Not competitive

Rambosmum

I think I just need to vent.

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, but only recently married, we lived together for about 6 years though. We know each other well.

I've never been a competitive person, I don't care if I lose at a board game, a computer game or a bet, the fun for me is in the playing. I don't usually play to win, I play to have fun.

He brought this up as an issue a few years ago as 'I don't try hard enough' and I explained to him that I don't get a sense of achievement out of winning, there is nothing gained in to me. If anything I find being competitive much much less fun - to the point I don't want to bother. He let it go and I thought he'd seen my point of view and that was it.

Last week I walked out of Zumba with a friend as I found it too hard to keep up with all the moves, I'm frighteningly uncoordinated and can't watch someone do something and then repeat it back - I never have been able to. I found it so hard that I was just standing around, not doing anything whilst I tried to translate what the instructor was doing in to something my body could do. So I gave up and sat down and watched, it was fun to watch. I'll never go back to Zumba, it's just not my thing (I didn't think it would be but the friend persuaded me to give it a go). When I told my husband he went mad. Started going on about how I never try and I always just give up. He sighted that when we go rock climbing I get scared and just come back down I don't even try to get to the top. The truth is I don't get to the top. And I don't care. Because when I have got to the top, I don't feel a sense of achievement, of having 'won' but of fear and that I wish I wasn't up there, why on earth did I go all the way up, I wish I was further down, get me down, get me down....and that doesn't go away, it just makes me never want to climb. I feel much happier when I go to MY limit and come down, then I feel I've achieved something because I HAVE ENJOYED MYSELF.

He then went back to the board games, about how I just give up, I don't even try and win and how it's rubbish for anyone playing with me and I ruin it for everyone. So this weekend we were due to have a board game evening with friends. I decided not to go, instead to do some stuff around the house. He again went mad, launched in to an argument about how this was another example of me giving up. But why should I go? If the way I play, which I enjoy, ruins other people's game (and I don't see how- I play by the rules, I take my turns in a timely manner, I don't play to mess up other peoples games unless it furthers my game plan etc, I just don't care if I don't win). I don't see why I should go, play really competitively, in a way which isn't me and which I won't enjoy.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not naturally competitive, with myself or anyone else. All our friends are fiercely competitive which I think makes it worse. I've never been competitive and have always hated competition, though I don't care if I make a fool of myself. It's also not that I don't try in case I don't win which some people do - I just get no additional benefit from winning which is above the enjoyment of taking part.

I just don't know what to do. I enjoy playing board games and rock climbing but I'm not prepared to get competitive because other people feel I should.

missprice

No idea about your husband, but is he having problems elsewhere?

As for competitive, I ain't neither. I CBA with all that stuff, who cares win or lose I had a go. And although I loved rock climbing and parachuting and archery and a whole load of other things, I never did it to win , only to have fun.
So after all that rambling, your not alone. And its no crime to be uncompetitive.

mich13x

Not much in the way of advice but re the Zumba class you could have been describing me with the lack of coordination so it's not just you!

What I would say though is although I am very like you in terms of not bothering about winning and enjoying the taking part, for a long time I tried to be, and pushed myself out of my comfort zone with various classes and hobbies that just weren't 'me'.

Doing that I eventually realised made me miserable so I stopped and now just do things I genuinely enjoy whether other people find me boring or not.

The problem seems to be with your husband and I think you need to explain things to him clearly the way you have in this post and then maybe he will accept you for who you are and not the competitive person he wants you to be.

I'm sure your friends are not half as bothered as your husband so please continue with your board games and enjoy yourself.

fivetide

He sounds like he has issues. Needs you to win for his team or something. Shame he can't just respect your feelings though.


Not sure what else to say but didn't want to read and run. If you enjoy the nights, then go anyway. I am sure your friends don't feel you've ruined anything.

Alikay

You could be me, Op! Like you I just don't see the point of doing something I don't enjoy just to prove a point (I don't even get that there IS supposed to be a point most of the time!). I do push myself in some ways, such as organising a party, cooking a big meal for friends or family, planning holidays, house moves and any other large projects we've had in life, but I don't do competition or "proving" myself.

I think your DH is the one with the problem, but projecting his issues onto you isn't fair at all. Does he enjoy anything at all just for it's own sake, or does he inject competition and comparison into every aspect of his life? (if so he sounds exhausting to live with!)

tea_lover

I can understand the non-competitive thing. But honestly, the giving up on things would annoy me (walking out of zumba, not turning up to an organised evening at a friend's house). If my partner was doing that I would be annoyed as it's letting people down.

Rambosmum

tea_lover wrote: »

I can understand the non-competitive thing. But honestly, the giving up on things would annoy me (walking out of zumba, not turning up to an organised evening at a friend's house). If my partner was doing that I would be annoyed as it's letting people down.

I didn't leave Zumba, I just sat out whilst the class finished. My friend was a regular so knew lots of people in the class.

As for not turning up to my friends, I did feel bad, but at the same time OH made me feel so awful about how I play games he made it feel as though they wouldn't want me there.

tea_lover

Rambosmum wrote: »

Last week I walked out of Zumba with a friend as I found it too hard to keep up with all the moves,

Rambosmum wrote: »

I didn't leave Zumba, I just sat out whilst the class finished. My friend was a regular so knew lots of people in the class.

As for not turning up to my friends, I did feel bad, but at the same time OH made me feel so awful about how I play games he made it feel as though they wouldn't want me there.

I think there's a big difference between "this is hard, I'm going to sit down for a minute", and "this is hard, s*d it, I'm going home". Your OP states you did both (which clearly doesn't add up!) so difficult to answer.

As a PP has said, to me it's about showing some interest. You don't have to want to win (obviously!), but it comes across as quite dismissive if someone clearly doesn't have any interest in what they're doing.

fabforty

There's a difference between being 'non-competitive' and giving up. I understand being non-competitive and people that are over competitive (my brother for example), really pee me off. However, always giving up also irritates me - and if that is what you do, I can understand why your husband finds it frustrating or annoying.


Could it be that you are afraid of failing or of looking silly? A bit like a child who stops running a race once they realise they are coming last.


I went to a dance exercise class (not Zumba but something similar) and was completely crap at it - but instead of sitting down and watching, I carried on and made up my own steps.

m1kjm

I'm with you OP, your laidback attitude doesn't harm anyone and I think the ones who have to win at all costs are the saddos.

I've left classes before when I couldn't keep up, and I think that's preferable to injuring yourself or going the wrong way and bashing into someone else.

RuthnJasper

OP, could your OH be concerned under all his frustration that you might one day just give up on him? I wonder if that's something on his mind...?

I like games, but I'm not competitive. I think men tend to be more competitive than women anyway - it's a primaeval/testosterone thing!

There's no harm in not being competitive - how would he like it if you WERE fiercely competitive and you kept beating him at everything?!

I don't know what the solution is, but you shouldn't have to force yourself into doing what makes you uncomfortable. Can you make a joke out of it? E.g. "Yes, dear. I gave up because I didn't want to embarrass you by winning EVERY time...!", that sort of thing?

Best wishes. x