Not competitive

cte1111

Rambogirl, have you tried to see your OH's point of view? It doesn't really seem like it. Given that people are criticising him for not seeing her POV, why does the opposite not apply?

I would find it pretty irritating if a friend's partner came along to games evenings and then didn't bother to join in properly. It is also possible to feel that this is an implied criticism, which many responders to this post are indulging in, e.g. I'm better than you because I'm a lovely fluffy person who doesn't care if they win or not.

I'm not saying the husband is completely in the right either, but ringing up friends in order to get them to back you up in an argument is also pretty uncomfortable.

Rambosmum

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I got over a major fear of heights by going rock climbing. The scariest points of all were waiting for my turn to rapell down a cliff. I let everybody go in front of me until there was no one left. I could have just said 'I'm fine now. I've done a bit and that's enough'. But I didn't want to be the one who bottled out, so I got kitted up. The nscariest of all was the moment where you go backwards and you're no longer able to just walk away.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. And I was past that point of no return.

A quarter of the way down, loose rocks meant I slipped and fell. Dangling from the harness, I looked around at the tiny shapes of my mates, the instructor was yelling 'are you alright?' - I waved at my friends, shouted back 'I'm fine' and sorted myself out to continue to the bottom.

A three step stool no longer held the terror it used to after that. And all because I pushed through my 'limit'.


Same way I had crippling, throw up in the toilets, can hardly hold a note due to shaking hands, stage fright. I still went onstage. And one day, I found myself being the cheerful, relaxed, 'that feeling is what is going to make it such a rush' person to somebody else.

It doesn't stop my legs shaking sometimes, it doesn't mean I can pack away a three course meal just before I go onstage - but the reward from pushing outside that comfort zone and using the fear to drive me is that I'm a better musician, can play several instruments, I'm able to make a living from it and I'm happier than I can ever remember being.

There is so much to be gained from pushing that little bit further each time in so many things. It's about wanting to be better, to progress, to improve, to know you can do something that you would have said was impossible a year ago.


My ex's worst phrase (it was the one that jarred the most) was 'nah. Stick with what you know'. It applied to food, to places, to activities, to everything. There would never be an achievement to celebrate, never a new meal, never stumbling upon something exciting or joyful or anything to feel animated over. He'll just keep on eating the same foods, watching the same TV, not working (because he wouldn't like having to learn something new and his previous jobs now required computer use - he walked out of free training and refused to ever try again because his monitor on the first day needed to be switched on when everybody else's was already on and he didnt want to tell the trainer, as it 'proved' he'd never be able to use the things), never doing anything.

To somebody who wants to better themselves, to try and be the best that they can, to experience more than has already been done - that sounds like a living death.

If only it were that easy. I have climbed to the top of very high walls, it isn't that I can't per se just that I really really don't like it and don't enjoy doing it. If I thought there was a point in continuing trying it I would. But I know myself well, and I know if pushing myself is worth it or not.

Rambosmum

cte1111 wrote: »

Rambogirl, have you tried to see your OH's point of view? It doesn't really seem like it. Given that people are criticising him for not seeing her POV, why does the opposite not apply?

I would find it pretty irritating if a friend's partner came along to games evenings and then didn't bother to join in properly. It is also possible to feel that this is an implied criticism, which many responders to this post are indulging in, e.g. I'm better than you because I'm a lovely fluffy person who doesn't care if they win or not.

I'm not saying the husband is completely in the right either, but ringing up friends in order to get them to back you up in an argument is also pretty uncomfortable.

To clarify they are mutual friends. I'm not just a friends partner, we have a friendship separate to my OH (she was my maid of honour).

As for seeing it from his point of view I have tried - I understand that he would prefer to play with someone more competitive, but I am not that person and I can't turn in to something I'm not. I have genuinely no idea how I can play 'more competitively', it just isn't in me, I can't simply 'try harder' I wouldn't know what to do to try harder, I'm doing it the best I know how to already. I am happy to sit a game out if he wants a more competitive competition. And with climbing we climb with a group and switch partners through the evening/ day so we all get to chat and climb with each other, so he gets opportunity to climb with people who are better than me.

Also, these gatherings are 'come round for tea, we might play some games' rather than 'come round for a games evening', although between us we must own over a hundred games (and arkham horror is one of ours!).

