Not competitive

Alikay

It also seems that the OP's husband has these passions which are a bit niche and expects the OP to share his enthusiasm. I can't stand rock climbing and would be pretty put out if I was expected to not only join in, but really throw myself into it. Likewise board games aren't everyone's cup of tea - love an evening of Settlers of Catan myself, but most friends would be a bit "meh"...:D

TBagpuss

I think it is worth sitting down to try to talk to your husband about this.

Losing his temper over Zumba or board games seems somewhat petty, and if that is the only reason then I would have concerns about him - what is happening in his life that is causing him to behave that way? What other ways does he have of relieving stress.

however, it's also possible that this is not what it is 'really' about - is he venting his frustration about something more deep seated? For instance, does he feel that your non-competitiveness / willingness to give up means that you are not pulling your weight in terms of your job / contribution to the household? Does he feel under pressure because he is (in his estimation) the only one making the effort to 'get on' and achieve for the benefit of the family?

Does he feel that you no wanting to compete reflects on him? (for example that it 'trivialises' his wish to win / succeed)?

In terms of the gaming - do you play on the same team?? does your winning or losing affect him? Or does her percieve you as appearing bored?

Are there less competitive things which you do, or could do, together, so that you can find things which are fun for you both but which don't involve competing?

Are there financial issues here? had you paid for a course of Zumba / Rock climbing and then decided not to continue, so he feels you are wasting money?

Does he feel that his efforts are undervalued? Are you enthusiastic when he succeeds?

Is he good, generally, at seeing things from another person's point of view? I know a lot of people who find it hard to understand that different people can enjoy things in different ways, and that just because you don't need to win, does not mean you don't enjoy things.

I think it may help if you and he can work out why he feels as he does, and then you can work together on thinking of ways you can work round it.

It may also be worth looking at yourself - is there any truth in his criticism? to me, not wanting to compete, and giving up, are two separate things. I am not particularly competitive, and I can think of several things which I do which are fun to me but which would not be fun at all if I were competing (swimming, for instance. I do it to relax, not to compete - totally different mind set) but that is not quite the same as giving things up without giving them a fair trial - lots of activities and experiences take some work before you get to the point of being able to enjoy them. I can see that living with someone who is never willing to try anything long enough to get past that beginners hump could be frustrating, a bit like being with someone who shots down every suggestion you make for things to do together.

Obviously I don't know whether any of these possibilities are true of your situation, but it might be worth exploring some of them.

Rambosmum

fabforty wrote: »

There's a difference between being 'non-competitive' and giving up. I understand being non-competitive and people that are over competitive (my brother for example), really pee me off. However, always giving up also irritates me - and if that is what you do, I can understand why your husband finds it frustrating or annoying.


Could it be that you are afraid of failing or of looking silly? A bit like a child who stops running a race once they realise they are coming last.


I went to a dance exercise class (not Zumba but something similar) and was completely crap at it - but instead of sitting down and watching, I carried on and made up my own steps.

I have no issue of looking silly - I'm always the first up when it's role playing and I love charades and that kind of thing, I'm usually happiest when I'm making a t*t of myself. In Zumba I was actually getting in people's way because I couldn't follow the steps.

I don't give up generally, unless I'm really not enjoying something and even then I'll usually stick it out until the end and then just not do what ever it is again. It's not like if I'm playing a board game and I'm not going to win I just stop playing or make moves which are detrimental, or useless to my piece.

My husband sees not being competitive as giving up, he doesn't see the point of being in something if your not playing to win, even if what you are competing against is yourself or an inanimate object.

As for being afraid of failing, I'm really not afraid of that. I fail at most things, but as long as I'm enjoying what I'm doing I don't care - failure isn't a thing to me, if I'm enjoying it I'm not failing.


He is very stressed with uni work at the moment and I think he's taking it out on me. But he's just making me fell awful about myself.

tea lover and fabforty: if what I am doing is actually giving up and I am hacking people off (as my husband is saying) would you prefer the person doing that not to participate or participate and not enjoy themselves?

saterkey

im of an age where I do what I want, ive never liked playing games since I was young, although when ive have sat in occasionally I have enjoyed it. we have been together for 25 years and we each do our own thing or things together which we enjoy. he organised a poker night at the local sports club for charity, both him and son went and played as they are members and know the people, he did ask if I wanted to go, I elected to stay at home and watch a film, he was fine with that. life is too short to do stuff you don't want to, how about arrange a cinema night next time and youll go to that one. im tempted to have a go at zumba, but I have been in a gym class before now and know my coordination isn't good with steps so maybe not, I get frustrated and a little embarrassed that I cant keep up like the rest and just don't find it nice, so prefer not to go. Id just tell my partner that I wasn't keen and prob wouldn't do it again. wed have a cup of tea and id wonder over what next to try, hes happy for me if I find something I like doing eg jewellery making was a recent one.

tea_lover

Rambosmum wrote: »

tea lover and fabforty: if what I am doing is actually giving up and I am hacking people off (as my husband is saying) would you prefer the person doing that not to participate or participate and not enjoy themselves?

I think it depends on the context (as ever ). If someone didn't like board games for instance, then I wouldn't be at all offended if they declined an offer to come round for an evening of playing them. However, I would be narked if they accepted then decided at the last minute that it wasn't their thing after all and didn't turn up.

I think TBagpuss has made some great points - that's what I was trying to say but they have articulated far better than I could. There's a big difference (to me) between being competitive or not and just giving up all the time.

Kaye1

I am shockingly bad at golf but didn't mind that I was bad. My OH shouted at me for 'not trying,' (I was and was genuinely that bad) so I have never played with him again.


He learned a lesson that day- he enjoyed playing golf with me and his unkindness ruined it.


We now play nicely! (Board games etc.)


However, it come from his family- they are ridiculously competitive and it, in my opinion, ruins everything, as games always end with a sour note. I openly tell them this and refuse to play with them. They do know they are too competitive so do take it quite well.

Rambosmum

And just to clarify- I love rock climbing and I love board games. I just like to rock climb at my own pace, which often means not getting to the top of the wall. And we don't play on teams, unless it is a coop board game, then we all play as a team to beat the board.

fivetide

Rambosmum wrote: »

And just to clarify- I love rock climbing and I love board games. I just like to rock climb at my own pace, which often means not getting to the top of the wall. And we don't play on teams, unless it is a coop board game, then we all play as a team to beat the board.

I got that from the first post. Some people have made you out to be some sort of sourpuss when that doesn't seem to be the case at all.


Letting people down as part of a group isn't great but given OH's reaction understandable on the one occasion.

Rambosmum

fivetide wrote: »

I got that from the first post. Some people have made you out to be some sort of sourpuss when that doesn't seem to be the case at all.


Letting people down as part of a group isn't great but given OH's reaction understandable on the one occasion.

It was that one occasion - I hate letting people down, but I couldn't stand to be near him! I figured the atmosphere we'd create was unpleasant for us let alone others!

Mojisola

Rambosmum wrote: »

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, but only recently married, we lived together for about 6 years though. We know each other well.

I've never been a competitive person

He brought this up as an issue a few years ago as 'I don't try hard enough' and I explained to him that I don't get a sense of achievement out of winning, there is nothing gained in to me. If anything I find being competitive much much less fun - to the point I don't want to bother. He let it go and I thought he'd seen my point of view and that was it.

You are as you are and have been for all the time he has known you.

Why is this bothering him now?