Not competitive

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

dktreesea wrote: »

If your OH wanted a clone, he should have had a twin, not a wife.


I've done a fair bit of climbing. One thing for sure sticks in my mind; one of our instructors saying climbing is a dangerous sport, and NOT to go higher than you feel comfortable with. I got the same advise learning to ski, i.e. don't push, it will come to you. Amid phrases like "adrenaline junkies are the ones who end up in hospital."


If your OH wants to competitively climb, play board games, whatever, he can join a club surely? Mensa has plenty of competitive eggheads for him to test his skills against. And some of them are nuts about climbing, and it's evil twin, fell running.


If your OH wants to compete, here's a race I can recommend. http://www.jurafellrace.org.uk/
I reckon he'll feel a whole lot more achievement competing in this than getting up your nose about your lack of competitiveness.

Problem arises when he meets somebody whilst doing that who completely 'gets it', though.

coolcait

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Problem arises when he meets somebody whilst doing that who completely 'gets it', though.

That just sounds like a variant on a multitude of excuses for leaving a partner.


Leave aside all the stuff about 'competitive' or 'not competitive' and all the personal histories which have been shared,


The OP's posts describe a relationship where she appears to accept her OH as he is, and supports him in hobbies etc; yet her OH is openly and vocally critical of her, uses the 'and all our friends agree with me' line (even though that doesn't appear to be entirely true), and refuses to discuss the 'issue' with her.


On many another thread, that's the aspect of this relationship which would be under discussion - not our own personal histories of overcoming fears, or managing them within comfortable limits.


So, to use a competitive phrase, let's cut to the chase: is the OP asking for/deserving of her OH's derision and denigration? Or is he out of order?

dktreesea

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Problem arises when he meets somebody whilst doing that who completely 'gets it', though.

Sure. that's a risk. And I do get where the OH is coming from. Imagine you're climbing. In one way you're competing against the other people in your group - it's fun to see whose the fastest, but the one you're really competing against is yourself. It's like golf, or swimming, Sure you want the win, but you also want the p.b. or to break your handicap.


So at the beginning of the climb the energy level is high. You're all feeding off, and into, each others energy. People who are scared of heights are looking to break through their fear barrier. So you get to the top, look around for your partner, so you can both celebrate "winning" the climb (keeping in mind it's not about the others, but a competition between you and the climb) but she's nowhere to be seen. She got a certain way up the climb, decided she's had enough and gone back down without you. Yes, you have the rest of the people in the group to celebrate with, but it just isn't the same. Your energy can sink like a stone in that situation.


That doesn't make his attitude okay though. You can't push people into doing something to your standard. It doesn't work. People could well be like the OP and push back, something along the lines of "Hey, back off. This is my climb. I'm going to enjoy it my way. You're losing out on your energy high at the end of the climb because I'm not there? Too bad."


I agree with the OH. It's no fun climbing with people whose goal isn't to get to the top. But it doesn't make it okay to disrespect them.


It's the same with board games. I don't like playing with people who don't put their heart into it, who don't try for their absolute best performance every time. It's a quality thing. How can you get better if you're playing against someone who really doesn't care about the outcome? It's not about winning; it's about doing it with heart and passion, and hopefully, increasing skill over time.

burnoutbabe

I'm trying to imagine the sort of board games where you have to be ultra competitive to make it fun.

Surely something like Trivial Pursuit, there is no strategy, you either know the answer or not?

tea_lover

burnoutbabe wrote: »

I'm trying to imagine the sort of board games where you have to be ultra competitive to make it fun.

Surely something like Trivial Pursuit, there is no strategy, you either know the answer or not?

For me, it would be the difference between actually thinking about whether I know the answer or just giving up without giving it any thought. It would be about having a look at which wedges (or whatever they're called) I need when it's my go and making some attempt at getting them all, not just aimlessly moving around the same part of the board.

It's not about being ultra competitive or throwing a strop if you don't win - I've never won Trivial Pursuit in my life. It's just about taking it seriously enough that you're not being rude to the other people who are playing.

missprice

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Problem arises when he meets somebody whilst doing that who completely 'gets it', though.

That would just be an excuse. If he doesn't like her and wants no more to do with her, then say so. Split up and then find a replacement. Don't go making someone feel bad for no real reason and try to make the other person start the breakup. Be more grown up.

missprice

tea_lover wrote: »

For me, it would be the difference between actually thinking about whether I know the answer or just giving up without giving it any thought. It would be about having a look at which wedges (or whatever they're called) I need when it's my go and making some attempt at getting them all, not just aimlessly moving around the same part of the board.

It's not about being ultra competitive or throwing a strop if you don't win - I've never won Trivial Pursuit in my life. It's just about taking it seriously enough that you're not being rude to the other people who are playing.

You are assuming the other players take it seriously, they may well not.
I haven't played it for a while now but it relies on throw of a dice and answer a question correctly? So that is pretty random. You can't predict the dice and you can know the answer, guess the answer or have no idea.