I think he is confusing my not being competitive with me not caring. For those who feel I lack ambition and float through life that isn't the case. I recently went back to uni to get my masters and I'm having an article published. I have plans for my career, our travelling, being mortgage free etc and plans for how we are going to achieve them. Where as he doesn't have this kind of ambition. We are all different.

Mojisola

Rambosmum wrote: »

Some friends and his family won't play scrabble or monopoly with him (games we don't generally play anyway) as he is too competitive.

I hate to think that I might be ruining other people's experience of things we do together and it has made me not want to do those things. I really enjoy the things we do as a group but I enjoy them more for the social aspect than for the competition of what ever we do and he's made me feel like that isn't good enough.

cte1111 wrote: »

Rambogirl, have you tried to see your OH's point of view? It doesn't really seem like it. Given that people are criticising him for not seeing her POV, why does the opposite not apply?

I would find it pretty irritating if a friend's partner came along to games evenings and then didn't bother to join in properly. It is also possible to feel that this is an implied criticism, which many responders to this post are indulging in, e.g. I'm better than you because I'm a lovely fluffy person who doesn't care if they win or not.

Has anyone said that? No-one is 'right' or 'wrong' - different people have different ways and we shouldn't force others to be like us.

I'm not saying the husband is completely in the right either, but ringing up friends in order to get them to back you up in an argument is also pretty uncomfortable.

Despite them having friends who won't play any more because he is too competitive, he told her that she was ruining their friends' enjoyment by not trying hard enough. I'd want to talk to them directly if my OH said something like that.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Rambosmum wrote: »

If only it were that easy. I have climbed to the top of very high walls, it isn't that I can't per se just that I really really don't like it and don't enjoy doing it. If I thought there was a point in continuing trying it I would. But I know myself well, and I know if pushing myself is worth it or not.

Easy? Hardly when I used to freeze on the third step on the way up to bed and only made it up there on all fours until I was about 12.

I never looked out of the bedroom window all through my childhood, either.


But, of course, you would say it was easy for me.

j.e.j.

See, I don't get nerves as such but I 'freeze' and when that happens there's nothing I can do about it. Or my mind goes totally blank, which would be pretty disastrous on stage :rotfl:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

j.e.j. wrote: »

See, I don't get nerves as such but I 'freeze' and when that happens there's nothing I can do about it. Or my mind goes totally blank, which would be pretty disastrous on stage :rotfl:

Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Means it's so ingrained into your body that your conscious mind is free whilst the rest of you carries on.

I've forgotten lyrics or bits onstage. You just keep going and listen to the rest of the band. They'll keep going, maybe hanging on the correct chord to give you a lead into where you were supposed to b, or repeating the chorus. And there are plenty of times mates have collapsed in giggles because somebody's completely forgotten how to play a world famous riff and has tried several times - the cheer that goes up once it's finally nailed, is incredible.

The world doesn't end with a mistake or blanking. As long as you keep going. That's what the audience and other musicians appreciate most - many are anxious, all but the few know exactly how scary it can be, and they admire and respect the people who still keep going through the fear.

Jagraf

I get the impression that some people think the only way to be happy is to push yourself in a measurable situation.

How high you can climb, how far you can run. But what about just being happy? For some reason this is overlooked in place of 'must Try harder'. Some people are just happy and content, but this cannot be measured so it is seen as less of an achievement.

Travel is always one to come up at dinner parties. The more places you have experienced apparently the better. But what have you actually experienced or have you just had a look around and ticked it off your list. What senses and emotion have you felt?

Being happy is the key. It doesn't really matter how you achieve it. If others are making you unhappy because they are saying you shouldn't be happy with your achievements, there is a problem with them, not you.

Jagraf

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I got over a major fear of heights by going rock climbing. The scariest points of all were waiting for my turn to rapell down a cliff. I let everybody go in front of me until there was no one left. I could have just said 'I'm fine now. I've done a bit and that's enough'. But I didn't want to be the one who bottled out, so I got kitted up. The nscariest of all was the moment where you go backwards and you're no longer able to just walk away.

I took a deep breath and exhaled. And I was past that point of no return.

