with a woman who took umbrage when our office didn't have an office collection for a gift for her daughter when she got married.

None of us knew the girl (or were invited obviously) -although we'd lived every step of the wedding planning and dramaswith her Mum's endless phone calls at work about arrangements for the previous year

Pollycat

lilychapman wrote: »

It's quite hard to break this pattern as its natural for the recipient to enjoy receiving gifts and it may seem a bit harsh to stop at say 18 if their younger siblings are still getting them. However we have an agreement that gifts can't go on forever as there are the second generation of grandchildren coming along who we want to give to. We have decided that 18 is the cut off point for children other than immediate family but will still give for big life events. This seems reasonable.

Why would it seem harsh?

Assuming the 18 year old was given gifts from first birthday (and not on 18th) he/she would have had 17 gifts.

As long as each younger sibling is treated the same i.e. 17 gifts, then it is not harsh at all, in fact it is eminently fair - and it would be very unfair if the eldest continued receiving gifts until the youngest reached 18.

ruthb2008

Most of my extended family stopped when I turned 18. My mum's friend continues to buy me gifts to this day, but of course I buy for her in return now.

I think it's tricky when there are 3 daughters - I remember how gutted I was when suddenly no-one cared about my birthday - but my sister who is 4 years younger still got gifts.

The choice really is yours, and there's certainly no right or wrong answer, but if it were me I'd probably wait til all 3 had turned 18.

Pollycat

ruthb2008 wrote: »

Most of my extended family stopped when I turned 18. My mum's friend continues to buy me gifts to this day, but of course I buy for her in return now.

I think it's tricky when there are 3 daughters - I remember how gutted I was when suddenly no-one cared about my birthday - but my sister who is 4 years younger still got gifts.

The choice really is yours, and there's certainly no right or wrong answer, but if it were me I'd probably wait til all 3 had turned 18.

I hope someone explained things to you.

Mountain_Man_2

Give them something good for their 18th and explain that's it as they are now an adult.

duchy

I think it would be more unfair to keep buying until the youngest turned 18.

Most eighteen year olds are to one degree or another enjoying adult "perks" driving, choosing when to come and go and most have their own income and are old enough to understand that those things you out grow other things like presents given just because you happen to be the child of your Mum's friend but don't actually have a relationship of any significance with that person yourself. If Mum's friend is a second Mum to you and you have a close personal relationship it can be different though.

I remember starting work at seventeen and having to tell my aunts (who were more like my grandparents in status as they were grown up when my Dad was born) that I really couldn't accept the couple of quid they were still trying to slip me as pocket money whenever I saw them. They took some convincing !