As for how you play, who will know if your " for want of a better word, "throwing" the game. After all you may play one way and I play a different way. I play backgammon to win and so does OH, but we still play very differently.

dktreesea

missprice wrote: »

You are assuming the other players take it seriously, they may well not.
I haven't played it for a while now but it relies on throw of a dice and answer a question correctly? So that is pretty random. You can't predict the dice and you can know the answer, guess the answer or have no idea.

As for how you play, who will know if your " for want of a better word, "throwing" the game. After all you may play one way and I play a different way. I play backgammon to win and so does OH, but we still play very differently.

I play backgammon to win too, but it's still taken me years to even understand the pathetic bit of strategy I now do understand.


I once saw a guy playing Trivial Pursuit at a pub quiz night (teams) turn around and say to his wife "Why are you so dumb? Don't you know anything? It's so frustrating!" I think the question was something like "In which church is the Whispering Gallery?" I wonder how many years one has to live before they know the answer to that question...? Seriously, what kind of idiot keeps knowledge like when were dog licences abolished in England in their heads? Someone on the quiz night knew the answer to that. I'm not sure that's knowledge I'd be proud to hoard in by brain.

cte1111

dktreesea wrote: »

I play backgammon to win too, but it's still taken me years to even understand the pathetic bit of strategy I now do understand.


I once saw a guy playing Trivial Pursuit at a pub quiz night (teams) turn around and say to his wife "Why are you so dumb? Don't you know anything? It's so frustrating!"
I think that's awful, unless said in jest, but even then better not said.
I think the question was something like "In which church is the Whispering Gallery?" I wonder how many years one has to live before they know the answer to that question...? Seriously, what kind of idiot keeps knowledge like when were dog licences abolished in England in their heads? Someone on the quiz night knew the answer to that. I'm not sure that's knowledge I'd be proud to hoard in by brain.

That's just as disrespectful as the earlier comment IMHO, it's not nice to either denigrate someone for lack of knowledge, or for knowing different things to you.
We're all different. The OP has answered my question and has clearly tried to see her partner's POV. I'd suggest leaving it for a while, then maybe trying to talk about it again, with both partners listening to each other and seeing how they can try and not get irritated about their own natural tendencies.

I am quite competitive, it doesn't mean that I can only enjoy myself when I win but it would affect my enjoyment if other people seemed not to be bothered.

It's a bit like spending ages cooking a gourmet meal for one of the guests to declare they couldn't care less what they eat, it is a bit of a downer. Some people aren't that bothered about food (my inlaws really just see food as a necessity rather than a pleasure) but there are ways of handling the situation without causing offence. I'm not saying it's easy but in our situation, I accept that there's no point trying to please my in laws by cooking something special and my husband knows the right phrases to say to show he appreciates a lovely meal (as he appreciates the effort people have gone to, even if he would be secretly just as happy with a microwaved ready meal).

The OP and her husband will probably find good ways to deal with their different approaches, it doesn't mean that either of them are bad people or their relationship is doomed, just something to work on that will hopefully become easier as time goes on.

dktreesea

cte1111 wrote: »

That's just as disrespectful as the earlier comment IMHO, it's not nice to either denigrate someone for lack of knowledge, or for knowing different things to you.
We're all different. The OP has answered my question and has clearly tried to see her partner's POV. I'd suggest leaving it for a while, then maybe trying to talk about it again, with both partners listening to each other and seeing how they can try and not get irritated about their own natural tendencies.

I am quite competitive, it doesn't mean that I can only enjoy myself when I win but it would affect my enjoyment if other people seemed not to be bothered.

It's a bit like spending ages cooking a gourmet meal for one of the guests to declare they couldn't care less what they eat, it is a bit of a downer. Some people aren't that bothered about food (my inlaws really just see food as a necessity rather than a pleasure) but there are ways of handling the situation without causing offence. I'm not saying it's easy but in our situation, I accept that there's no point trying to please my in laws by cooking something special and my husband knows the right phrases to say to show he appreciates a lovely meal (as he appreciates the effort people have gone to, even if he would be secretly just as happy with a microwaved ready meal).

The OP and her husband will probably find good ways to deal with their different approaches, it doesn't mean that either of them are bad people or their relationship is doomed, just something to work on that will hopefully become easier as time goes on.

Yes, I don't like playing games or doing activites with people who don't seen to be that bothered either. Tricky situation though, isn't it. With couples, you tend to expect them both to turn up. But usually there's one of the two that is more part of that particular set than the partner.


My solution, when it is mostly my OH's friends involved, is to limit the times I go along, even though I'm usually invited. But then, I'm not in a space in my relationship where I'm worried about my OH meeting someone else. I understand the adage that the "family who plays together, stays together," but what if there's limited pleasure in it for one of the people (in this case the OP's OH) involved?