A quarter of the way down, loose rocks meant I slipped and fell. Dangling from the harness, I looked around at the tiny shapes of my mates, the instructor was yelling 'are you alright?' - I waved at my friends, shouted back 'I'm fine' and sorted myself out to continue to the bottom.

A three step stool no longer held the terror it used to after that. And all because I pushed through my 'limit'.


Same way I had crippling, throw up in the toilets, can hardly hold a note due to shaking hands, stage fright. I still went onstage. And one day, I found myself being the cheerful, relaxed, 'that feeling is what is going to make it such a rush' person to somebody else.

It doesn't stop my legs shaking sometimes, it doesn't mean I can pack away a three course meal just before I go onstage - but the reward from pushing outside that comfort zone and using the fear to drive me is that I'm a better musician, can play several instruments, I'm able to make a living from it and I'm happier than I can ever remember being.

There is so much to be gained from pushing that little bit further each time in so many things. It's about wanting to be better, to progress, to improve, to know you can do something that you would have said was impossible a year ago.


My ex's worst phrase (it was the one that jarred the most) was 'nah. Stick with what you know'. It applied to food, to places, to activities, to everything. There would never be an achievement to celebrate, never a new meal, never stumbling upon something exciting or joyful or anything to feel animated over. He'll just keep on eating the same foods, watching the same TV, not working (because he wouldn't like having to learn something new and his previous jobs now required computer use - he walked out of free training and refused to ever try again because his monitor on the first day needed to be switched on when everybody else's was already on and he didnt want to tell the trainer, as it 'proved' he'd never be able to use the things), never doing anything.

To somebody who wants to better themselves, to try and be the best that they can, to experience more than has already been done - that sounds like a living death.

Your ex just sounds lazy.

Big difference between that and what each and every person feels is best for their own happiness.

My ex on the other hand just wanted to try new things and never wanted to get to know anything well. He wanted to live abroad so he could tell everyone how cool it was is X city or Y continent, even though he had maybe stayed less than six months. His achievements didn't make him happy at all. And they had to be what was trendy at the time. It was mainly travel, sport or something costly. I on the other hand was nursing ill people some of whom made complete recoveries. But there's nothing to brag about there, and I learned nothing from it, I just supported, hardly a dinner party conversation.

It didn't push me, I wasn't getting better at it. I just did it.

dktreesea

Rambosmum wrote: »

Rock climbing for my OH and friends is mainly a competition to 'beat the wall'. Can they reach the top, do the difficult move. Which I'm not that interested in, I just like being outdoors (or indoor when we are there), the feel if the rock, learning a new hold, doing a tricky move which shows me muscles I didn't realise I had. I just prefer to do those at 2 meters off the ground rather than 10 and I do not enjoy doing them at 10meters, where I do at 2meters, whether I can do them at 10meters or not is irrelevant to me- I feel no sense of achievement at pushing myself to go beyond where I am comfortable.

I think he see my lack of competitiveness as me being bored. When I'm not. I like to learn a new board game by being shown, during the game (having been given a brief over-view) where as he prefers to know the ins and outs of the whole game before we start- I find it hard to visualise that way and get a bit lost, where as it makes sense when were actually playing and I remember it better. He thinks this is a waste because there's no way I can win if I don't know the tiny ins and outs, but I don't expect to win on my first go!

I think he see's me not pushing myself as me giving up. When actually I'm not, it is just how he would feel if he didn't push himself. I just don't enjoy pushing myself, I'm content with what I can do. And if I enjoy it I'll naturally get better just by doing it more, not by continually trying to achieve things which are not me, which makes me miserable and not enjoy the thing I'm doing.

If your OH wanted a clone, he should have had a twin, not a wife.


I've done a fair bit of climbing. One thing for sure sticks in my mind; one of our instructors saying climbing is a dangerous sport, and NOT to go higher than you feel comfortable with. I got the same advise learning to ski, i.e. don't push, it will come to you. Amid phrases like "adrenaline junkies are the ones who end up in hospital."


If your OH wants to competitively climb, play board games, whatever, he can join a club surely? Mensa has plenty of competitive eggheads for him to test his skills against. And some of them are nuts about climbing, and it's evil twin, fell running.


If your OH wants to compete, here's a race I can recommend. http://www.jurafellrace.org.uk/
I reckon he'll feel a whole lot more achievement competing in this than getting up your nose about your lack of competitiveness.